More Issues at Hand

Tonight I still sit and stare at the four walls that surrond me, glass of wine in front of me and music playing through the computer. It's no different than any other night. My mind and heart is still on the man I love with all my heart, Sniper. Not sure which direction I want to write, but here goes more on the issue at hand....... I am thinking about the question Sniper asked me the other night about his career with the Marine Corps and the direction it is heading. I never answered him, but as I ponder this I start to think of something he told me this weekend. He received a call the other day, from some command, that wants him to deploy with them in February. My first reaction was Whiskey Tango Foxtrot or better yet What The Fuck are you thinking? Then I had to rely on all the inner strength I had not to break down and ball like a baby. I was already doing this on the inside, the tears were slipping out and I had to control them. To ever think of him deploying again scares the shit out of me more than I could ever fathom or express in words. This is my worst fear (next to dieing before him and I are married). I think back on all that he has been through with this last deployment. How many close calls he had that he told me about (I know there were far more than he will ever tell me). At the end how things with south with his unit and they did some pretty fucked up things to him. How mentally he came home....I am going to say it....pretty fucked up. How he came home with a shoulder all fucked up, that nothing has been done about. My fear and gut feeling is if he deploys again, it will be the last time I ever see him again. For some fucked up reason I truly believe this. But, on the chance he does come home, I know that man I love will never be the same. He will be far worse mentally than where he is today. My last post I talked about some of the PTSD issues he is dealing with. How much worse can they get? I don't want to know the answer to that question, ever. He is good at what he does when he is deployed. That I know in my heart, but that is not the issue. His fear, I won't be here. I did let him know, I will always stand beside him and support him in everything and anything he chooses to do. So, to actually answer the question he asked me, I don't want him to deploy ever again, but I will support him and still be standing on the otherside of it. There will never be the day, that I am not here for him. No matter how hard a deployment is on us, I will could never live without him. However, I can tell you, he probably won't ever deploy again. His doctor wants to see him medically retire. I would have to agree with this one, but it is not my decision. It is his and his alone. He has to do what is in his heart. My feelings and reasoning behind wanting him to retire now, instead of in 5 years, are pure selfish ones. I want him to enjoy life and his family. He has sacrificed so much, that it is about time he took some time for himself. He has given everything he has and then some to protect this Country. It is time for someone else to carry on. If he does stay in, the only thing I can see him doing until retirement is Recruiting Duty. Either way I will stand beside him and hold him every step of the way. Even if that means we are a world apart. Dyzgoneby Sniper, I will always love you with everything I have.

