More Adjustments From Me

I have always been extremely independent. I have never really had anyone in my life that I could let my guard down and rely on, even friends. I have always been the stronger person in my relationships. I always made the decisions with my life and that was the way it was. I say something and that is how it was done. Simply, I have always wore "the pants." I know I have made really crappy decisions (until now) with the men in my life. It was just the way it was. With Sniper it has always been different. I know I can rely on him for anything. He does what he says he is going to do and I never have to worry. I can tell him exactly how I feel and don't have to worry about his perceptions of me. I can be silly, funny, sad, angry, etc. We are friends first and foremost. Basically, I can be "me" and he loves me who I am. Before the deployment I could talk to him and tell him exactly what was on my mind. When he deployed I started "sheltering" him with "how I was doing." When he would ask "How was I doing" or "How I was holding up" or "How things were going." I gave him my typical response "fine" or "ok." I didn't want him to worry about me. I know he does any way, but I wanted him to stay focused. I didn't want him to lose sight. He had missions to complete and didn't need the added stress. Or so I thought. I didn't tell him I would stay in my room for days on end and not come out. There where weekends I would sit and drink by myself to oblivion. Yes, days on end. There were days and weeks I would cry for endless hours worrying about him. At one point I was up to smoking 3 packs a day and I didn't think that was possible. I never told him how lonely and how heartbroken I was. I never told him, there were days I didn't think I would make it through the deployment. Not that I would leave him, I just felt I would rather life swallowed me up. I never told him truly how I was feeling. I eventually pulled up my big girl panties and carried on, but I still had those really crappy days. I never told him after the break-in how truly shaken up it has made me. How scared shitless I really was and am. How I spent the first two months locked in my room at night and wouldn't come out for anything, even food. (I was ok when the kids where home, but I have spent more nights without anyone here, than with). I still have nights I jump, grab my weapon and play Rambo through out the house. (The last time was a this last week). I still sleep with it locked and loaded right next to my head. I still lock myself in my room and don't come out until the morning. I'm not as bad as I was, but the fear is still there. I "sheltered" him on more than I should have. Right or wrong, I just did. I took that part of our communication and shut him off/out. Those of you out there who have been going through this or went through this now exactly what I mean. Since he has been home I am still doing the same thing. Last night we sat up in the wee hours of the morning, talking for awhile (via phone). He has been reading my blog and hadn't read it in awhile and saw what I posted here. I am still sheltering him. Instead I have came here and wrote how I am feeling or wrote in my journal. Why? I don't want him to worry about me (again, yes Sniper I know you will anyways). I want him to be able to re-adjust to life back home without the added stress. However, he told me "I can't re-adjust without you." That was a wake-up call. He's right. I have to communicate with him on "How I am doing." It's a two-way street that I can't continue to only let it be a one-way. I didn't realize that with him being home I would have my own re-adjustment issues. I never would have assumed it would be me. I just thought it would have been him. dyzgoneby Sniper, I am sorry I keep taking decisions out of your hands and making them for the both of us. As I promised you, I won't "shelter" you anymore. I did what I did because it is my nature to shelter and protect those I love. I know you are fierce like a lion, a very strong man and won't break.