Homecoming Anxieties, Mine

You ever sit and wonder what homecoming will be like? All the people standing around waiting for the first view of their loved ones in months. People holding up "Homecoming Signs" for their loved ones. The crowds cheering as they come off the bus. The people running up and getting that first kiss and hug in months. The closer it comes, the more I am and it's not all good. You hear about the excitement from those left at home, but do you ever hear the frustrations, apprehensions, anxieties or fears? You can all guess my excitement, so I won't talk about that, but I will talk about the later. This deployment being my first deployment with Sniper as his "significant other" and not just knowing he is gone again brings different feelings. It has been the hardest one he has had since his time in the Marine Corps. You have heard of him being wounded, but I haven't let on about anything else. Yes we know war is ugly, and trust me Sniper has seen it all. There are lots of issues going on at this point. I am still waiting before I can tell and it probably won't be until he is stateside. He has always wanted a homecoming. Since this will be his last deployment he will get his wish and he has made sure we all know we are expected to be there. He said he would go with the flow with whatever his mom wants to do (he will continue to make sacrifices for everyone else's pleasure), but he told me he would like it if we all could have dinner & go to his bar the first night (low key), bbq the next day. Let's just say his wish probably isn't going to happen. I am worried about what it will be like watching him come off the bus, with his whole family gathered around. There will be roughly 20 people coming from all over. I know everyone is going to be pushing to get that "hug and kiss" from him. They are all going to want his attention. Me, I dream of just finding a bench and waiting for everyone else to hem and haw over him and watch from the sidelines. I just want to blend in with the scenery. It's not because I don't want to be the first one. I just don't want to overstep my bounds with anyone around us. I am very worried about how he is going to be around so many people. I can see he is going to be pulled into so many directions. I don't think he will tell anyone he needs a break and I don't think most people will know when to back the hell off. He will endure the bullshit and once everyone is gone, then let loose. I tried expressing to him that I would only go down for a day or two, I don't want to overwhelm him. I would rather he spend the time with his family (yes, I know I am part of his family) and not have to worry about me. I also tried telling him I would get a hotel room for myself (this is a story in itself). I know he will have leave time & figured we could play catch up then or I could fly down another weekend afterwards. Needless to say, he took it the wrong way and thought I just didn't want to be there, which is the farthest from the truth. What I want is "homecoming" to be a relaxing environment for him and not the bullshit I can see that is going to happen. If that meant taking one less person, me, out of the mix, then so be it. I don't know how to express that. Yes, I am so excited to see and hold him again. This is the man I have loved for so long. I just want to wrap my arms around him, hold on tight and never let go. I don't know how to express how deep my love runs for him and that I would do anything in the world for him. I would sacrifice anything, including my happiness for him. He has made enough sacrifices for everyone else, it's about time other's did this for him. Does this make sense? I am just feeling a very overwhelmed at this point. I feel more overwhelmed for him more than anything. I am even having nightmares over this (this is not a joke or exaggeration). I know it's stupid, but it is bothering me to no end. I know this is supposed to be a happy time & I am supposed to be excited, but I can't get past the whole "homecoming" crap that I feel is going to happen. I am almost dreading it and if it wouldn't upset him, I would rather wait until his leave to spend time with him. Can you tell? I haven't even had a chance to stress too much over the digression issues that will happen as well. That in itself is a whole other long story and more stress. At this rate I can almost guarantee I will have an ulcer, drop the 15 lbs I have gained from lack of an appetitie and the no smoking, probably won't last much longer. I can't drink myself into oblivion as much as I would love to. Dyzgoneby Counting down until Sniper is in my arms again, please give me strength to help him.