What You Will Never Want To See

Do you ever feel your heart just aching? That you need to just get things off your mind and your chest? Sunday Wingman, Bubba (Sniper's son) and I spent the day together. Ever since the break-in I wanted to have a gun in the house (yes it still bother's me, but I am not letting it get the best of me). I talked it over with Sniper and Wingman and I can have Sniper's gun on a few conditions: 1. I learn how to shoot it (it's been many year's since I have shot a gun) 2. I get a case to keep it locked up and don't let the kids know it's in the house 3. I learn how to clean the weapon (still working on this) 4. (Wingman's rule) I learn the 4 safety rules and 3 weapon conditions (still working on this) The three of us spent a few hours at the range and I did pretty well. I was amazed how comfortable I become with it, it didn't take long. I think I just found a new hobby (boy can this get expensive). Afterward, we all came back to my house to kick back. We were all playing around on the computer. I looked up at the screen and my heart just stopped. When Sniper was hurt, the fucking insurgents had video taped it, it's on the internet. Sniper told me about this a few weeks ago that it was out there and he has saw it. He said when I am ready, and if I want to, he would show it to me. I was looking at Sniper and the other Marine getting hit by an IED. I had to walk out of the room. I couldn't breathe. It all seemed so unreal. I finally came back upstairs (I was trying to keep it all in, Bubba was here). Wingman hugged me and said everything is ok. That night after they left, I lost it. Everything inside of me was so numb. I kept looking at the computer and thinking I want to finish watching it. I found the sight online (yes, you can find anything online, even this sick fucking shit) and bookmarked it. I had a few drinks and just kept staring at the monitor. It went on for a long time. I finally decided to push play (I will regret that for a long time if not for the rest of my life). Nothing can prepare you for something as watching your love one getting hurt, getting blown up. He was so close that day to not coming home the same way he left. He is one helluva a lucky man to still be alive. God was truly watching out for him. The insurgents were so close to him and the other Marines. I sat there for a long time and cried. I thought I was going to lose it, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and be done with everything. I never should have done that, let alone by myself. I didn't sleep much that night and when I did the nightmares kept coming. I woke-up the following morning still crying. I went to work on Monday, so depressed. Sniper's call that day could not have come at a better time. I really needed to hear his voice. I waited until almost the end of our conversation before I told him I saw it. I didn't tell him my reaction other than I cried. Sniper is not happy with me that I watched it, he wishes I wouldn't have or would have waited until he was home and he could have watched it with me, to hold onto me. So many things I would have changed, but now that is hindsight. I still keep thinking about that fucking video and the images I saw. As a civilian, that is a lot to grasp. As a Marine, that is just another day for them. I have a lot of respect for what our Military does and sees, day in and out. I think about how this has affected me and know this ain't shit compared to what he has seen. If you are out there thinking I will share the sight with you, I have this to say....Fuck You. dyzgoneby