Christmas Reflection

The last few weeks I have just wanted to hide from life. I couldn't seem to look past the things in my life that had gone wrong and continuing. I have a had so many changes in my life this last 6 months that I have been on one big roller coaster. Lots of wonderful events have happened, but I haven't been able to get past the bad. I am truly believe someone is looking out for me. I have been stressed that this Christmas I would not be able to provide a great Christmas for my kids and pay all my bills. Somehow, someway, they had a better year then they have had in a long time. They were so spoiled and I was able to make sure they had just about everything they wanted. I know it's not about the monetary "things" we can provide, but providing a loving home. I have that. They have that. I just wanted more for once. They have had to give up so much the last few years because of Jackass and his bitch of a daughter. And yes she was the most spoiled little shit I had ever met. Drama Queen had to compare to what she had or didn't have and what this little shit had. And everytime I spent money, my money at that, on the kids (which was very few times) he would yell at me for spending money frivolously. I never spent money on anything unless it was necessary. I hadn't even bought myself clothes in years. As I was looking around my house last night with the kids, they both told me how happy they are in our house. They love there home, there rooms and yes there gifts. They are truly happy. Sniper was finally able to met my father Christmas morning. My father stopped by as Sniper was leaving (0700). They talked for a few minutes before they both left. Sniper was talking to my father about us getting married. Later on, in the morning, I was talking to my father and he asked me if we were getting married this next month. I let him know it won't be until after he comes back from this deployment, my father was actually disappointed. Now that in itself is strange. My father has never been one to see anything I do as a smart move. In his eyes, I can never seem to pick the right one for me. I knew who the one for me is, I just couldn't get my head out of my ass to do something about it. I will give him that point. I have always been the black sheep in the family that can never seem to get anything right. That's untrue. I am the only one who has my life put together and never been in jail. I am the only one who cherishes my children and puts them before anything and everyone else. I am the only one who has made so many sacrifices for my kids. Most people would have given up......getting off track. It was a awesome feeling to have Sniper tell my dad, we would be getting married and how much he loves me. It was wonderful for my father to accept this and actually be happy at one of my decisions. Another memory in time to hold onto. On to reflections....everytime, over the last few weeks, I start to hide in a shell and think the worst, something positive pops up. I will leave you with this: "You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now." dyzgoneby

My Best Christmas Present

SNIPER!!!! I was able to wrap my arms around him and hold on tight..... This is my all time best Christmas ever and it has just begun. Sniper finally showed up at 0445. He had a 6 hour drive and we talked almost the whole entire time on the phone. Then he surprised me and showed up at my door. I didn't know how close he was to the house. Santa has been very nice to me. I was able to spend a few hours this early Christmas morning with the most wonderful man in the world. I will cherish this moment in time. On those lonely days and nights coming up, I well remember this memory and hold tight to it. I will have many more to look forward to in the coming years. I haven't slept in over 25 hours. I am hoping I don't fall asleep this morning while I am trying to open presents with the kids and cook dinner. BUT, it was well worth every minute of no sleep. My parents will be here soon and we get to put together a Foose Ball Table for the kids. I am just hoping we get it put together (probably not) before I pick them up. We have an hour. To my sweetheart: Merry Christmas. You are the most wonderful man in my life. I love you with all my heart, body, mind and soul. I will remain true to you always and forever. I can't wait to look into your eyes when you step back onto US soil and tell you I am still here and have never left your side. It will happen! To Everyone Else: Was Santa good to you? dyzgoneby

Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish everyone a "Merry Christmas." In the last few hours, I have received the best Christmas Present I could have ever asked for. Sniper is on his way home! YEAH!!!! He wasn't supposed to be here until Monday or Tuesday. He just called to say he is on his way up. He wants to be with his family (me included). He is stopping by for the night and then on to surprise his parents and son. I was planning on spending this Christmas Eve completely alone. Kinda my choice. I was going to clean house, clean my carpets (remember last weekend Lego Man had the flu), play Santa, drink a few glasses of wine and a bubble bath. A very quiet relaxing evening before the chaos takes over tomorrow. I came home and my neighbors invited me down for a few drinks. I stopped and thought about my options. A relaxing night with my neighbors and a few drinks or my house. Hmmmm....tough decision. The neighbors won. I went down and had a few. We ended up having a very heated discussion on the reason we are in Iraq. As soon as R asked me why I thought we went to war with Iraq, I knew the direction it was going to head and point blank told her and J, "We are going to agree to disagree." Well that we did. R and J married to each other (and on complete opposites sides of this) had a great discussion on there own and didn't need to much input from me, but I had to let them know exactly where I stood and it was really fun. R kept telling me how would I feel if it was my son leaving and never to return, as a mom. Well, as a significant other, I stand behind him and support "our" troops 150%. This is what he choose to do and I choose this life with him. If something should happen to him, he made the ultimate sacrifice for "our" Country and I am very proud of him. End of discussion. After this, I couldn't get in a word edge wise. Then we went on to discuss (argue) over Gay Marriages. It was definitely a different way to spend the evening, let alone Christmas Evening. When I left, I promised (they made me) I would come back for some good old discussions this week and then I stumbled home. I have had a few too many. I should have waited, especially since I probably won't sleep much tonight. Now, I need to stumble into the shower and clean up for my honey. He will be here soon. What a wonderful way to spend the evening...lying next to the man I love. When everything looks so blah, something positive always comes along. Merry Christmas dyzgoneby

Christmas Cheer

I have been down and over at Righty in a lefty state brought some great laughter to me. Thank you! I really need it. A Christmas Rant for those of you are tired of hearing "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" from the PC crowd. If you are at work, please be warned, it has a Parental Advisory to it due to the language....but most worth it. Just make sure you turn down your head phones. Two Babes and a Brain has a cute cartoon. dyzgoneby

Count Down

2 Days until Christmas and I just want it to go away. I am excited for my kids, but the count done is coming closer. Sniper will be home the day after Christmas and will be leaving around the 4th of January. I am excited to see him, but I won't be able to see him very much. He needs to spend time with his family (parents, sister and son here) and a few days out of town to see his other two sons (in another state). His leave has been cut short and he's coming home earlier then expected. I have to work all next week and I can't take anytime off until the 1st of January. I have the following week off. My emotions are running away from me. Excitement to see him, lonely with him leaving. I just want to crawl under a rock and make it all go away. I'm having my own pity party.... dyzgone

Kids Fears Continuing

On Sunday, while Drama Queen and I were making cookies and cooking dinner, I had the radio playing. She wanted to listen to Toby Keith. My kids never listened to Country Music until the last few months. Lego Man loves Rap. It gives me a headache. I know I am getting old when stuff I used to listen to drives me insane. Drama Queen loves Hip Hop. I think I finally converted Drama Queen into listening to Country. She now sings with the radio. Back to Toby Keith...Drama Queen wanted to listen to "American Soldier." She loves hearing it and watching the video. I on the other hand did not want to listen to it. I always get teary eyed. I turned it on and continued making dinner. I turn around and she is sitting there crying. Damn!!!! I asked her what was wrong. She proceed to tell me she doesn't want Sniper to die if he goes back to Iraq. She says if because she still doesn't know he is going for sure. I kept trying to reassure her everything will be all right. I ask her if she knows why he is going. She tells me, to protect our freedom. I let her know it is men and women like him, that not only protect our freedom, but are working to give the Iraqis freedom. How very lucky we are to have the freedom in the USA most people don't have. We take so much for granted and should be very grateful for what we have. I let her know if something should happen to him, he will always watch over us. "But mommy what will happen to you?" By now I have tears streaming down my face (damn emotions). I made a promise to him and I am making a promise to you, I will go on. Life still goes on. We will be sad for awhile, but we will never forget. After she went to bed, I layed in my room and cried. I am supposed to be strong for my children and for Sniper. I don't want to let anyone see this strong woman crumble. I gave myself a little while, then pulled up my big girl panties, sucked it up and went on. To my sweetheart: I love you with all my heart, body and soul. I will remain strong and steadfast until you return to my side. dyzgoneby

