Where oh Where Have My Keys Gone?

Yesterday I was getting ready to leave for work and couldn't find my keys. I looked high and low for them. Drama Queen has this habit of just throwing them where ever. Drama Queen hadn't touched them the night before. OK..... Usually I find them under the couch cushions. I looked there, nothing. I looked in my purse, nope. I looked in the kitchen, nope. I looked in my bedroom, nope. I searched all the rooms frantically and found nothing. At this point I am starting to get pissed. Where the hell are they? I have to leave for work and am going to be late. Hmmmmm.... I decided to open the front door and just check. Oh shit, there they were. Ok, what frickin idiot left them still in the door. Oh that would be me. I left my keys all night long in the lock. Now even though I had the front door locked and the alarm on, if someone wanted to get in, they had the opportunity. My key chain has the keyfab (automatically shuts off the alarm) and a lot of good it did me having the alarm on at that point. What an absolute idiot I am. This is one screw-up I won't be telling Sniper about. I can tell you he would be completely pissed at me for this. He still hasn't let me forget about how long it took me to have the alarm installed and the break-in. I hear about it at least once a week. Ok note to self, don't leave the keys in the door all night. dyzgoneby

Lots of Pain and a Really Big Baby

Friday night after I ate dinner, my mouth started hurting. I couldn't figure out what was triggering it. Saturday woke-up and my mouth was really starting to hurt. All I kept thinking is, "this is bullshit." I couldn't wait until Monday to call the dentist. I did end up spending the day running around like a chicken on a mission trying to get everything ready for my big scrapbook workshop on Sunday. I had a gift bags to put together, a display board I was supposed to make and waited, yep, until the very last minute to finish. Mission complete with not a minute to spare. Sunday, the big day and lots of work to do. Except my mouth wasn't cooperating. It hurt like hell, from my ear to the middle of my chin. I was absolutely miserable all day. I couldn't not go, I had too many people who were counting on me. I worked through it all taking 1200mg of Motrin every 4 hours, but it wasn't doing a damn bit of good. I kept going out to my car and sitting there crying. I don't know how I made it through the day, but I did. I got home Sunday night and popped more Motrin and a vicodin. I was out by 1930. I don't remember the last time I went to bed that early. Only problem was it wasn't helping and I was back up at 2330. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. I just layed in bed and cried from all the pain. I have a pretty strong pain tolerance, except when it comes to my mouth. Then I become a big baby. Monday morning I dragged my ass out of bed ( in excruciating in pain) and looked in the mirror. Oh shit! I looked like my kids hamsters, after they have eaten. My whole side of my face was swollen all the way down to my big fat lip. I called the dentist and made my appointment for later that morning, then I went into work. I had quiet a few stares. I won't bore you with all the details, but the dentist wanted to pull my tooth out. The 3rd one from the front. Hell no! I won't look like no hillbilly from the backwoods going into work. Yes, I argued with him and we agreed, I would go see a specialist to try and save it. (I know I can have a crown made for it, but one day waiting, is one day too long. I will not be seen with a very obvious tooth missing). Then we decide to argue over me going back to work for the day. I won that one too. He numbed up my mouth, gave me a prescription for antibiotics and back to work I went. I was miserable, but damn I have a job to do. That evening Drama Queen took over my house. She played mommy to both Lego Man and me. She made dinner for us (soup) and brought me tea. Then I started to smell something like burnt chocolate chip cookies. She wanted to make us desert, but was watching tv and forgot about them. I looked in my kitchen and damn if a it didn't look like a bomb went off in there. I just walked back up to my room and left it for another day. (Note to self......teach Drama Queen to clean up after cooking). I popped a couple more Vicodin and became very loopy. I tried to type on my blog, but the monitor wouldn't sit straight. I wrote a letter to Sniper (God I hope there isn't something in there I will later regret) and then decided it was lights out for me. Yesterday morning my face was still swollen. Now that I was feeling a little bit better, I became the butt of some jokes. I looked like I had the shit beat out of me. It was bad. I did laugh everytime I looked in the mirror. I am just glad to be back to the land of the living, semi pain free. dyzgoneby My cell phones days are numbered to 359

