I am not sure if I will even publish this, but I really need to write........ Tonight I sit here and stare at the four blank walls around me, music playing through the computer (Kenney Chesney is great to do this with), lost in my thoughts. My mind is so far away and the nights are extremely lonely. Yes, I am lonely. I am not looking for anyone else, I just miss the hell out of Sniper and my heart hurts like someone is ripping it out with there bare hands. When he was in Iraq it was in some way easier to deal with (the loneliness that is, nothing else). I knew he was 1,000's of miles away and I would just have to suck it up and deal with it. Since he has been home, it's harder to deal with. I miss having him around the house. I miss the physical contact, I am not talking about the "Adult" kind either. I miss the light touches we give each other. I miss looking into his eyes. I miss his hugs. I miss cuddling up with him. I miss going to bed at night with him and having his arms wrapped around me, holding me. Feeling that sense of security. Feeling like everything is perfect. Last night and today I watched the video he made while he was deployed. You know the one I am talking about. I must have watched it at least 15 times. I couldn't stop crying and tonight the tears still keep coming. I watch it and think of how much he has been through. How much it still is affecting him........and me. I am still feeling helpless and vulnerable. I still have a hard time sleeping at night. The nightmares just won't go away. I still see that damn IED going off in my dreams. Thanks to technology, I can't get it out of my head. Some nights I wake-up with tears still running down my face and my eyes swollen from crying out to him all night. I dream of him never coming home to us, his family. I honestly thought after him being home almost 3 months, life would go back to some normalcy for me. Instead, my temper is a little shorter than I would like. I still find myself becoming depressed, crying, angry, sad, melancholy. All of this is with no reasoning behind it. I still want to drink myself into oblivion and become numb to the world around me, but I don't. I know if I went down that road, I would lose myself and may never make it back. I think about and reflect back on the last year and a half with Sniper. Where we were, what we have been through and the direction we are heading. I think about this time last year, we were hoping for recruiting duty orders, him coming home, starting our lives together and he ended up in Iraq instead. A little Deja Vu going on around me. And NO HE IS NOT GOING BACK TO IRAQ! At least not right now. I think about what is in store for him, for us. I have a hard time dealing with not being able to make plans for "our" life together other than a few weeks in advance. Just sitting back and not having any control over where we are heading. Knowing there is so many unanswered questions and so many facets in the direction he could be heading. I wonder where our life will be in the next six months.......next year......next few years...... For now, I have to remind myself constantly to take it one day at a time. I think about the phone calls we have between us. The ones where the conversations are great and he abruptly decides he has to go. They leave me wondering WTF..... I have to remember not to take it personal, but some days it just gets to me and I do. I think about how we never had an argument before his deployment. Now, the smallest issues may set either of us off. Nights like tonight, I think back on some of the things that have came out of both of our mouths and can't believe either of us said them to the other person. Those conversations replay through my head over and over....I can't make them stop. I think about what he is going through now. The stuff I don't talk about, just tip toe around, PTSD. Kbug, you hit the nail on the head with your comment the other day. It will be a long road, but one he will make it through. I think about last weekend, Bubba and I watching 20 Soldiers in the airport coming home from Iraq (it was the most gratifying experience to see a airport burst out in cheers and applause for these men) and remembering where we were July 25th, 2006. Welcoming home Sniper. Watching these families welcome home their loved ones. Thinking about what all they had endured while there loved ones were deployed. Thinking about what the next few months will be like for some of them. Thinking about those who didn't make it home. I have finally succumbed to asking for help. I picked up the phone yesterday and reached out for it. I can't do this anymore on my own. I have too much in my head that just won't stop. I worry about him constantly and I worry about me. My mind is full and my heart is heavy tonight........ dyzgoneby