Cookie Update

I finally finished making all the cookies with Drama Queen. Last night the kiddies and I decorated them. What a mess. I had frosting and food coloring all over everywhere. Drama Queen finally got it, food coloring stains. Duh!!! She thinks she knows it all. What kid doesn't? This morning I dropped off the cookies for the Marines at the Recruiting Office. They were very happy. I wished them all a Merry Christmas and thanked each of them for their service. I also made sure they knew the cookies came from my kids. Both of the kids really wanted to go, but they have school until tomorrow. Tonight I am planning on dragging the kids and I out to finish my last minute shopping. I only have 3 gifts to go. YEAH! Sniper's Christmas gift won't be here for awhile. I ordered him some Under Amour Cold Gear Crew Shirts and it is on back order. I just hope it gets here before he deploys. I also need to pick up a Birthday gift for him. His birthday is on the 2nd of January. dyzgoneby

Looking for Ways to Support our Troops

I ran across a great piece of information at An Army Wife's Life on Ways to Support our Troops. Scroll down until you see "Ways to Support Our Troops." Lots of good stuff. Thanks An Army Wife's Life. Her husband has just deployed back to the Sandbox. dyzgoneby

A U.S. Marine Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone I had come down the chimney with presents to give And to see whom in this house did live As I looked all around, a strange sight I did see No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree No stockings by the fire, just boots full of sand On the wall hung a picture of a far away land With medals and badges, awards of all kinds A sobering thought soon came to my mind For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen This was the home of a U.S. Marine I heard stories about them so I had to see more I walked down the hallway and pushed open the door And there he lay sleeping- Silent. Alone. Curled up on the floor of his one bedroom home He seemed so gentle, his face so serene Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine Was this the hero of whom I'd just read? Curled up on his poncho, a floor for his bed? His head was clean shaven, his face weathered tan I soon understood this was more than a man. For I realized the families that I saw tonight Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight Soon around the nation the children would play And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas day They enjoyed freedom each day and all year Because of Marines like the one lying here I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye I dropped to my knees and I started to cry He must have awoken for I heard a rough voice "Santa don't cry. This life is my choice. I fight for freedom, I don't ask more. My life is my God, my country, my Corps." With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. I watched him for hours. So silent and still noticed he shivered from the cold nights chill So, I took off my jacket, the one made of red To cover this Marine from his toes to his head Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold With the eagle, globe, and anchor emblazoned so bold Although it barely fit me. I began to swell with pride For one shining moment I was Marine Corps deep inside I didn't want to leave him, so quite in the night This guardian of honor so willing to fight But half asleep he rolled over and in a voice clean and pure Said, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure!" One look at my watch and I knew he was right Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi, and good night ~Author Unknown

Christmas Cookies

I am definitely not Betty Crocker or June Cleaver. I spent most of the day baking cookies with my daughter. She and I made a huge mess in the kitchen. How hard is it to make Chocolate Chip Cookies from Scratch. You follow the directions on the package and your cookies turn out perfect. Wrong. These are what mine turned out like. So then I decide to use some of the dough to make bar cookies. Drama Queen tried telling me I filled the pan to full. Ok, your 9 and I am.....older. I know how to make cookies. Wrong. She runs upstairs to come get me. It seems my cookies were spilling out all over the oven. Boy did my house stink. From now on I will bake the premade cookies out of the package. We both had a great afternoon. The chocolate chip cookies turned out very flat, but the sugar cookies turned out great. I haven't tried any of them yet, but the kids love them. All this baking and I have no appetite for any. I couldn't keep my paws out of the dough and now I can't stand the sight of them. I just hope the Marines at the Recruiting Office don't think I was trying to make them sick. I am going to have to keep practicing on making "Home Made" Cookies for when Sniper leaves. I want to been able to send him and his Marines lots of goodies. Note to self....keep practicing on baking. Lego Man is doing well today. Back to his feisty self. Yeah! No one else has come down with the flu yet. Still keeping my fingers crossed. dyzgoneby