Political Bullshit

Everytime I have heard thru the media about how our Military men & women don't have the necessary equipment they need to do there job, I always wondered how much of it was true and how much was media bullshit. The last couple of years when people where complaining that our Military doesn't have the Up-Armor Vehicles they need, I knew the government was working on it. I didn't think a few years into this war and there still would be a huge need (remember, I am just a civilian, what do I know). How much of this could really be true? How much of danger could they truly be in? Do are Military Men and Women not truly have the Body Armor they need? Hmmm is that bullshit again. Ironically I came across an article from Military.com this morning on Marines Decline Extra Armor. Ok, I sat here and thought about it. I read the article and all the discussions on it. My personal (civilian, never been in the military) opinion is I believe it should be up to the individual person to decide how much extra weight they want to wear to stay protected and how much they don't want to use so they can maneuver when they need to. Especially, those on foot patrols. They need to be able to be mobile, not weighted down. Then you add the heat and all the weight. Again, they need to be mobile. But hey, it's just my opinion. I am not in the military. Then I learned something today, that truly has my blood boiling over from a phone call: I am sitting here and knowing there are many (67) new fucking Up-Armored Humvees sitting on a Base over in Iraq not being used, while our Marines are using dilapidated, falling apart, decrepit, used up, worn-out, have to be towed away (a few times), pieces of shit. This has put there lives in more danger then they already are in, each and everyone fucking one of them, when they are outside the wire, daily. They were promised four new Up-Armored Humvees, but where are they? There is a General who has four brand new Up-Armored Humvees to be used at his discretion errr Security, to protect his ass. This same General who gets around in a bird. Why did this happen? Because a Lt pissed off the wrong person, a Major and a Colonel, that's why. This Lt. didn't play politics they way he should have. This Lt. was looking out for his Marines, that's why. So, now they will continue to drive these so called pieces of shit humvees and pray to God they make it back inside the wire safe and secure and that they don't break down while conducting there missions. They would have a better chance if they had the four new humvees, but oh yeah, the new Up-Armored Humvess are sitting there collecting dust. I hate how everything has a political side to it, no matter if you are in a civilian job, government job or in the Military. But, when someone doesn't play politics the correct way and it has put many Marines in even more danger, that's just flat out wrong and fucked up. As I sit here and type this, I made a promise: If something happens to one Marine while they are outside the wire because of the dilapidated pieces of garbage they call humvees, I will make everyone's life a living hell. That is a promise you can bet on. *Update* Just in case some moron comes across this and thinks Sniper and I don't believe we should be "there" or that we should pull out. I will tell you this, Bullshit. Read this again from him, he wrote it awhile back. We 100% believe in what he is doing. We believe we are doing the right thing "over there." The military is making great strides and Sniper is doing exactly what he wants to be doing. He has the option of coming home early, but he won't. Not until the very last Marine comes home from his unit, will he come home. That's just him. I just feel they should be given every ample piece of equipment to complete there missions and not let the politics of someone saying the wrong thing and something being taken away from them as a punishment. Just as if they were a child. This isn't a game people, this is a matter of life and death. This is a matter of completing the mission and coming home to your loved ones or coming home in a pine box. dyzgoneby God, please watch over Sniper and our Marines

Third Day, Third Times a Charm, Right?

