Days Gone By

"Yesterday is already a dream, And tomorrow is only a vision, but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope."

In Afgahnistan
  • AfghaniDan
  • Army Girl


  • In Iraq
  • 2-28 BCT Iron Soldiers
  • American Citizen Solider
  • Another Army Trip
  • Bandit.three.six
  • Back in the Sandbox
  • Badgers Foward
  • Charlie Company
  • Chairborne Stranger
  • Combat Medic In Iraq
  • Desert Excursion
  • Doc in the Box
  • Fraser's Back to Iraq
  • Fun With Hand Grenades
  • Grey Eagle
  • Her View in Iraq
  • Jack Army
  • Just Another Thunderhorse Roughneck
  • Justice Soldier
  • Marketing in Iraq
  • Medic Evolved
  • Pass The Brass
  • The Sandbox
  • Sgt Hook
  • T.F. Boggs
  • TBone's War Journal
  • Walts Iraq Blog
  • Watch Your Six

    Air Force
  • Dude Where's the Beach
  • Fix 4 RSO
  • Linked in USAF

    Army
  • 365 and a Wake-up
  • A Long Strange Trip
  • Across the Pond
  • Alexander the Average
  • American Solider
  • Be a Simple-Kind of Man
  • Dadmanly
  • Firepower Forward
  • From My Position...On the Way!
  • Greg's Notes
  • J Barne's Coffee Shop
  • Ma Deuce Gunner
  • Soldier's Mind
  • Tanker Brothers
  • Where I Stand
  • Who's Your Baghdaddy
  • Wordsmith at War

    Marines
  • A Soldier's Perspective
  • Akinoluna
  • America's Son
  • Drunken Wisdom
  • Fire and Ice
  • Flight Pundit
  • Frank Speaks Out
  • From the Halls to the Shores
  • Green....Again
  • How Did I Get Here?
  • In The Rear with The Beer: Adventures in Garrison
  • Myskatterbrain
  • One Marine's View
  • Midnight in Iraq
  • Rule 308
  • Sandbox Chronicles
  • SandGram
  • Team Med-Fah

    Navy
  • Froggy Ruminations
  • Randon Thoughts of Yet Another Military Member
  • They Call us, Doc


  • Recruiting
  • Adventures of a Detailed Recruiter
  • Adventures of Mauser Girl
  • Confessions of A Military Recruiter
  • Recruiting Tirade
  • Sgt Lori


  • Veterans
  • Argghhh! The Home Of Jonah's Military Guys +1
  • Blackfive
  • Buzz Patterson
  • Drop and Give Me 20
  • Frankly Opinionated
  • Gun Line
  • Gunn Nutt
  • Hello Iraq
  • Indepundit
  • Michael Yon
  • Michael Yon's Frontline Forum
  • Milblog Wire
  • Milblogging.com
  • Military Outpost
  • Mudville Gazette
  • OPFOR
  • Semper Gratus!
  • Vets For Freedom


  • Military Families
  • A Solider & his Wife
  • A Solider's Wife
  • A Texan Abroad
  • Air Force Family
  • An Army Wife's Life
  • Andi's World
  • Army of Mom
  • Army Wife
  • ArmyWifeToddlerMom
  • CaliValleyGirl
  • Camouflaged Daydreams
  • Consider How the Lilies Grow
  • Daily Life of A Marine Mom
  • Diary of a SAHM
  • Dirty Days
  • Erika's Blog
  • For My Sanity
  • Great Googly Moogly
  • Homefront Six
  • Hooah Wife and Friends
  • Jill Army
  • Julie Anna Infantry Wife
  • Kbug
  • Keep My Soldier Safe
  • Kept Woman
  • Learning to Live
  • Life in this Girl's Army
  • Marine Corps Moms
  • Melanie N Stuff
  • My Life as a Military Spouse
  • My Side of the Puddle
  • Patiently Waiting
  • Patriette
  • Proud Infantry Wife
  • Seven Inches of Sense
  • Soldier's Mom
  • SpouseBuzz
  • Two Blue Lines
  • Updates on My Soldier
  • World Well
  • You Betcha I'm a Proud Army Mom


  • Military and Supporters
  • AnySoldier.com
  • DesertExile
  • Fuzzlicious Thinking
  • Michelle Malkin
  • Milblogs
  • Military Blog
  • PC Free Zone
  • Politics of A Patriot
  • Redneck's Revenge
  • Righty in a Lefty State
  • Soldier's Angels
  • The Truth Laid Bear
  • Yikes!