Sick Kid

At 0200 this morning, Lego Man woke me up to tell me his tummy didn't feel good. He thought he might have been hungry. Then he said he thinks he's going to throw up. I let him lay in bed with me, hoping it would go away. Big mistake. He leaned over the side of my bed and threw up all over everywhere and proceeded to stay there while still vomiting. Great. I brought him in the bathroom and he stayed their while I started to clean up the mess. Then I got sick from it. I usually have a strong stomach, but not this time. He wanted to take a shower and get cleaned up. After he got out I put him back to bed and continued to clean up the mess. Clean sheets and blankets put back on my bed. Started laundry, then cleaned the bathroom real quick. I finally went back to bed around 0330 and fell asleep around 0400. 0500, "Mom I'm getting sick again." Great. Go into his room and he is leaning over his bed vomiting. Completely missing the bucket. Lego Man is lazy and didn't want to go into the bathroom. I helped him in to the bathroom and clean up his room. Then I put him back to bed. He starts playing video games. He wanted to know if it was time to get up. Hell No! Again, I clean the bathroom and start another load of laundry. Back to bed at 0600. 0700, mom I'm sick again. This time we both stayed up. I gave up! He has been in my bed ever since. He seems to bounce back after he gets sick for a little while. Then it starts all over again. This is how are whole day has been. Luckily for him, it has been a three hours without him throwing up. Just an upset stomach. Then again the poor guy hasn't eaten anything since last night. When he's sick he refuses to eat. Great. I have kept him hydrated with Gatorade, just nothing of any substance. The worst part of him being sick is he hasn't been able to keep his meds down and has been bouncing off the walls. The type of medicine he takes you can't stop cold turkey, so, we have had to try giving them to him. I am hoping he can keep them down tonight. It will help him sleep. Now my stomach is starting to feel it. I just hope it's the lack of sleep and nothing else. I was hoping to get the last of the Christmas shopping done today (only 3 presents left to go) and bake cookies with the kiddies tomorrow. New plan....bake cookies on Sunday. I want to bring cookies to the Marines at the Recruiting office on Monday. Monday finish Christmas shopping. Keeping my fingers crossed no one else gets the flu. dyzgoneby

Children's Fears

I am already wishing it was a year and a half into the future and Sniper is home. Sniper hasn't told his family or sons he is leaving again. He doesn't want to ruin anyone's Christmas. Everyone is assuming he is getting recruiting orders. I have had a hard time keeping myself together and not letting on that something is up. I also am working on a miniature scrapbook for Christmas for him to take and have been asking his family for help with pictures. I am just hoping no one finds out I knew before them. I haven't told my kids and they don't understand why mom has been a little moody lately. I am not sure of how to tell my kids. My son has been having nightmares and shutting down with the possibility of Sniper going to Iraq, before we knew for sure. My son is Bi-Polar and is being assessed for Aspergers (a form of Autism). A few weeks back his school had a assembly with the National Guard and Air Force coming in to talk to them. My son completely shut down and cried uncontrollably for hours. He curled up in a ball with his jacket over his head, in the back of the classroom and wouldn't talk to anyone. I had to pick him up from school. We called Sniper and got him calmed down. Lego Man is afraid he won't be coming back. He knows Sniper was hurt pretty bad in OIF II. We keep trying to reassure him that it will be okay. He told him, they can't kill him, they've already tried and he came back. He has 9 lives but, if something happens to him, he died doing this for us and his country. He died protecting our freedom and he sent his Marines home safe. Telling my 11 year old son is going to be hard, he still thinks he isn't going anywhere. I am just so unsure of how to handle his fears, along with my daughter, not including my own. I am going to keep reassuring them it will be okay. dyzgoneby