Wrong!! You would think by now I would have learned my lesson after the last couple of days. I am a glutton for punishment. After the way we hung up or me hanging up yesterday, I honestly didn't think I would get a phone call today. I went through all day yesterday not stressed or worried that something happened to him. I knew since there was no phone call or USMC Chaplain showing up at the door through the night Sniper was just fine. I hoped for a phone call today, but figured he is super busy and it will be awhile. Wrong. I guess he thought I would be super stressed over the disconnect yesterday. This morning I had a meeting that I had to attend with my big boss "K", Gunny and 4 other people. It didn't matter that work is just beyond craziness and that 3 people called in sick again today. It seems our office is infected with the plague. Well, I brought my cell phone with me and put it in my pocket on vibrate. No, I wasn't looking for a thrill, at least not while I am at work. At the end of the meeting, my pocket started to vibrate and I jumped about 5 feet. I forgot it was there. I pulled the cell phone out and looked at the number calling. Damn it was Sniper. Being new to the office I didn't want to get into any type of trouble or be labeled a rebel. Calling into work sick yesterday and wearing jeans to a very conservative office today, I figured I am already earning the reputation of "rebel." I had to donate / pay $35 to be able to wear jeans for the next 6 Fridays and it is well worth every penny. Getting off track. Well, those in the room looked at me and mouthed if that was Sniper. YEP! "K" looks at me and says well answer it and announced to every one, we lost "princess" Iraq is calling. They all laughed. Hello Hello000 HELOOOOOO I missed it again. I sat there and just started to laugh. Five minutes later and my meeting was adjourned. "K" came over to me and said next time he calls, just answer the damn phone. Yep, they all understand and our extremely supportive. This time, the very first time since he has left, he actually left me a message on my voice mail. "Hey it's me. So I just called and then I got hung up on. So you better be in a meeting or something lady. I'll call you back in a little bit. So answer your damn phone. Love ya. I'm safe, I'm fine, I'm not hurt. Bye." I sat there and laughed my ass off. I am not having much luck with this damn phone. I figured he would call me back in a little while. At least I knew he was fine. I never had a doubt, call it intuition. A several hours go by and I am just slammed at work. I am buried up to my eye brows. I love it. At this point I didn't count on him calling me back and I know he is extremely busy in the shitbox. My phone rings and yep, it's Sniper. We talked for about 6 minutes and then I hear him getting very very tired and drifting again. I told him to just give up and sleep. Nope, he didn't want that, he wanted to talk. I said fine I will ramble and he can listen. A couple minutes go by and now he isn't saying anything. I finally said honey I love you, sleep well and I am hanging up. I hear a very distinct...... NO!!! He said he was trying to talk, but the words just weren't coming out. Damn I love that man. He just wanted to listen to my voice. I kept on talking for a few minutes and I finally told him, I love you and would love to talk while he slept, but that is a expensive call. Besides, I have sooo much work to do and a very short time until I am off. We hung up. Afterwards I sat there and laughed. As much as I wanted to talk and he wanted to listen to me, I knew he needed rest and sleep more than anything. Damn that man is stubborn. I sat back and reflected back on my day and how I handled it all. I realized shit happens. First, I won't be able to control anything and to just let everything ride. Second, getting upset or breaking down isn't going to change a damn thing. I know I will miss many more phone calls before this is all over. I can either be thankful he called and laugh that I missed it or become a emotional wreck and let it ruin my day, over something I can not control. I will take the first. Don't get me wrong, I know there will be many more days, I just lose it over something so silly. FYI....I know why I flipped on Wednesday and was more emotional than I had been in awhile. Part of it is the emotional rollercoaster and a big part is PMS. Damn sometimes I hate being a woman and having my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see, add PMS to the mix and it's not a fun ride. I told Lego Man about the couple of missed calls this week and his reply, "Mom, your a moron." dyzgoneby My cell phone's days are numbered to 364, then it's going to die a slow painful death

