I am not sure if I will even publish this, but I really need to write........ Tonight I sit here and stare at the four blank walls around me, music playing through the computer (Kenney Chesney is great to do this with), lost in my thoughts. My mind is so far away and the nights are extremely lonely. Yes, I am lonely. I am not looking for anyone else, I just miss the hell out of Sniper and my heart hurts like someone is ripping it out with there bare hands. When he was in Iraq it was in some way easier to deal with (the loneliness that is, nothing else). I knew he was 1,000's of miles away and I would just have to suck it up and deal with it. Since he has been home, it's harder to deal with. I miss having him around the house. I miss the physical contact, I am not talking about the "Adult" kind either. I miss the light touches we give each other. I miss looking into his eyes. I miss his hugs. I miss cuddling up with him. I miss going to bed at night with him and having his arms wrapped around me, holding me. Feeling that sense of security. Feeling like everything is perfect. Last night and today I watched the video he made while he was deployed. You know the one I am talking about. I must have watched it at least 15 times. I couldn't stop crying and tonight the tears still keep coming. I watch it and think of how much he has been through. How much it still is affecting him........and me. I am still feeling helpless and vulnerable. I still have a hard time sleeping at night. The nightmares just won't go away. I still see that damn IED going off in my dreams. Thanks to technology, I can't get it out of my head. Some nights I wake-up with tears still running down my face and my eyes swollen from crying out to him all night. I dream of him never coming home to us, his family. I honestly thought after him being home almost 3 months, life would go back to some normalcy for me. Instead, my temper is a little shorter than I would like. I still find myself becoming depressed, crying, angry, sad, melancholy. All of this is with no reasoning behind it. I still want to drink myself into oblivion and become numb to the world around me, but I don't. I know if I went down that road, I would lose myself and may never make it back. I think about and reflect back on the last year and a half with Sniper. Where we were, what we have been through and the direction we are heading. I think about this time last year, we were hoping for recruiting duty orders, him coming home, starting our lives together and he ended up in Iraq instead. A little Deja Vu going on around me. And NO HE IS NOT GOING BACK TO IRAQ! At least not right now. I think about what is in store for him, for us. I have a hard time dealing with not being able to make plans for "our" life together other than a few weeks in advance. Just sitting back and not having any control over where we are heading. Knowing there is so many unanswered questions and so many facets in the direction he could be heading. I wonder where our life will be in the next six months.......next year......next few years...... For now, I have to remind myself constantly to take it one day at a time. I think about the phone calls we have between us. The ones where the conversations are great and he abruptly decides he has to go. They leave me wondering WTF..... I have to remember not to take it personal, but some days it just gets to me and I do. I think about how we never had an argument before his deployment. Now, the smallest issues may set either of us off. Nights like tonight, I think back on some of the things that have came out of both of our mouths and can't believe either of us said them to the other person. Those conversations replay through my head over and over....I can't make them stop. I think about what he is going through now. The stuff I don't talk about, just tip toe around, PTSD. Kbug, you hit the nail on the head with your comment the other day. It will be a long road, but one he will make it through. I think about last weekend, Bubba and I watching 20 Soldiers in the airport coming home from Iraq (it was the most gratifying experience to see a airport burst out in cheers and applause for these men) and remembering where we were July 25th, 2006. Welcoming home Sniper. Watching these families welcome home their loved ones. Thinking about what all they had endured while there loved ones were deployed. Thinking about what the next few months will be like for some of them. Thinking about those who didn't make it home. I have finally succumbed to asking for help. I picked up the phone yesterday and reached out for it. I can't do this anymore on my own. I have too much in my head that just won't stop. I worry about him constantly and I worry about me. My mind is full and my heart is heavy tonight........ dyzgoneby

Slacker

Thanks to AFSister, I have a new name "Slacker." As many times as I have said it over the last few months, life has been hectic and difficult to find time to blog. That's not the only reason...... There is so much I have to say, but I feel like I can't say or write what is going on in my life or Sniper's. Yes, there are people who read this that know me personally and I didn't think it would hinder what I wanted to write. Yet, it has. (No offense to you). I didn't think it would be difficult to write on here knowing that Sniper reads this, but again, it is. I would love to write about the PTSD issues that are going on around us, but I can't. There is so much I want to say and express about it. However, it's hard to express my feelings, when I can't even express them to other's or even Sniper. I want to talk about it though, I just don't know how or to whom. This was always my outlet to express my daily life with me, him and us....now I just don't know what to do. I guess am just trying to figure out where I fit in the mix. Then you add in I can't and won't express his feelings and dealings he is having with it. I would love to write about his next adventure in the Marine Corps, but I can't. We have some idea what or where he might end up, but the operative word is might. Nothing is ever set in stone and I am learning to have patience. Patience that I never knew I had (I am a very impatient person and a planner. Thanks to the Marine Corps, I can't plan shit). With the issues mentioned above, this plays into this one as well. I would love to write about our adventures we have had over the last few months. I have been down at Camp Pendleton every two weeks and it has been great. We have been spending quiet a bit of time together, but it's still not enough. Is is ever? However, the last couple of paragraphs come into play in this. So where does that leave me???????? That's the 50 Million dollar question. I wish I had an answer for it. Hopefully soon, I can figure it out. I miss writing and I miss everyone here. This has been my outlet and know I just need to figure out how to use it to my advantage. Until then......... Dyzgoneby Food for thought: Gunny told me a while back, the hardest part of a deployment is not while they are deployed, the hard part starts when they come home. I never knew how true those words really are.

Ok, ok, ok, I sooo know I have been MIB (Missing In Blogging) over the last few months. Sorry, life has been more hectic than ever. For those 5 of you that still hanging around, thank you. You probably already have seen it and heard about, but I have to share it here as well. What the hell am I talking about...."The Blogs of War" put together from "Blackfive." This is an absolute must read. I received mine in the mail a couple of days ago and have been trying to read it in my free time (in between work, kids and cleaning the house) and it's been hard to put it down. I am half way through with it and it is incredible eye opener for those who have never lived the life. I am not going to review the book for you. Get your own copy and decide for yourself. You won't be disappointed or regret it! I will say it has me personally reflecting on life and what is means to me. No, I am not crazy. Just hear me out. I may have not actually lived through the fighting, I just sat a world away hoping and praying for the day Sniper comes home safe and sound. I sat at home with a heavy heart wondering if I would ever see him again. I am digressing here...with angels looking out for him he made it home. Unfortunately, now comes an even harder part of a deployment. Adjusting to being home and living with all that he has seen and done. I am still not wanting to express on here too much about his issues. PTSD issues that is. This is something he must manage, deal with and express on his own time. They are not for me to discuss. I will say, I am worried, but he/we are dealing with it. I sit back and listen to him and his brothers talk about some of the missions they have completed. Missions and things they have seen, heard and carried out. I sit and just take it all in. I am usually pretty quiet. Later, when I am alone, I reflect back and contemplate what they have been through. This is when I can let my feelings and emotions out. Between the real life experiences he has shared with me (and it's very little) and now reading some first hand experiences of others, it has me realizing even more now than ever, how lucky he was. It also has me realizing how much honor, courage and commitment he has for our Country. I also see how truly "Freedom isn't always free." It also reminds me of a saying, "For those who protect it, FREEDOM has a taste the protected will NEVER know!" No, I will never know the taste, but I will stand beside, watch and be the hand he holds, the man I love, while he endures the demons he will harbor the rest of his life protecting it. dyzgoneby