Dying A Little Inside

The other day, I was scrolling through a few of my favorite blogs and found these posts from MQ, Some Soldier's Mom, and Mrs. Dadmanly. I can relate to all of them. The one thing most of us have in common is, we all seem to have the same thoughts, fears and adjustments. Just from a little different perspective, either as a parent, spouse or significant other. I am no different and have been going through my own adjustment as well. I never truly imagined or could fathom the idea of really seeing Sniper home again alive and he has been home a month already. I had in the back of my head through his whole deployment, that I would never see him again and that is just a horrible thought. I hoped and prayed that I would see him again, but I know the reality of the life he leads and what he, as a Marine, is all about. After the first time he was wounded, thoughts plagued my head with I will never see him again. That call is one I will never forget for the rest of my life. I can tell you exactly where I was standing, what I was doing when the call came and what I was looking at. I can still hear the conversation from us playing in my head. I live that day over and over again. Add the visual of the video I have seen with my own eyes. Of him blowing up, the Marine (Iceman) and the tree taking the brunt of the IED. My fears intensifies I had and still have. The nightmares still come all to easy, all the while Sniper is sound asleep next to me. The second time he was wounded and called (plus all the close calls, bumps, scraps and bruises) had me thinking I now know for sure, I had seen him for the last time on January 25th at 0815. I had prepared myself for the worst. My head played nasty games with me the whole time and had me wondering "How am I going to make it without him?" "How am I going to live my life without him in it?" "I know I made him a promise, but can I really go on without him?" The third time he was WIA just a mere few weeks from coming home. This one I never received a call from him about. I heard it from someone else. At this point I had stopped feeling anything, but being numb inside. How do you shut this off? How do you change directions from all the fears you harbor only a short time ago? How do you have your mind comprehend and adjust to everything is ok now? You don't. It's not a light switch you can just shut off. My mind daily is still playing tricks on me. I know he is home safe and sound. I see him with my own eyes, I can touch him, I can feel him, but I can't get those fears out of my head. I lay in bed at night and just watch him sleep. I just stare at him and hold on for dear life. Every time one of us leaves the house, my fears hit me square in the chest. I start reliving those times all over again. I look at the pictures of this last deployment, I hear some of the stories and ordeals he went through and it always takes every ounce of strength I have to not lose it in front of him. I just want to hold on to him and never let go. There are days and times I am still sad, depressed and cry for no reason at all. My mood is somber, melancholy. All it takes is a sound, song, thought or smell and it brings back the six months he was gone and what I was doing and where he was at. I look at him and just want to cry for everything he went through and sacrificed for us. I know time will heal the wounds that I harbor, because let's face it those left behind have there own wounds as well. We may not have been there and done that, but we were left with the unknown fear and constant worrying. Basically we were left behind, helpless. Looking back on the last 7 months our lives have changed, my life has changed. We will never be the same person we were before. With each deployment, Sniper has and will change as well. I will lose a bit of him every time . I also know, a piece of me will die as well each time. There is a part of us that dies inside and the innocence is long gone. This was my first deployment with him and I can almost guarantee it won't be the last. We have already been talking about another round. He has had sooo many close calls the last two times in Iraq and that is not counting him in Somalia all those years ago. I am afraid he has played to close to death with each and every deployment and death is knocking on the door and ready to come in. You won't hear me say I am not afraid, because quiet frankly it scares the piss out of me. I went through this one drug free, but drinking some nights way too much just to numb the pain. I will admit, before he left I did seek help to deal with my fears, I just thought I could handle it by myself and stopped going. Next time I won't be a fool. I will ask for help again and stick with it, because I KNOW I can't make it without it. At least not without being put in a looney bin. For him, I do know he will proudly stand and defend our Country. Even if it means he makes the ultimate sacrifice while providing this. That is what he is all about. And me, I will stand proudly beside him, supporting him 110%, keeping those homefires burning, putting on the same facade that everything in our world is perfect, and dying a little inside everyday. dyzgoneby Sniper, all I ask is if there is any way, shape or form, for you to give me a little time before you go for another round.