Motar Rounds Interrupt Yet Another Call

Sniper called this morning, just wanting to keep me on my toes. That he does. He remembered falling asleep on the phone yesterday and said he was tired. Duh, what would lead you to believe this. He said he has been trying to call me every few days. I had to reply, well it was 9 days in between the last 2 calls, but hey who's counting. Before that yes. I am glad the days are running into each other for him. Hopefully it will make the time fly by. While we were on the phone, I set off the house alarm. I forgot it was on. Now this is the first time I did this. Opps! We both agreed, it was nice to know the alarm works. It's a great sense of peace for him with me having it because he would hate to have to come back from Iraq and kill someone here. He wants to leave the killing behind when he leaves the "Shitbox." Yes, we both have a sick sense of humor, but hey whatever gets us through this. We were talking for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden we could hear mortars coming in. Sniper tells me I might have to go. I told him "ok." What else am I supposed to say? No. We talk, sorta, listening and then you here in the background the siren for incoming. It was a little late for the notice guys. He said he may have to go take care of a few Iraqis. They shoot, he shoots back. That would be the end of another stupid ass, one less to hurt our Military. He said he needed to go grab his radio and find out what's going on and asked me if I wanted to hold on. I did. I sat there and listened for what seemed like eternity....still waiting and waiting. I could hear the sirens in the background. More waiting..... I finally decided after waiting for about 20 minutes to hang up. I didn't want him to pay for me to listen. I told the phone "I Love You" and hung up. Fucking Stupid Insurgents, they Interrupted our phone call and yes, I am laughing here as I type this. I know, I know, Sniper will call me back. He's fine and I heard his voice again today. Hopefully, he will get some sleep first and just call another time. So here I sit, with my cell phone glued to my side wondering when the next time Sniper will call. Kbug, I agree with your comment " I think all of us who have a loved one deployed have a love/hate relationship with our cell phones." Before this deployment, I lived on my cell phone and would go nowhere with out it. It seems it was stuck to my ear. Now, I really really hate the stupid cell phone and would love to throw that fucking thing out the window or against a wall. I know if I did that, it I would have to replace it and possibly miss a call, but it just doesn't listen to me and doesn't take orders very well. Maybe my cell phone and I are alot alike. Hmmmm Oh ya, I am home sick today throwing up, just lovely. Nope not pregnant. That would be one helluva miracle if I was, we both are fixed. :) *Update* Yes, I know he did not go to Iraq just so he could sit and call me from there. I do know, he did not go to Iraq just so I could sit here and whine all about it. However, I am allowed to whine once in a while. If I have to go months without hearing from him, so be it. That is part of his life and I agreed to be part of it. The Good, The Bad and the really Ugly part of it. I would do anything for him. I love with him with all my heart and would go to hell and back for him. He's been there and is back for another round. I am here to support him in anything he needs from me. Roger that...... Sniper has a mission to do and is getin' er' done . I DO KNOW THIS!!! Carry On, Out! dyzgoneby 365 days until my cell phone goes in the garbage!

