More Issues at Hand

Tonight I still sit and stare at the four walls that surrond me, glass of wine in front of me and music playing through the computer. It's no different than any other night. My mind and heart is still on the man I love with all my heart, Sniper. Not sure which direction I want to write, but here goes more on the issue at hand....... I am thinking about the question Sniper asked me the other night about his career with the Marine Corps and the direction it is heading. I never answered him, but as I ponder this I start to think of something he told me this weekend. He received a call the other day, from some command, that wants him to deploy with them in February. My first reaction was Whiskey Tango Foxtrot or better yet What The Fuck are you thinking? Then I had to rely on all the inner strength I had not to break down and ball like a baby. I was already doing this on the inside, the tears were slipping out and I had to control them. To ever think of him deploying again scares the shit out of me more than I could ever fathom or express in words. This is my worst fear (next to dieing before him and I are married). I think back on all that he has been through with this last deployment. How many close calls he had that he told me about (I know there were far more than he will ever tell me). At the end how things with south with his unit and they did some pretty fucked up things to him. How mentally he came home....I am going to say it....pretty fucked up. How he came home with a shoulder all fucked up, that nothing has been done about. My fear and gut feeling is if he deploys again, it will be the last time I ever see him again. For some fucked up reason I truly believe this. But, on the chance he does come home, I know that man I love will never be the same. He will be far worse mentally than where he is today. My last post I talked about some of the PTSD issues he is dealing with. How much worse can they get? I don't want to know the answer to that question, ever. He is good at what he does when he is deployed. That I know in my heart, but that is not the issue. His fear, I won't be here. I did let him know, I will always stand beside him and support him in everything and anything he chooses to do. So, to actually answer the question he asked me, I don't want him to deploy ever again, but I will support him and still be standing on the otherside of it. There will never be the day, that I am not here for him. No matter how hard a deployment is on us, I will could never live without him. However, I can tell you, he probably won't ever deploy again. His doctor wants to see him medically retire. I would have to agree with this one, but it is not my decision. It is his and his alone. He has to do what is in his heart. My feelings and reasoning behind wanting him to retire now, instead of in 5 years, are pure selfish ones. I want him to enjoy life and his family. He has sacrificed so much, that it is about time he took some time for himself. He has given everything he has and then some to protect this Country. It is time for someone else to carry on. If he does stay in, the only thing I can see him doing until retirement is Recruiting Duty. Either way I will stand beside him and hold him every step of the way. Even if that means we are a world apart. Dyzgoneby Sniper, I will always love you with everything I have.