Inner Struggles

Unsure of where I belong. As a wife of a Marine in a Civilian world....... I feel like I don't belong. I have a husband whom just happens to be a active duty Marine, living 100's of miles away. Civilian's who have never lived in this life or have a family member in the military, have no fucking clue what it is like. They can't truly fathom or understand what it is like living in this world. Coming home from a long day at work and not having your husband to wrap his arms around you, kiss you and just melt all the stress away. I sit here so far away from my husband and miss him so much it hurts. On days like today (which is more times than not), that is all I want. The touch of him just melts all my stresses away, warms my body and heart and makes me forget about everything. Fixing a meal, by yourself, for your family. Then sitting down to eat together, with a empty chair where your husband should be. Hearing our children talk about there day and laughing with them. Then looking over and still staring at that empty chair and realizing how much you want him to share in it with you. Laughing with the kids, as they try to clean up the kitchen afterwards, all the while wishing he was hear to laugh with us. Helping our kids with there homework and knowing this is something Sniper does when he is home. Watching the kids play video games together as a family and looking over to the empty spot on the couch where he usually sits and watches with us. Climbing into bed at night by yourself, knowing he's not there to lay your head on his chest. Cuddling up with his pillows, just to catch a smell of his scent. Thinking he is 100's of miles away doing the same thing. It's pretty damn lonely and there is no one around who understands what it is like..... Then you have the endless questions that I am so sick and tired of hearing: When is Sniper retiring? When is he coming home? Are you moving down to San Diego? When is the next time you will see him? When is the next time he will be here? How do you do it? I hear these questions, so many times a day, it makes me sick to my stomach. I know people mean well, but inside I am just screaming, "Don't you think IF I KNEW the FUCKING answer, you would know!" "Don't you think IF I knew something, anything, I wouldn't be screaming it at the top of my lungs!" They just don't get it and I have no one around me who I can relate with. I have no sympathy for them because there spouse is going away on a business trip for a few days and they have to take care of the kids and house by themselves. I don't care and don't give a shit that there spouse locked there keys in the car and now they are whining because they have to take the spare keys to them. I don't have empathy for all there whining bullshit about there day to day lives with there spouse and the petty bullshit. On the other side as a Marine Wife.... I again, feel like I don't belong to that world either. I don't understand much about how the Marine Corps work. (I am learning, but by the time I have anything of substance down, Sniper will be retired.) When Sniper talks about different aspects of his job or what is going on or this whole fucking PEB retiring shit, I understand very little. That means I have to ask lots of questions. I know Sniper gets frustrated with me, especially when I ask the same question a few times over (mind you he has already answered them at another time), but again, I am learning and there are somethings I just don't fucking understand or comprehend. I am not able to share with him anything that deals with him and the Marine Corps. I don't feel like I am part of that life, his life, when it comes to the Marine Corps and that is a majority of what his life is and who he is. I am not there for him after a long day at work, to come home to and vent to. He keeps a lot (Sniper, you do more than you realize) to himself or vents to other's around him. I just don't understand that part of his life. Yes, we have the phone we communicate on, but that's not the same, especially when one hates talking on the phone. I am not able to share with Sniper all the day to day activities he does or anything his command does for the families. I don't understand much about base life. The few times I am down there, I feel like a lost puppy. I don't want to ask for help or directions because then I feel like other Marines just look at me as another "Delta Whiskey" (Dependent Wife). You know, the ones who sit on there fat lazy asses all day, do nothing, don't hold a job, spend there husbands money, wait for him to deploy and go fuck another Marine. (Sorry if I offend anyone, I am not trying to, but I know a few who fit into this or Marines who's ex-wives fit into this category. OK more than just a few) I don't have the connections with other Marine Wives. I am not around other Wives whom I can relate with. Those who understand what it is like. The only things I can really tell you about is what "Hurry up and Wait" is, the Marine Corps does things at there own pace and deployments suck ass. So you see, inside, I feel like I don't know where I belong, where I fit in. I can't relate to either world.... I feel like I am stuck in limbo. I feel like I am in a deep dark cave and can't find my way out and there is no light to guide me. I am just maneuvering around by touch. And some days, I just feel like I wish the cave would just swallow me up..... Please don't misunderstand me. I am happily married and I wouldn't change marrying Sniper for the world. He is everything to me and means more to me than life itself. Life is just lonely and I would give anything to see some glimmer of a light in this cave I/we live in..... Dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart, my darlin' husband. See you in my dreams.