Stupid Fucking Cell Phone Policy

My office recently implemented a new policy. Cell phones must be put on vibrate while at work. I understand this one. I work in a fairly large office with cell phones ringing constantly. There are a few people who just don't get it and there phones ring constantly and are very loud. It's irritating to know end. I personally turn my ringer way down, so as not to disturbe anyone. Since we started this, I carry my phone when I leave my desk, which is constantly. When I am sitting down, I sit on it. However, I knew this policy was going to bite me in the ass and it did. I come into work this morning in my happy cheerful self. It's another good day I thought. Maybe Sniper will call I'm thinking. I was very busy (which is completely normal) and needed to pick something up from the printer. It's about 15 feet away. I didn't think twice about leaving my phone at my desk. I sat back down and looked at my phone. 1 MISSED CALL. My heart just sank. I looked at the area code and sure enough it was Sniper. FUCK!!!! I looked to see what time he called, 0829. I checked the time, 0830. Fuck...... Please call back, please call back. I kept saying it over and over again. It's been 9 days, I just want to hear your voice. I sat there and willed that damn phone to ring. This fucking stupid cell phone policy. 0839, no call back. Sniper always calls me back when I have missed a call. No, this isn't the first time, but he always calls back. My eyes start to leak a little. Damn Stupid Fucking Cell Phone Policy! I am actually talking to my cell phone and begging for it to ring. I didn't care that people were around me. 0844, Still no call back. I grabbed the phone and walked out of the office. Please call. OK maybe he called someone else in the family and they were home. Bubba's home, he didn't have to be at school until 1130. Please have called Bubba. Oh God, let him call me back. I clean up my face and go back into the office. By now those around me know I missed a call. They all kept saying he'll call back.....WHEN? Gunny (my boss and retired from the Marine Corps) comes over and gives me a hug. He hands me a Starbucks Muffin. Eat-up. He'll call back. No worries. 0855, still no call back. Well, at least I know he tried. At least I know he is thinking of me. I sat down and tried to do some work. I am way buried and I need to get the shit on my desk done. My mind was racing with missing that phone call. I am having a hard time concentrating on my job. I look down at my hands and they are shaking uncontrollably. My whole body was shaking. I was crying from the inside out. My insides felt like they were ripping apart. I know it's a fucking phone call, he'll call back. It's not the end of the world, but my heart wasn't listening to my head. 0925, still no call back. He is definitely talking to someone else. Oh please have let him get a hold of Bubba (Bubba hasn't talked to him since Boots on the Ground). I finally started to resolve myself and realize he tried. 0944, My phone rings. I had been holding it in my hands wishing it to ring. It was Sniper. He wanted to call and tell me he loves me. We talked for all of 5 minutes. He was able to talk to Bubba and his mom for over an hour. That made me feel so good. I am really happy Bubba heard from him. Sniper was sooo extremely tired. He only had about an hour and a half left to sleep. He was very quiet on the phone. I could hear him, in the short amount of time we were on the phone, falling asleep. Me - Honey, you need to get some sleep. I worry about you. Sniper - What are you worried about? Me - Honey you need your sleep. Sniper - But I want to talk to you. Me - Honey, you are falling asleep. Besides I don't want to pay for a phone call to listen to you sleep. I would rather actually talk to you. Sniper - very quiet Me - Honey, I am hanging up now. Your falling asleep. Sniper - Um, ok. We hung-up a minute later. I want to talk to him, but he has a job to do and needs his rest. I am very happy I was able to talk to him. All I wanted to do was hear his voice. Those five minutes were so precious. Even if I mostly listened to his breathing become deeper and deeper as he was falling asleep. Up until I missed that phone call, I was doing great. In the 1 hour and 15 minutes, my life sucked. I wasn't depressed, just sad that I missed it the first time he called. Looking back, I am glad I missed that call. Why? He was able to talk to his son and his mom. They needed to hear from him way more than I did. I did call his mom and talk to her afterwards. I wanted to find out how he was doing. We both have kept each other updated whenever and whoever he calls. She did tell me I need to chill out when it comes to not hearing from him. Damn him. I knew he would get me used to phone calls and then cut me off. I didn't think I was that affected by not hearing from him until I missed that call. I will say this....THAT STUPID CELL PHONE POLICY IS GOING OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW WITH ME. I will not, will not miss another call. If you wonder why I am telling you about this crazy episode. I used to wonder what was perfectly normal, to have your feelings all over the board. I would hear about the rollercoaster ride you become part of and wonder what it was like. Is it really that big of a ride? No, I am not nuts, well maybe somedays. Sharing my experiences may give someone else the insight as to: one, how emotional the ride truly is (no matter how strong you maybe); two, what you experience is perfectly normal and three, no matter what, love does conquer all. Bouncing on the bed.....I heard from Sniper. I am good for at least another 9 days. dyzgoneby 366 days until I can throw my cell phone in the garbage. Why? Sniper will be in my arms then.