  • Military News
  • Iraq Colation Casualties
  • Marine Corps Times
  • Military.com
  • Multi-National Force-Iraq
  • Stars & Stripes
  • U.S. Department of Defense


  • We Will Never Forget
  • Don't Let The Memory Of Them Drift Away


  • Funny Stuff
  • Dad Gone Mad
  • I Think There May Be Something Seriously Wrong With Me
  • The Sarcastic Journalist


  • Cool Gear
  • All Fired Up
  • Beadwork by Sheree Deployment Bracelets
  • Frankly Opinionated
  • LA Police Gear
  • Once a Marine Always a Marine Sgt Grit
  • Soldier City
  • About Me

    My Photo
    Name: dyzgoneby
    Location: California, United States

    I am married to a wonderful Marine and a mother of 5 darling children. Sniper has been home from his second tour in the Shitbox since July 2006. This will be my rants, raves and rumblings with my life with him as a Marine Wife, him dealing with life post Iraq and the Marine Corps next adventure for us. At times I may whine, I may cry and there maybe times I just don't make any sense and you think WTF. These are my feelings and my feelings alone. If you don't like what I have to say, click the "X" in the right corner and move on. Thank a vet for having that choice. If not, sit back and enjoy the peak into my crazy world.

    View my complete profile

    More About Us & My Favorite Posts

    • Things You Probably Don't Want To Know
    • Sniper & My Story
    • One Year Ago
    • A Fairy Tale Coming True
    • Fairytale Wedding
    • Sniper's Reply to The Ass Munch
    • Freedom Is Not Free
    • What We Take For Granted

    My Favorite Pics

    • Engagement Pics
    • Wedding Pics
    • Homecoming Pics
    • Deployment Pics
    • Mohawk Marines

    Previous Posts

    • Memorial Day and Sacrifices
    • Memorial Day Thoughts
    • Diary of A Last and Final Flight Home
    • Wedding Photos
    • Fairytale Wedding
    • Another Update
    • Tired
    • MIB...Who? Me
    • My Birthday
    • Chaotic Life

    Links



      I Remember
      David Grimner
      World Trade Center

      Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


      Prev | List | Random | Next
      Join
      Powered by RingSurf!


      Powered by Blogger

      Image hosting by Photobucket

    Wednesday, June 13, 2007

    Inner Struggles

    Unsure of where I belong.

    As a wife of a Marine in a Civilian world.......

    I feel like I don't belong. I have a husband whom just happens to be a active duty Marine, living 100's of miles away. Civilian's who have never lived in this life or have a family member in the military, have no fucking clue what it is like. They can't truly fathom or understand what it is like living in this world.

    Coming home from a long day at work and not having your husband to wrap his arms around you, kiss you and just melt all the stress away. I sit here so far away from my husband and miss him so much it hurts. On days like today (which is more times than not), that is all I want. The touch of him just melts all my stresses away, warms my body and heart and makes me forget about everything.

    Fixing a meal, by yourself, for your family. Then sitting down to eat together, with a empty chair where your husband should be. Hearing our children talk about there day and laughing with them. Then looking over and still staring at that empty chair and realizing how much you want him to share in it with you. Laughing with the kids, as they try to clean up the kitchen afterwards, all the while wishing he was hear to laugh with us.

    Helping our kids with there homework and knowing this is something Sniper does when he is home. Watching the kids play video games together as a family and looking over to the empty spot on the couch where he usually sits and watches with us.

    Climbing into bed at night by yourself, knowing he's not there to lay your head on his chest. Cuddling up with his pillows, just to catch a smell of his scent. Thinking he is 100's of miles away doing the same thing.

    It's pretty damn lonely and there is no one around who understands what it is like.....

    Then you have the endless questions that I am so sick and tired of hearing: When is Sniper retiring? When is he coming home? Are you moving down to San Diego? When is the next time you will see him? When is the next time he will be here? How do you do it?

    I hear these questions, so many times a day, it makes me sick to my stomach. I know people mean well, but inside I am just screaming, "Don't you think IF I KNEW the FUCKING answer, you would know!" "Don't you think IF I knew something, anything, I wouldn't be screaming it at the top of my lungs!"

    They just don't get it and I have no one around me who I can relate with.

    I have no sympathy for them because there spouse is going away on a business trip for a few days and they have to take care of the kids and house by themselves. I don't care and don't give a shit that there spouse locked there keys in the car and now they are whining because they have to take the spare keys to them. I don't have empathy for all there whining bullshit about there day to day lives with there spouse and the petty bullshit.

    On the other side as a Marine Wife....

    I again, feel like I don't belong to that world either.

    I don't understand much about how the Marine Corps work. (I am learning, but by the time I have anything of substance down, Sniper will be retired.) When Sniper talks about different aspects of his job or what is going on or this whole fucking PEB retiring shit, I understand very little. That means I have to ask lots of questions. I know Sniper gets frustrated with me, especially when I ask the same question a few times over (mind you he has already answered them at another time), but again, I am learning and there are somethings I just don't fucking understand or comprehend.

    I am not able to share with him anything that deals with him and the Marine Corps. I don't feel like I am part of that life, his life, when it comes to the Marine Corps and that is a majority of what his life is and who he is.

    I am not there for him after a long day at work, to come home to and vent to. He keeps a lot (Sniper, you do more than you realize) to himself or vents to other's around him. I just don't understand that part of his life. Yes, we have the phone we communicate on, but that's not the same, especially when one hates talking on the phone.

