Trying to understand.....

You ever do something, you never fathomed you could accomplish? Then you end up surpassing your expectations of yourself. That is where I am at tonight. I am so elated and excited that I accomplished this one step. This one step closer to my dream. I have wanted to become a financial broker for so many years and never truly thought it would be anything, but a just a dream. Something I could dream about, wish for, but just out of my reach. I have always put my kids above everything, and that included my dreams and my career. I put them first and my happiness second. I figured, when the kids were older, then, just maybe I could have what I wanted. Then the opportunity arouse earlier this year to actually be able to reach out and touch my dream. I wanted nothing more than to do just that. Sniper and I have discussed this dream of mine and it became "our" dream. "Our" future. It became something I wanted not just for myself, but for my family. For him, for my children, our children. A better future and a better life for all of us. I want a better future for him. I want to give him (and the kids as well) the world. Over the course of the last several months, my dream has consumed me. All the while Sniper was deployed. I started thinking there was no way, I would be able to touch it. His deployment ended up consuming more of my thoughts and my life than what I had anticipated. I couldn't concentrate on anything, but him. His well being. His safety. And now that he is home, I still think and dream about him, about us. Same thoughts still plague me. The only difference is I know he is not in Iraq (for now). I know he is not getting shot at, people our not trying to kill him. He is safe, but it still doesn't change me worrying about him. I still worry about his well being. During all of this, somehow, some way, I still managed to pass my first hurdle towards my dream. "Our" dream. Why am I going on about this? Tonight I sit here and think about how close I am to that dream and the one person I want to share my excitement with and celebrate with is not here. I have talked to him tonight, but it's not the same. Instead I sit here alone, my choice ( kids are with there dad and Sniper is in San Diego). Instead of being overly full of joy, I am full of sadness, loneliness, depressed and can't stop crying. WTF is wrong with me? As usual I am trying to analyze the situation. The only logical explanation I can come up with is, the last 8 months, my life has been consumed with stress, tension, fear and apprehensions. And tonight, that is all gone. Maybe I just needed a stress reliever. I don't know, just trying to make sense of everything. The only thing that makes sense right now is, I wish Sniper was here with me. dyzgoneby