Deployment Advice

I found this over at Some Soldier's Mom. It is full of great advice for any family member with a loved one deployed or getting ready to deploy. I know I will be putting it to use. Thank you Some Soldier's Mom. dyzgoneby

Fate

Do you ever believe in fate? Do you believe things happen for a reason? That someone is always looking out for you from somewhere else? I am really trying to decipher what I believe in. I am not a religious person, but... Sniper came into my life in the beginning of this last summer. I was in a horrible relationship. My ex-boyfriend (Jackass) and I lived together for 3 years. Right after we moved in together Jackass' business went under. I was supporting him and his daughter, along with myself and my 2 kids. I didn't make enough to survive with all of us. He had no motivation and didn't pursue looking for a job. I was even helping to pay his ex-wife child support (the women made over a 6 figure income) I have a huge heart and didn't want to put him and his daughter out on the streets. Not considering he was very depressed and I was afraid he would kill himself. After 2 years he finally started working as a janitor. I didn't give a f*ck what he did, he needed to help out financially. I sucked it up and dealt with all of his bullshit for 3 very long years. My kids couldn't stand him. I didn't love him, I just tolerated him. We were mere roommates, and I was trying to figure out a way to move out. When Sniper walked back into my life, I knew something had to change. I loved this man (Sniper) with all my heart and had for years. Timing was just never right. I finally decided to move out and into a place of my own, close by my ex-husband (Jedi) and close by Sniper's family. The kids spent the weekend with one of us and during the week Jedi had our son and I had our daughter. We now completely share custody. He has them one week and I have them the next. He works nights and I work days, so he takes them back and forth to school and I pick them up after work. No daycare. Just family. We both now see the kids everyday. And it's great when the other one needs a babysitter. I was still working out by my old house (a 1 1/2 hour to 2 hour drive away). After a few months of dealing with the long commute and not picking up the kids and getting home at 6:45pm, I transferred offices, 10 minutes away from both of us. Besides the potential to make more money at the office was great. Well, a week and a half ago, my boss left. The reason I took the office was not only my boss (Gunny) and I got along great, he retired from the Marine Corps 2 years ago (21 years of active service). We had a lot in common. I knew he would completely understand everything I was going through being with a Marine (deployments, moves, needing time off at the last minute, etc). Well shit! When he left and the news of Sniper leaving I was devastated. No one will understand or be supportive of what my next year and half is going to be like like Gunny. Gunny called me today. His new business wants him to bring me on. They will double my salary and pay to get my licenses. Yes, I will have to be licensed. I work for a brokerage firm and currently don't need to have my licenses. If I decide to actively pursue this ( I would be a fool not to), it will coincide when Sniper leaves. I will have to study a for a few months for the tests (and they are extremely hard to pass). Back to fate...... If I hadn't talked to Sniper, I would still be living in a shitty environment. If I hadn't talked to Sniper, I wouldn't have this time with my son (and Jedi with our daughter. I now have my son all the time, Jedi has our daughter (we share). My kids are very happy. If I hadn't talked to Sniper, I would still be in a different office without the potential for a wonderful job, with a great potential to make enough money to buy a home on my own if I want to (California is very expensive and hard to own a home with one income, but I would be able to with no problem). If I hadn't talked to Sniper, I would still be wondering what my life would be like with him. I now don't have to worry, I know what it is like. I have a wonderful full life to spend with the man I have loved for the last 15 years. This road I am traveling towards, with the job, I would be studying like crazy the first couple of months Sniper leaves. This would keep me busy where I wouldn't have time to dwell on the months ahead. So is this fate? or something else? I don't know what to believe. But, I do know whomever is looking our for me, I am very thankful and appreciative. Just when you think everything is turning to shit, something better comes along. dyzgoneby

Love Poems and My Feelings For You!