    I am not able to share with Sniper all the day to day activities he does or anything his command does for the families.

    I don't understand much about base life. The few times I am down there, I feel like a lost puppy. I don't want to ask for help or directions because then I feel like other Marines just look at me as another "Delta Whiskey" (Dependent Wife). You know, the ones who sit on there fat lazy asses all day, do nothing, don't hold a job, spend there husbands money, wait for him to deploy and go fuck another Marine. (Sorry if I offend anyone, I am not trying to, but I know a few who fit into this or Marines who's ex-wives fit into this category. OK more than just a few)

    I don't have the connections with other Marine Wives. I am not around other Wives whom I can relate with. Those who understand what it is like.

    The only things I can really tell you about is what "Hurry up and Wait" is, the Marine Corps does things at there own pace and deployments suck ass.

    So you see, inside, I feel like I don't know where I belong, where I fit in. I can't relate to either world....

    I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I feel like I am in a deep dark cave and can't find my way out and there is no light to guide me. I am just maneuvering around by touch. And some days, I just feel like I wish the cave would just swallow me up.....

    Please don't misunderstand me. I am happily married and I wouldn't change marrying Sniper for the world. He is everything to me and means more to me than life itself. Life is just lonely and I would give anything to see some glimmer of a light in this cave I/we live in.....


    Dyzgoneby
    Sniper, I love you with all my heart, my darlin' husband. See you in my dreams.

    posted by dyzgoneby at 6/13/2007 08:50:00 PM

    Comments on "Inner Struggles"

     

    Blogger Stacy said ... (5:40 AM) : 

    One day soon you will all be together and you can begin your new life. It will be wonderful. It's just that damm waiting and wondering and when that get to you. Will be thinking about you.

     

    Blogger Reasa said ... (8:53 AM) : 

    I understand. As a National Guard wife when Huby is deployed it is hard to explain or care what others are going through. We have started sitting at the coffee table for dinner so I do not look at an empty chair. It was getting to hard to look at. One day soon i keep telling myself many times a day that this will be over. I hope time speeds by for you two.

     

    Blogger Butterfly Wife said ... (7:52 PM) : 

    My husband is deployed (Army Reserves) with a unit that is 1500 miles away. No one here understands what it is like. The end is in sight though, just when I've gotten used to this situation! That's my Army life! LOL.

    Some days it is cry or laugh or both! While everyone's situation is a little different, I think a lot of us blogging milspouses understand what it is like to not fit in where we are at. We keep coming back to check on you!! Take care. Keep blogging. We're here to listen.

     

    Blogger kbug said ... (10:06 AM) : 

    I feel for you, dyz.....I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can feel your unhappiness and confusion and frustration. It's so difficult to make people understand when they aren't at all connected to the military. They may mean well, but they just don't have a clue. I remember trying to explain my feelings to friends while Seth was deployed...it was impossible and I finally gave up. There are way too many people like that these days...no connection, totally removed, could care less...and that's really sad.

    I remember once when I had a bad accident and broke a bunch of bones that someone told me "This too shall pass." As true as that statement may be, it doesn't make the waiting any easier...just hang in there and know that there are some who understand and we're here for you anytime.

     

    Blogger AFSister said ... (5:14 PM) : 

    Keith and I aren't married, but we do live 1000 miles away from each other and rarely get to see each other. When we do, all is right in the world again- I feel safe, loved, protected, appreciated, and comfortable. And then.. he's gone again, beginning another 2 months or so of separation. So yeah.. I totally get that part.

    Like you, I'm still learning about military life and don't want to feel like a dipshit whenever I'm talking to the guys. It's frustrating. Even more frustrating is knowing that his unit is 400 miles away from here- and so are the other spouses. I don't have anyone to lean on either.

    So... we need to lean on each other, eh?

     

    Blogger dyzgoneby said ... (10:56 AM) : 

    Stacy...Thank you. The only thing in I can count on is he will be "home" sometime in the next 4 years/8months. But, please let it be sooner.

    NG Wife...I finally started sitting in his chair so I didn't have to look at it, but the kids keep giving me grief and telling me "Sniper" is the man of the house, not me...LOL

    butterflywife...I agree, it is so hard when those around you don't understand. On Friday, my boss point blank asked me "When I was moving?" As I told her and I keep telling everyone...."I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE." I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.

    Kbug...you always have just the right wisdom and words to say. Yes, "This to shall pass." I remember when he was deployed and I never thought I would see him again or the day of homecoming would come. And, here it is almost a year since he has been home, well stateside at least.

    AF Sister....I knew you would understand and yes we are here to lean on. It's funny, I have always felt more connected on this damn computer to all of you, then those around me. And that includes most of my family.

    I love you guys and THANK YOU. I know where I can come for a little understanding and a good Kick in the ASS when I need it.

     

    post a comment

    Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines do not have that problem. President Ronald Reagan