Sniper and My History

I have thought a lot about this and decided to let you all in on "our" history. It is somewhat of a fairytale. Sit back, grab a drink (or two) and relax. It's a long one. Just please don't pass to much judgment on me. We met at a dance club. One look from him and I knew I was a goner. I had just turned 20 and he was 19. I didn't give him my number that night. I made him search me out at my work if he was interested. Well, he was and brought me flowers (a rose, if I remember correctly). I fell deeply in love from him not to much longer after that. At the time he had a 8 month old baby Boy "Bubba."We had a wonderful relationship. We never had any arguments. Just one very heated discussion on politics. Sniper and I dated for almost a year before he left for boot camp (this was back in '91-'92). We enjoyed some very memorable trips in that year. He left a few days before my 21st birthday for boot (beginning of February 1992). A little background. His mother didn't care for me much. She felt I was taking too much time away from him and Bubba. We took bubba a lot of places with us, but she felt that wasn't good enough. She knew his was leaving for boot camp soon and need to spend more time with his son. As I look back now, as a mother, she was probably right. While he was in boot camp I wrote him every day, 2-3 page letters. I missed the hell out of him. Well, being in a small town, with the rumors flying, I heard through the grapevine, his ex-girlfriend had moved into the house, who was going to his graduation and they were getting married when he graduated. At the time, I couldn't substantiate this. Being young and naive I believed this. I met up with his best friend one night and cheated on him. At the same time Sniper had snuck to a phone and new something was wrong and had to call me. When the phone rang, I was in bed with his best friend. I didn't lie about it. I had just destroyed Sniper. I am still so sorry. I wasn't going to his graduation. Sidenote...the ex-girlfriend went to graduation in my place. When he came home he looked me up. I couldn't get over the fact what I had done to Sniper and started dating Jedi. Sniper wanted to work it out. What I didn't know is Sniper had bought my wedding ring and was going to propose (it now resides at the bottom of a lake), even after everything through boot camp. Next year (1993), I got pregnant with Lego Man by Jedi. We, Jedi and I decided to get married. Why did I get married? Just because I was pregnant. I didn't love Jedi. I still loved Sniper. They day I got married, I kept hoping my Marine in shining Dress Blues would stop the wedding. What I didn't know was that he came home that weekend and was going to do just that. I married Jedi that day. After I got pregnant with Drama Queen (August of 1995), Sniper came home for the weekend, I was 4 months pregnant. He looked me up and I met up with him. We spent a very memorable day together. I knew in my heart I loved that man. He went back home to his wife. Yup, he was married also. September 11th 1995, on my 2nd wedding anniversary, I told Jedi I wanted a divorce. I moved out a few weeks later. Sniper and I kept in contact for awhile. 1996 I met my second husband. We were married in 1998. That was short lived. He wasn't to keen on my son. He pushed my son down the stairs and I punched him. I moved out. 1999 I met my next boyfriend, the Mammas Boy. Later that year, Sniper came back around. He always kept coming back. Everytime he came home, he would look up my parents. My parents loved him, but my mom finally told him "you need to move on and let her go." I am sooo glad he never gave-up on me. He tried to track me down one day while I was at work. I will never forget that day. I had finally found love again in my heart and here was Sniper again. I was scared and finally had tried to move on. I never did meet up with him. I was a complete wuss. January of 2002 Sniper and I got back in contact again. I called him. I could never let him out of my head or heart. I still loved him. I would cry just because I missed him so much and wanted him back in my life. We talked for a few weeks. He invited me to go Vegas to meet up with him. Again, I was scared. I have 2 kids and Jedi lives here. I didn't want to take the kids away from their dad and I was afraid I would have to make that choice. I knew Sniper was in the Marine Corps until retirement. I didn't want him to feel like he had to choose between me and the Corps. I took that choice away from him. (Sniper, I'm sorry if you read this, because this is something you never knew) That same weekend Jackass invited me to Reno with him and I went. I never called Sniper back. (I am truly sorry honey, I didn't mean to hurt you. I know I have done enough of that over the years. I think about all the time that we have missed out on because of me). Jackass and I moved in together a few months later. You can read the post on my life with Jackass here. In August of 2004 I had a a very vivid dream. I dreamed Sniper was in the Sandbox and something wasn't right. He kept telling me he loved me and it would be okay. After that night I knew I had to get in contact with Sniper. I knew something was terribly wrong. I loved him and didn't care what it cost me, I had to have him in my life. I tried for several months to get in touch with him, but to no avail, I didn't. June of 2005, Sniper came home for his son's 8th Grade graduation. He called me. He had decided this was the very last time he was going to try. He never knew I was trying to get a hold of him for the last year. We talked for a few hours on the phone and decided to meet the next day for coffee. I was still living with the Jackass and completely miserable. I knew that this time I wouldn't chicken out. I had decided awhile ago that the next time we came in contact it would be forever. I had a conversation with Jedi a few months prior to this and told him my fears with Sniper. I was afraid of the Marine Corps Life. I was afraid of having to move the kids. However, I loved Sniper with all my heart and wanted him in my life. Jedi knew this. He told me, "He won't be in the Corps forever. Don't be such a dip shit and follow your heart." That night we went out to the movies with Bubba (now 15) , Bubba's girlfriend and his Nephew. It had been 10 years since we had physically seen each other. I felt like a high school girl going out on her first date. I was so nervous before he picked me up. I changed my clothes countless times. I went home that night and knew my life had to change. I had already been waiting for the summer to move. (I didn't want to uproot Drama Queen from school. I would rather her change during the summer.) I told the Jackass I was moving. I moved out 6 weeks later. And as they say the rest is history........ We had a conversation awhile later and the dream I had while he was in the Sandbox. Well, that was the exact same time he was hurt....do you believe in fate. Because damn I know I sure do. Somehow we just have a special connection. When Sniper was home this last time for Christmas, I had a very long conversation with his mom. His mom knew what happened in boot camp and everything in between. I wanted to make sure (with the histroy between his mom and I) that she would give me her blessing on us. She told me, "I always knew you were meant for him. I know after all this time and with both of your feelings still never changing, that you two do love each other. It is true love. I know you will make a good wife for him someday." A lot of other conversation went with this, but it was wonderful to hear her say that. I do have some serious issues though: I am doing one of those Deja Vu things. This was the same time 14 years ago he left. 14 years ago him to boot camp.....now, the Sandbox. 14 years ago Sniper left before my 21st birthday....now, leaving before my 35th birthday. However, the biggest difference will be I will be right here waiting for him when he returns to spend the rest of our lives together. Sniper forgave me a long time ago....I just have never been able to forgave myself for what I did to him in boot camp. I know with him leaving it will be in the back of his head (whether he admits it or not) that I won't be here or that I will find the comfort of someone else. And yes, with my track record I can completely understand this. I will say this, I will never hurt him again. I would rather take my life then destroy him like I did all those years ago. I couldn't live with myself if that happened. If you read this whole thing, you know the "History" of Sniper and I. Please don't pass judgment on me. I have to live with my demons everyday and they are hell to live with....... dyzgoneby