Back to Reality

This week life went back to normal. As normal as one can be when there loved one has been through hell and trying to make his way back. It will be a long trip back. Then again, I don't think he will ever be back to the way he was before. There were too many demons this time around. I have said it many times through his deployment this time, it was harder then the others. He seen more and went through more, alone. He was the one who everyone relied on. The one everyone went to for anything, even personal issues they had. He....had no one. No one there for him to talk to, relate to. Everything he went through he did it alone. Then the beginning of June the shit hit the fan and he was truly even more alone than he was before. I am still not ready to talk about it, but soon. As for me, I am trying to go back to my "normal" routine. But what is that? My life pre-deployment was different. I knew what to expect. I had my friends. I had a job. I had my kids. I knew what to expect of "our" relationship. I knew when I would see him. I knew when I would talk to him. I knew what was coming. My life during the deployment was different. New job. New friends. New routines. Endless hours and days of worrying and stressing. Countless times wondering what was coming next. I learned to deal with the punches and blows and continue on. Where does my life go now? That is the million dollar question. I know where my job is heading. I know where my kids are. I know what to expect around the house. I am just adjusting to understanding how I handle or deal with the distance of "us." Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. "Our" relationship is not going anywhere. We are in it for the long haul (I would never leave that man and would fight to the death for him). Through the good times, the bad times and times like now. It's not in trouble. It's just different. I know it has only been a week, but it is hard not to worry. The distance in miles is harder than before to accept. Some of this stems from a conversation I had with Gunny when I came back from Homecoming. We talked about the next move for Sniper. Where the Marine Corps was sending him next.... 1. Recruiting Duty. This will be a long one that I am unsure if I like. 2. PCS'ng him somewhere else. Let's just say it could be a long way away from home. But, I will follow him anywhere the Marine Corps sends him 3. I don't want to think about it yet......yes, there is talk of another tour of Iraq already. God help me, I don't know how I can deal with that again, let alone him. 4. Not reenlisting and getting out. I highly doubt it though. 5. Unknown destination. This scares me as well. Gunny has a different outlook though. He was in 21 years. There when Beirut happened in 1983. Deployed, floats, westpac, countless times. The last time, he came home from being deployed, his wife of 14 years was gone with there kids and his stuff sitting in boxes (she moved to Texas). He knows how hard it is to live the "Marine Corps" life and lose everything you love. He talks all the time how he made soo many mistakes when it came to his family. If it wasn't for the life he choose he would still have his family. (Yes, he is remarried, but it's just different). He doesn't want "us" to experience this. He gave me some food for thought and told me to ponder a few question.....What about happiness for yourself? What about happiness for Sniper? What about having a family? What about enjoying life? What do you both want? The road you are going down is a long, heartbreaking, and lonely road. Why are you both doing this? I can answer for myself, but not for Sniper. I love him. Isn't that enough? These questions just keep going through my head though. I can't get them out of my head. This ended up taking a different direction then when I started...But in the end I wrote this to let those that are going through it or our getting ready for the re-adjustment period, what to expect. I read "Down Range" and that has helped. If you haven't figured it out yet, yes there are PTSD issues going on around here and this is just the beginning....... dyzgoneby adjusting to another life