PTSD thru My Eyes

Over this last weekend, Sniper and I talked about it. We talked about this blog and the direction of (or lack there of) and where I can head. Basically what "I" can talk about when it comes to the major issue I have skated around for the last few months, PTSD. So here goes, I have free rein to speak or write exactly what it is like to go thru PTSD with the man I love, thru my eyes. This will be a long one. I need to get somethings off of my chest and I can't seem to express it any other way, than here. So here goes........... Before Sniper deployed this last tour in Iraq I knew he had some issues with PTSD. Maybe I just didn't realize it or how buried it was, but it was definately there. I knew his temper was short, I just never saw it. The only time I saw some resembalance of any issues was at night. When we were sleeping. More so I slept and he slept some. I remember nights him waking up with a "bad" dream of remembering his tour in Iraq in 04'. I would just cuddle up with him and eventually I would drift back off to sleep. Sometimes he fell back asleep and sometimes not. One night in paticular, I remember being sound asleep, laying on his chest and flying out of bed with him. It took me a few minutes to realize WTF was going on. After I shook the cob webs out of my head, it scared the shit out of me. Not that I was afraid of what he was going to do to me, but what the hell had happened to him. To the man I love, to have night terrors like this. That night, I layed there and rubbed his back. It seemed like forever before he drifted back off to sleep. In reality it was maybe an hour to an hour and a half. The rest of the night I just held him and let the tears fall silently. I maybe slept a hour the rest of the night. Until this last deployment, that was all I saw. Since then, it has been a all new ballgame. One I am not sure how to handle, deal with or WTF to do. Sniper returned home this last July, but the PTSD really kicked in while he was still in Iraq. He would call me, just to have me talk to him. Just to hear my voice. Some of it was him being homesick, but a lot of the times it was to soothe him from the shit he couldn't get out of his head. The shit he still saw when he closed his eyes. He would try to sleep, but sleep just wouldn't come easy or not at all. So, I would talk to him and sometimes he would just fall asleep on the phone. Since returning home, sleeping isn't the only problem, but I will start with that. I have seen him sleep more than a hour time frame on 4 occasions. 4 times in 4 months, maybe sleeping 3-4 hours during those times. The rest of the time he is lucky if he sleeps more than an hour. I have to admit, it is pretty hard to sleep next to someone, next to the one you love, when they can't sleep and are afraid of what comes when they do. That is no way to live...... Why can't he sleep? He is exhausted beyond belief, but when he does sleep the shit keeps coming back. He wakes up choking on the fumes from the IED. I am not talking about a little choking. It as if he is in the midst of a blast and he can't breathe. He can still taste it in his mouth. He relives everything that has transpired through his deployment when he closes his eyes. It just won't go away. I have been sleeping right next to him and have woken-up feeling his body shake. Feeling him jump. One morning I woke up to this, cuddled up with him, only to be thrown across the bed and him reach for his weapon. Thank god it was on myside of the bed. He never truly woke-up on that one, but none the less it scared the piss out of me. I just reassured him it was me laying next to him and he settled right down. All I can do is be there to hold him on nights like this. Pretty fucking helpless? Yep, but there's more. His temper? This is something that is a whole new side of him for me to see. I have looked in his eyes and one minute he is a happy-go-lucky man and the next minute I can see and feel the rage in him. It can be instintanious, anything can set him off. This last weekend, him and I were in the kitchen. He was cutting up some fruit for us to share. He asked me a simple question and when I didn't answer with a yes or no answer (I tend to add way more detail in my answers than need be) he punched the counter. He realized right away what he had done, but the damage was already done. It scared the shit out of me, but I realized immediately, it scared him more than me. It scared him more to have me see a side of him I had never seen. Before I go any further, I will tell you this.....I AM NOT AFRAID, EVER, of Sniper ever hitting me. I know this won't happen. That is not his nature. His patience level is almost non-existent. His demenour has changed. Almost very somber for the most part. Don't get me wrong, I see him laugh and relax, but nothing like before. Driving, yeah, that's lots of fun to watch him flinch and jump at sites on the road. Or, hear backfires, gunfires or whatever the hell else goes off around base. Yep, count that as another one that sucks ass as well. Flashbacks, count that one in too. Smells, can't get away from that as well. All these things bring back memories for him that he tries so hard to forget. He will never be able to forget any of the demons he harbors, but he is getting help. He made me a promise long ago and is making good on his word. I have even went in with him. It will be a long road ahead for him, and I guess you can put me into that as well. Together we will make it through it. See, as a significant other you have your own issues to deal with during a deployment. Learning to cope with all that you have been through on the other side of the world, waiting and hoping to see your loved one come home alive or in one piece. But, it is learning how to deal with one who comes home with major PTSD issues, the invisible scars, that is hard as hell to deal with. You think you are helpless when there gone, think again. Living and loving the one person in the world that is everything to you, watching what they are going through and knowing there isn't a damn thing you can do, but be the ear to listen to, the shoulder to lean on or cry on, or the hand to hold. Now, that is helplessness. I am completely powerless to help and it is just tearing me up inside. I can't fix this for him and it is driving me insane. This last weekend while I was with him (the day I left to come home) he was so exhausted he tried to sleep. I layed next to him and just held on. All I could think about was him and what he had been through and still continues to go through. I cried those silent tears. (You know the ones. The ones that run down your face, but you don't want anyone to see). I couldn't make them stop, including making a huge hole in my cheek. See, I still continue to do what I said I wouldn't do. I hold my feelings inside. I keep them bottled up inside and let them out when I am alone. The feelings I have about what he has been through, what he is going through and even my opinion what I feel about his next move in the Marine Corps. I do this, because he has enough in his head than to deal with all my shit on top of it. Right or wrong, I just do. So here I am telling you all and I am also telling it to Sniper. My feelings....Helplessness, I already covered this one. Defenseless, I couldn't be there to protect him. Sad, that I am so far away to hold him on those long and lonely nights. Depressed, that I will probably never see Sniper truly "home" again. Melancholy, just am. Anger, towards his command and all the Marines that gave him shit while he was in Iraq only to discover Sniper was right on, being the Marine he is. He lived up to his promise. Resentment, for those who ever doubted his leadership skills and have put him through the hell he is going through and making him feel like a piece of shit. Hurt, that he feels he has to defend himself and his actions to asshats. That the mere thought of putting on his uniform has him sick to his stomach and throwing up the closer he gets to base. Pissed, with myself that I would prefer him to just get out of the Marine Corps than to continue to deal with all the bullshit and PC crap that is making the Corps what it is today. Tired, of all the bullshit. Sniper is a damn fine Marine and has everything to be proud of. I know I am proud of everything he stands for. I still wear the deployment bracelet I put on soon after he left. I can't seem to take it off. Why? I wish I knew, but here goes me trying to analyze why.....he still isn't completely home and until he does, I won't take it off. This is just a small glimpse into my world. As time goes on, I will continue to write, but for now, I need to deal with the tears in my eyes and the feelings I am trying to express and let it out. This is my "alone" time for now. Dyzgoneby, Still in Hell and waiting for the return trip home

