PTSD thru My Eyes

Over this last weekend, Sniper and I talked about it. We talked about this blog and the direction of (or lack there of) and where I can head. Basically what "I" can talk about when it comes to the major issue I have skated around for the last few months, PTSD. So here goes, I have free rein to speak or write exactly what it is like to go thru PTSD with the man I love, thru my eyes. This will be a long one. I need to get somethings off of my chest and I can't seem to express it any other way, than here. So here goes........... Before Sniper deployed this last tour in Iraq I knew he had some issues with PTSD. Maybe I just didn't realize it or how buried it was, but it was definately there. I knew his temper was short, I just never saw it. The only time I saw some resembalance of any issues was at night. When we were sleeping. More so I slept and he slept some. I remember nights him waking up with a "bad" dream of remembering his tour in Iraq in 04'. I would just cuddle up with him and eventually I would drift back off to sleep. Sometimes he fell back asleep and sometimes not. One night in paticular, I remember being sound asleep, laying on his chest and flying out of bed with him. It took me a few minutes to realize WTF was going on. After I shook the cob webs out of my head, it scared the shit out of me. Not that I was afraid of what he was going to do to me, but what the hell had happened to him. To the man I love, to have night terrors like this. That night, I layed there and rubbed his back. It seemed like forever before he drifted back off to sleep. In reality it was maybe an hour to an hour and a half. The rest of the night I just held him and let the tears fall silently. I maybe slept a hour the rest of the night. Until this last deployment, that was all I saw. Since then, it has been a all new ballgame. One I am not sure how to handle, deal with or WTF to do. Sniper returned home this last July, but the PTSD really kicked in while he was still in Iraq. He would call me, just to have me talk to him. Just to hear my voice. Some of it was him being homesick, but a lot of the times it was to soothe him from the shit he couldn't get out of his head. The shit he still saw when he closed his eyes. He would try to sleep, but sleep just wouldn't come easy or not at all. So, I would talk to him and sometimes he would just fall asleep on the phone. Since returning home, sleeping isn't the only problem, but I will start with that. I have seen him sleep more than a hour time frame on 4 occasions. 4 times in 4 months, maybe sleeping 3-4 hours during those times. The rest of the time he is lucky if he sleeps more than an hour. I have to admit, it is pretty hard to sleep next to someone, next to the one you love, when they can't sleep and are afraid of what comes when they do. That is no way to live...... Why can't he sleep? He is exhausted beyond belief, but when he does sleep the shit keeps coming back. He wakes up choking on the fumes from the IED. I am not talking about a little choking. It as if he is in the midst of a blast and he can't breathe. He can still taste it in his mouth. He relives everything that has transpired through his deployment when he closes his eyes. It just won't go away. I have been sleeping right next to him and have woken-up feeling his body shake. Feeling him jump. One morning I woke up to this, cuddled up with him, only to be thrown across the bed and him reach for his weapon. Thank god it was on myside of the bed. He never truly woke-up on that one, but none the less it scared the piss out of me. I just reassured him it was me laying next to him and he settled right down. All I can do is be there to hold him on nights like this. Pretty fucking helpless? Yep, but there's more. His temper? This is something that is a whole new side of him for me to see. I have looked in his eyes and one minute he is a happy-go-lucky man and the next minute I can see and feel the rage in him. It can be instintanious, anything can set him off. This last weekend, him and I were in the kitchen. He was cutting up some fruit for us to share. He asked me a simple question and when I didn't answer with a yes or no answer (I tend to add way more detail in my answers than need be) he punched the counter. He realized right away what he had done, but the damage was already done. It scared the shit out of me, but I realized immediately, it scared him more than me. It scared him more to have me see a side of him I had never seen. Before I go any further, I will tell you this.....I AM NOT AFRAID, EVER, of Sniper ever hitting me. I know this won't happen. That is not his nature. His patience level is almost non-existent. His demenour has changed. Almost very somber for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I see him laugh and relax, but nothing like before. Driving, yeah, that's lots of fun to watch him flinch and jump at sites on the road. Or, hear backfires, gunfires or whatever the hell else goes off around base. Yep, count that as another one that sucks ass as well. Flashbacks, count that one in too. Smells, can't get away from that as well. All these things bring back memories for him that he tries so hard to forget. He will never be able to forget any of the demons he harbors, but he is getting help. He made me a promise long ago and is making good on his word. I have even went in with him. It will be a long road ahead for him, and I guess you can put me into that as well. Together we will make it through it. See, as a significant other you have your own issues to deal with during a deployment. Learning to cope with all that you have been through on the other side of the world, waiting and hoping to see your loved one come home alive or in one piece. But, it is learning how to deal with one who comes home with major PTSD issues, the invisible scars, that is hard as hell to deal with. You think you are helpless when there gone, think again. Living and loving the one person in the world that is everything to you, watching what they are going through and knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do, but be the ear to listen to, the shoulder to lean on or cry on, or the hand to hold. Now, that is helplessness. I am completely powerless to help and it is just tearing me up inside. I can't fix this for him and it is driving me insane. This last weekend while I was with him (the day I left to come home) he was so exhausted he tried to sleep. I layed next to him and just held on. All I could think about was him and what he had been through and still continues to go through. I cried those silent tears. (You know the ones. The ones that run down your face, but you don't want anyone to see). I couldn't make them stop, including making a huge hole in my cheek. See, I still continue to do what I said I wouldn't do. I hold my feelings inside. I keep them bottled up inside and let them out when I am alone. The feelings I have about what he has been through, what he is going through and even my opinion what I feel about his next move in the Marine Corps. I do this, because he has enough in his head than to deal with all my shit on top of it. Right or wrong, I just do. So here I am telling you all and I am also telling it to Sniper. My feelings....Helplessness, I already covered this one. Defenseless, I couldn't be there to protect him. Sad, that I am so far away to hold him on those long and lonely nights. Depressed, that I will probably never see Sniper truly "home" again. Melancholy, just am. Anger, towards his command and all the Marines that gave him shit while he was in Iraq only to discover Sniper was right on, being the Marine he is. He lived up to his promise. Resentment, for those who ever doubted his leadership skills and have put him through the hell he is going through and making him feel like a piece of shit. Hurt, that he feels he has to defend himself and his actions to asshats. That the mere thought of putting on his uniform has him sick to his stomach and throwing up the closer he gets to base. Pissed, with myself that I would prefer him to just get out of the Marine Corps than to continue to deal with all the bullshit and PC crap that is making the Corps what it is today. Tired, of all the bullshit. Sniper is a damn fine Marine and has everything to be proud of. I know I am proud of everything he stands for. I still wear the deployment bracelet I put on soon after he left. I can't seem to take it off. Why? I wish I knew, but here goes me trying to analyze why.....he still isn't completely home and until he does, I won't take it off. This is just a small glimpse into my world. As time goes on, I will continue to write, but for now, I need to deal with the tears in my eyes and the feelings I am trying to express and let it out. This is my "alone" time for now. Dyzgoneby, Still in Hell and waiting for the return trip home