Inner Strength

I finally have reached the point in this deployment, where my head has finally realized Sniper's not coming home anytime soon and I am not a mess everyday. I am handling it well. I knew I could find my inner strength. I still have those moments, but they are further in between. I haven't heard from him in 9 days and the last time it went this long I was a mess. This time, I still walk around with a smile on my face and know he is ok. How do I know this? I have faith. Faith in him, faith in him as a Marine ( I really don't need this one, he is a damn good Marine) and faith in God. I think about him often and that makes me smile. I have finally turned the corner and have picked myself up and realized, life goes on. Don't get me wrong, I miss the hell out of him and dream of homecoming. When Sniper left, we both talked about how hard it would be on me. I knew it would be hard, just didn't realize how hard. It takes a very strong person to stand steadfast at home. I have now joined the league of the "The Few, The Proud, The One's Left Behind.....Admiring the view." At work there is a really sweet girl that works with me and every couple of days she tells me, "I don't know how you do it? I could never do what you are doing." You just do. If you love someone (and we all know how much I love Sniper) you will be there for him, you will support him. Your mind never falters, you have that love in your heart and that is what keeps you going. You know they are thinking about you and you are in there heart, even when you don't hear from them for long periods of time. I am already looking at the positives this deployment has given me. I have become closer to Sniper's mom and Bubba. This deployment has pulled us closer. I talk to them often. If Sniper was stateside, I don't think it would have happened this quickly. I believe it would have happened, just not this soon. I have gained a since of strength in me I knew was there, just hadn't surfaced in a long time. I don't put up with bull shit anymore. I don't dwell on the little things in life. I take nothing for granted. I am staying super busy and this helps. My job is going good, it's just incredibly busy. I go into work in the morning and look up and it's past the time I should have gone to lunch. Then it's time to come home. I love it. I get home and just want to sit from sheer exhaustion. I have so much piling up at home and have just been doing what's necessary. Speaking of necessities, I have a huge workshop this weekend (I do them twice a year) for my scrapbook business and I haven't done shit for it. I will have a few very long tiring nights this week. My moto lately "Put off today what you can do tomorrow." I don't think that's working. I can't keep putting it off any longer. Shit. "Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it" *Edited the first sentence* dyzgoneby 366 days until Sniper's in my arms

Another Week Down

I have so much to do and I can't seem to get off my ass (lazy bitch). I am so tired and I cannot come up with anything wity to say. So, I will just ramble, which we all know I do well. This last Tuesday I ordered a Deployment Bracelet for myself. I wanted something I could wear out to support Sniper and remind me of him (Like I really need any reminders and don't think about him constantly. I wear his sweats and t-shirts at home, but I don't think those things would fly at work. They already probably think I am nuts and I don't need to give them anymore ammo). Friday (4 days, wow) I received it in the mail. It came out so much better than I could have asked for. It really is beautiful. Go visit here to see what Sheree can do for you. They are well worth it. The charms are a "Marines" "Heart Flag" and a "Support Ribbon" Yesterday, I had a few Marine moms and my Army Aunt over to my house to Scrapbook for the day. None of us got shit accomplished. We spent the whole day reminiscing about "our" Marines and our "Soldier". We talked about the differences of Army Life vs. Marine Life. It was nice to finally find a few woman who "get it" and "understand" what life is like on this side of the pond. Bless my Aunt's heart, but I know she probably gets tired of hearing all my shit (I love you Auntie). Bubba also came over and spent a few hours as well with us. I really enjoy having him around. Up until the last 2 weeks, I hadn't spent much time with him since Sniper was here for New Year's. I miss having him around. This morning, Bubba and I went over to the mall and each had a Dog Tag made for Sniper. Bubba asked me last weekend if I would take him to pick one up for his dad. I had been thinking about it for awhile and just hadn't done it. Now it's done. We also had an identical one of Sniper's made for Bubba. They turned out pretty cool. They have a 3-D picture on one side and a inscription printed on the other. I will have mine out tomorrow in the mail. Bubba needs to write a letter and then we will mail his out as well. I hope Sniper enjoys the little piece of us here at home with him. Until The End Of Time, You Will Always Have My Heart. I Love You It's been a few days since of I heard from Sniper, "No News, is Good News." Right? Right? Right? I knew it was coming, it just doesn't make it any easier. Oh well, I have my straw out and am "sucking it up." dyzgoneby 369 days until your in my arms again FYI...It took me to frickin long to upload just these two little messily pictures. Thanks blogger.