Our Latest Trip

Well I have been home a few days now from my latest trip down south.....nothing new there except we spent a few of those days in VEGAS. This was the trip we had been planning since Sniper was in Iraq. We had wanted to spend the Marine Corps Birthday together this year. We weren't able to go to his ball because some Jack Asses don't realize, most normal people, me, have to work during the week, but that's ok, we made up for it in Vegas. We had a wonderful time. I can't tell much because ya'll know what "Happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," but I can tell a few of the details. We enjoyed some much needed "us" time with him dressed up most of the weekend in his Blues and me in a different dress every night. Boy does that man look yummy. Good enough to eat, oh wait a minute, I did get to.....oh can't tell ya! The first evening (Friday) with both of us dressed to the nines, we ate dinner at the Bellagio's Sensi Restuarant. That place was really good, small portions, but very filling. Afterwards we meet up with a few Marine Moms that were in town for the Birthday weekend to "Hug" all those Marines at there Balls. I have been coresponding to some of these women for months now via Marineparents.com. It was nice to finally put a face to those that helped support me when Sniper was in Iraq to now. Sniper received lots of hugs from them. Saturday, we spent the whole night between bars, clubs and casinos. We ended up meeting some Marines that were there for there Ball and shared a few drinks with them. Sunday, we stayed in bed the whole day and slept. We only got up to have room service deliver us something to eat, then right back to bed. We didn't end up leaving the room until almost 2000. When we finally left, we went to see a show, La Femme. It was spectacular. From there, it was a few more clubs. Monday, we came back from being out all night, just in time to pack up, check-out and leave for home. Overall, the weekend went well. We both enjoyed our time with each other. Monday night at home, we meet up with a few of his Marines that were with him in Iraq. Some of them, I had talk to several times, just never meet them personally. We all enjoyed the evening just sitting around BSing. I am now back home and look forward to our next weekend together. I am not going to whine about not having him here with me because we all know nothing is going to change overnight and we still have a few more months of dealing with the distance between us. I will say this, it still SUCKS ASS. It does look like I will be back down there the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, he won't be able to make it home for the Holiday and I have to work the day after. I promised him last year, it would be the last year he would have to spend a Holdiay without his family. Well as we all know, life gets in the way and somethings we just can't change. On a side note, I was very humbled from all the support, gratitude and appreciation towards Sniper for what he is and does for our Country while we were in Vegas. We only paid for a few drinks, had a meal bought for us and never payed to get into any of the clubs. As a civilian, I don't think most American's truly know how to show there appreciation or thanks and it was a very humbling, but a gratifing expierence to be able to witness it first hand. It really moved me. Maybe someday, I will be back to blogging regularly. I am still sorta studying and am scheduled to take my next exam (Series 66) on the 28th of November if I don't reschedule it again. Then again, if I do that I KNOW Sniper will kick my ass. Here are a few pics from our trip. There isn't much. Sorry, but I can't show them all, they are just for Sniper's and my eyes. Dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart, body and soul. Soon we will be living as one and the distance no more than a few feet from each other, not miles.

The Pics you have been waiting for.....

