Life and Death Fears Before a Deployment
| Please forgive me this is my first deployment with Sniper as his significant other and I am not sure what is normal. This by far isn't his first (14 years in). I just don't remember him acting like this on the last one. I also don't know anyone to talk to who can tell me what is normal. Sniper is here at home (where he grew up) and deploys in a few short weeks. I only have a three more days with him left. He has been going around to all his "friends" and making peace with them all. Along with his family. He and I have had so many "what if something happens to him" conversations it is scaring the hell out of me. I wasn't to scared until he started talking like this. He has said this is this first time he truly is scared and believes something is going to happen to him and he will be coming home in a pine box or hurt very badly. He keeps making me promise that I will go on. Or, if he comes home with missing limbs, I will stay by his side and not leave him. I am not going anywhere no matter what. I love that man to damn much. He is everything to me. On this deployment, he is the only one who has been to the Sandbox before. I know he was hurt very bad last time and extremely lucky to make it out alive. He lost another Marine that day, the Marine next to him lost his leg and the Doc thought he was a goner and pulled his tag out of his boot (he was bleeding out of his ear). He told me that almost made him lose his will to live, but one of his close friends (Wingman) was there and kept him going. He has even gone so far as to let me know how I will be notified (not married). His friends, Marines, will look after me. He is making sure I get a flag to remember him by. He has askedWingman to make sure they drape another flag over his coffin and present it to me. Along those lines: I can't stop crying. I would love to go longer than a few hours without crying. It doesn't matter where I'm at or who is around. I haven't ever cried like this. I can't sleep. I am lucky if I sleep longer than 3 hours. The nightmares are to much to handle. I can't keep anything down. I have lost 5lbs. I can't keep losing weight. There won't be anything left. I sent my kids to spend a few weeks with there dad because I can't deal with there fears. I also have zero patience. I am going away this next weekend for a scrapbook retreat for 3 days and hoping it will rejuvenate me and I will come home with a better perspective. I'm not looking for a pity party from anyone. I'm just very depressed. I am not sure how normal this is. One day I will probably look at this and say WTF was I thinking this is completely normal. dyzgoneby |
posted by dyzgoneby at 1/02/2006 10:51:00 AM
Comments on "Life and Death Fears Before a Deployment"
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CaliValleyGirl said ... (8:11 PM) :
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dyzgoneby said ... (10:58 AM) :
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julie anna said ... (10:30 PM) :
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Marvin said ... (5:20 PM) :
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FbL said ... (7:05 PM) :
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dyzgoneby said ... (7:24 PM) :
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dyzgoneby said ... (9:23 PM) :
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Anonymous said ... (7:34 PM) :
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dyzgoneby said ... (8:05 PM) :
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LiberalismIsAMentalDisorder said ... (11:29 AM) :
post a commentI tried to have many conversations with my bf before he left about him not coming home, and he just looked at me with this pained expression and said I was being morbid...it made me so angry, especially when there was a crash in his unit and 5 guys died. It made me angry that he didn't realize the stress that I would be going thru, and that me wanting to talk about that, was because I wanted to grapple with these things, before they became a reality. And that because he was too afraid to talk about them, I would be left with a sense of well, non-closure.
It must be hard hearing those things from him, when you worry about that too. However, I really wish that I had had those difficult conversations with my bf before he left. I was the one asking him: how will I be notified, and him never giving me a straight answer.
I was talking to a friend about this the other day: everyone can lose a loved one at any moment, and at least we have the "luxury" of realizing and cherishing the moments that many take for granted.
As I look back on the last few weeks, I am glad we did have the "What if's". Even if they scare me. We both have that peace of mind.
I am very glad he can truly share his feelings because I know a lot of Men (especially Military Men) can't or won't express their feelings with the significant other. We have always been able to communicate our feelings even if it is something the other person doesn't want to hear. I am grateful.
I think you are pretty normal. I cried alot before my husband left, and lost weight too...even more so after he left. It may not seem like it, but time does go by and he will be back home! Good luck :0)
Stay strong for him, Sniper needs it.
He is getting his emotions out before entering the Sandbox, cuz once in the Sandbox he can not allow emotions to interfere with his senses.
Give him a big hug, appear strong. He needs your strengh while 'working'.
Semper Fi
Hey Darlin'...
Your Marine putting his affairs in order can be troubling to you, but from an objective standpoint, doing it now "clears the deck" just in case, which will take much of the stress, should you have to worry about bigger things....
Okay, that sounded morbid... Wish it wasn't, but there is reality to be considered, as he may be going in harm's way...
THE GOOD NEWS is that he's savvy... He knows what he's in for, and he will be with other Marines who know the lay of the land. He has the love of a good woman to motivate him. You can go crazy expecting the worse, so don't. (Yes, it's hard not to, but trust in him...)
In any event, there support on the homefront for both of you... And plenty of prayers... Keep the faith, and stay strong.
Semper Fidelis.
I am so humbled by the outpour of support I have received in the last few days since I posted this up and Smash linked to it. I am truly thankful for everyone.
Unfortunately/fortunately with any depolyment you have to talk about the reality of "What if..." No, it's not morbid, it is just what it is, reality.
I am very grateful that Sniper took the time to share his feelings and expectations of this with me, just in case anything should happen.
If you read this and the next post, please read the post Sniper wrote regarding all of this.
My husband posted this link on his blog and now that our son is asleep, I actually have a moment to review and respond.
My husband, a marine, is on his fourth deployment in 2 1/2 years. This is his third Iraq deployment and the only reason he is there now (only three months after getting home from an 8 month tour) was because he volunteered to be a combat replacement for a fallen pilot from his squadron.
I don't have any advice for you but perhaps I could offer my humble perspective. Yes, it is sobering to complete the Will (including details like who you want to be your pallbearer) but it is also comforting to be able to have these conversations of one's final wishes and hope of what legacy they leave behind.
There is something sacred to deployments, relationship wise. I have years of correspondences documenting conversations that appreciate and acknowledge our frailty and temporary existence. We haven't had to deal with petty every day issues which too often distract and conceal what is truly valuable in this life.
A lot of liberals rant to me about their views of the war and ask how I get through each day since I must be consumed by anxiety and thoughts of losing him. I'm not. I have to be in complete denial until the day comes, if it ever does.
I flew home the other day and sat next to a Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel who recently found out that his wife has Hodgkin's Disease. She is only 41. I asked him timidly what the prognosis was and he replied, "She doesn't have a choice, she's going to live." That's the only way to tackle it. And then he added, "But this process, I know this sounds crazy, has been the most positive and intimate experience we've ever shared."
In four deployments I've learned this: if you're going to seriously be involved with a Marine these days, the quality of the relationship and his ability to focus rests on your sincere support and strength.
anonymous...All I can say is "Thank you from the bottom of my heart!"
I will support him and stand proudly beside him.
The american people stand by you and your man as he is deployed, I can not even begin to tell you the pride welling up in my heart knowing there are men as brave as him who are willing to fight for me.
As someone who has a pseudo son in the army and is being deployed I can relate to the anguish you feel in all the unknown answers and fears. We pray that they will be ok and we stand behind the fact that God is watching over them, and they are serving a higher purpose..but there is still that "nag"
America considers both you and your man true heros, and I salute you.