If I could have just one wish, I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my cheek, the touch of your fingers on my skin, and the feel of your heart beating with mine... Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you. _______________________________________ Will you ever? I don't think you will ever fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who I am. I don't think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star. I don't think you will ever fully comprehend how you've made my dreams come true or how you've opened my heart to love and the wonders it can do. You've allowed me to experience something very hard to find unconditional love that exists in my body, soul, and mind. I don't think you could ever feel all the love I have to give and I'm sure you'll never realize you've been my will to live. You are an amazing person and without you I don't know where I'd be. Having you in my life completes and fulfills every part of me. _______________________________________ I guess you can tell what kind of mood I'm in today. I am going through being depressed, angry, sad. All of so many emotions. I have been reliving all the memories we have made in the past and looking forward to those in the future. I am trying to hold onto so much for how I am feeling for my Sniper. I love him with all my heart, body and soul. The next 30 to 45 days will be tough. I know this is perfectly normal to have emotions change so rapidly before a deployment. I am trying so hard not to think about the long months lying ahead. Please keep my Marine safe, along with his brothers and sisters!!! dyzgoneby

You always surprise me

After almost 15 years of loving my man, a day never goes by without him suprising me of how much he loves me and is such a romantic, gentle, caring, kind, loving man. When he joined the Corps (14 years ago) and was in boot I gave him a card. In that card I wrote how much I love the man he is and will become. All my intermost feelings for him and what he means to me. He was going through his gear and boxes to get ready for deployment and still had that card I gave him. He read it to me and it brought tears to my eyes. My feelings are still the same and have only grown stronger. We haven't been together in many years until recently. We rekindled our relationship this past summer. We always knew we were soulmates and would one day be together again for life. Well, life surprised me (I believe in fate) and we are now one again. Through all our life experiences, travels and relationships I can't believe he still has that card, along with pictures of years past. I know in my heart how much that man is truly in love with me. It's always that little things he does or says that amaze me. dyzgoneby

My True Love Hath My Heart

My true-love hath my heart and I have his, By just exchange one for the other given; I hold his dear and mine he cannot miss; There never was a better bargain driven. My true-love hath my heart and I have his, His heart in me keeps him and me in one; My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides; He loves my heart for once it was his own, I cherish his because in me it bides. My true-love hath my heart and I have his. ~ Phillip Sidney dyzgoneby

Just another crappy day

I know I haven't really posted much on my blog since I started this. I have been very indecisive of what I want to write. I will just start with what I am feeling and going thru. This blog is probably is going to be my savior and my rambling thoughts of my life and my life with my Marine. Well today I found out my Marine is deploying sometime between the end of January, to the middle of February. He will be gone for 12 to 14 months. I have had mixed emotions on the whole thing. This is not something I didn't know that was going to happen. I had accepted a 7 month deployment, which up until today is what I was assuming. But, this 12 maybe 14 months is very hard to endure. I will call it like it is, very depressing bull shit. I support who he is and what he and every other Marine, Airman, soldier, etc does. I respect everything our Military does and am very thankful to them all. Going 13 to 15 months without seeing him is going to be hard. Not holding him, touching him.....You all get the picture. I know lots of wives/significant others do endure the deployments, even multiple deployments and survive. The relationships become stronger. You learn to communicate more than most civilian relationships. All you have is communication thru phones, emails and IM's. I have a very high respect for those left behind. I will be joining the ranks very soon. We have been in a long distance relationship for awhile and I am used to seeing him every 6 weeks. I have learned to deal with all of that. I just am not sure how to deal with the long, long distance crap. I will be here for him and support him every step of the way. He won't hear me complain (that is what you all are here for). I will not ever give him a reason to believe my heart is anywhere, but with him! He (Sniper) on the other hand is happy to be going back. Sniper has wanted to go back since he came back from OIF II. He knows his shit well and is very good at taking care of his guys. I am looking forward to spending the holidays with him. This will be the last time until he returns from the Sandbox. I am going to cherish this time. God watch over my Marine and his brothers and sisters, please! I am not a very religious person, but I need all the help I can get. dyzgoneby