A Fairy Tale Coming True

Sit back and grab a drink, this one is going to be a long one. I am going to take you on a journey from this last week and up to last night. It's a fairy tale coming true. Last weekend while I was down at Camp Pendleton with Sniper, he booked a flight to come up this week on Wednesday. He had a mission for me.....Set-up a dinner for our families for Saturday night (last night) for 20 people. Roger that. He flew in on Wednesday night and I picked him up from the airport. We picked up Drama Queen and then picked up Bubba and headed home, our home. We (the four of us) spent the remainder of the evening enjoying some family time (a few of the kids were MIA though). Sniper spent Thursday with Drama Queen while I was at work. I will tell you more in another post, later about this. Thursday night we stopped by my father's house for a little while. (I started to get the feeling something was up). Then we went out to dinner and then home. Friday he took me to work and he spent the day again with Bubba and Drama Queen. Friday evening, Lego Man, Drama Queen & I spent the evening together, while Bubba and Sniper visted his parent's. Later that night him and Bubba came home to us. Saturday morning, I knew something was up. We had to pick-up Wingman at the airport at 1200. WTF is going on........hmmmmmmm. All day Sniper was extremely nervous. Saturday evening we got ready to go out to dinner and had to be there by 1800. We arrive at the restaurant and Sniper was very nervous. I had knots in my stomach. I had a feeling I knew what was coming. Both of our families, three out of six of our children (I wished his children in Washington could have been there with us as well. I do know he talked to them before hand) and some friends, together we sat down at the table at 1830. Sniper stood up and started to talk....... "Thank you all for being here to share in this event with Dyz and I. I would like to take the next few moments to share with you what family means to me. Family is not an instution, but a foundation in which we judge many things in our lives. Many people use their family as a scale to qualify or quantify happiness, success, closeness, traditions, and realtionships. Family is a constant which bonds us together without question and regardless of the situation. The bond found in a family is unique in that you are born in to it. You as a person do not choose it, nor does it choose you. The only two choices that you have when it comes to family are: to chose to marry and to chose to have children. To marry is a choice made by two individuals to merge together in order to start a new family. Not leaving their own famliy, but starting their own branch on each other's family tree. Family is love, true love, in it's simplest form. It is not complicated nor mysterious. It is just true and pure love. There is no "why" or "how come" in family. And it can be counted on forever and for always. Family can be compaired to a string. At first glance it appears so simple and is often over looked for its significance, like a family. Like family, string is found everwhere. It holds together our clothes, like our families hold us together as a group. It is used to make rugs and carpets that travel on daily, like our famlies guide our lifes paths. It is used to cover our windows, like families hold our darkest secrets. It even mends our wounds, like families comfort us. Like string, family is started with a core (him and her) and with each added layer (children and other family members) the family grows stronger, just like string does. (put's string on my finger) Like this string, our lives and families will be intertwined together if only you accept this token of my love and devotion to you and our families. Dyz, will you marry me and be my partner for the rest of my life?" "Yes" During this whole time, this very busy, loud restuarnt became very quiet. All you could hear was the music playing in the background. Sniper didn't just speak to our families, he spoke to the whole restaurant. Bubba had some friends (including one of his best friends) there for there homecoming last night and made sure he let them all know. They sat right behind us and cheered just as loud our families. After I said "Yes," the whole restuarant broke out in applause. WOW!!!!! We had several people who didn't even know us, congratulate this very happy couple. There was lots of tears shed last night, before, during and after from the both of us. Tears of joy, pure happiness and love, true love. And yes, he is man enough to admit, he cried. It started after he said, "Thank you." Sniper had to put down the 3x5 cards he made with what he wanted to say. He couldn't see the writing on them. I was very suprised it happened this soon. We have talked for a long time of getting married, and knew in our hearts we are already married, we have even referred to the other as "my fiance" or "my wife" or "my husband, " but now it is official. We are engaged. Sniper and I have saved the cards and the string for our scrapbook. Sniper also saved all the rough drafts for me as well. That man knows me all too well. Later on last night him and Wingman told me the story of this last week and all the "planning" that went in to this. Sniper practiced on everyone, including drama queen, bubba and wingman. He didn't want the Ring to fall off of the string. See, the Ring slid down the string onto my finger. That man, my man, has always been a over the top romantic. He always amazes me and he did it again last night. Oh yah, he went to both my father and dad and asked them both for my hand in marriage. Oh my, I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a wonderful, caring, compassionate man like Sniper. Sniper, I love you with all my heart. I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives having a happy, fufilling, adventurous life together with you, all of our children and our family. I promise you I will be a great wife to you. My love will never falter. I will give you and our family the world through my love. I will post pics soon. Blogger, as usually, isn't playing nice. Dyzgoneby, soon to be Mrs. Sniper I will let you all in on the date as we decide together. We do have something in mind, but waiting to see how things play out soon. And NO, we are not getting married in Vegas this next week (Thursday we leave for our Vegas trip). Family is too important to the both of us and all of our children and our families will be there together. Each and every last one of them.