I Think of You, You Think of Me

I am here I lay my head down at night and think of you Where are you at? What are you doing? Are you Warm? Are you safe? How close did danger come to you today? How many close calls have you had? Will you come home to me? The nights are lonely for me You are there. You lay your head down and think of me, in a land far away Where am I at? Am I safe? Is there someone else I am seeing in your absence? Will I be here when you come home? The nights are lonely for you I dream of you The yesterdays and what tomorrow will bring to us All the memories we have had and the ones we will create The days of years past, present and future You dream of me The yesterdays and what tomorrow will bring us All the memories we have made and the ones we will create The days of years past, present and future I am fighting here I fight against dumb asses Who take for granted the freedom you give us The ones who don’t support that you are there You are fighting there You fight against terrorists You fight for their freedom You fight for our freedom Just some rambling from dyzgoneby 369 days until a wake-up

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Just wanted to wish you all a Happy St. Patty's Day. No kids here and worked my ass of this week, I'm headed to bed....I know pretty frickin' pathetic. dyzgoneby

Still Here

Don't worry I'm still here. Life has just been very hectic and chaotic. The new job is keeping me extremely busy. I love it. The days fly by. Starting this weekend I will be hitting the books (studying for my Series 7 License) on my freetime. And that my folks is truly funny. I have gotten myself into a cluster fuck on piling to much on my plate. Sniper warned me, but I didn't listen. One of these days I may actually do that. When someone asks me if I want to voluntary next time, I will hands down say no. I have talked to Sniper again this morning. I say again, because last week he called me five times. Every call suprises me. It's never near the same time or day as the last. We only talked this morning for about 15 minutes. He is doing good, but needs sleep. He is staying super busy and hasn't had a day off yet or even a few hours, other than when he is supposed to be sleeping. That's when he calls me. He asked about his mom and Bubba. He misses them both so much. He also asked if I had been over there recently. Unfortunately, I haven't, life has been to hectic, but I plan on stopping by this weekend. (If one of you are reading this, I will be by on Sunday). I heard him taking those long, deep breaths you get right before you are out like a light. He was very close to falling asleep on the phone with me. I didn't want to hang up, but I told him to get some sleep and we'll talk again soon. Tomorrow is Lego Man's 12th Birthday. It will be another long day. I am planning on taking the kids out to dinner, Lego Man's choice. I will take him anywhere other than Mc D's (I refuse to eat that shit unless I am desperate). His Birthday present this last weekend from my parent's....another fuckin hamster (Drama Queen got one for her birthday, thanks guys). We now have two in the house. Do you know how noisy they are at night? I know they're nocturnal, but damn some of us need our sleep. As I am typing this I hear both of them (separate cages and rooms) running in there wheels over and over and over again. If it wasn't so mean I would tape the wheels down at night. Then again I may just do that. I need some sleep, I can't keep falling asleep at work. I have done that three times now. dyzgoneby 374 days (give or take a few) until Sniper is in my arms again

Difference Between the Civilian and the Marine

I came across this and thought I would share it with y'all. To bad more people just don't "get it." Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes. He stays up for days on end. You take a warm shower to help you wake up. He goes days or weeks without running water. You complain of a "headache", and call in sick. He gets shot at, as others are hit, and keeps moving forward. You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends. He still fights for your right to wear that shirt. You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket. He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags. You talk trash on your "buddies" that aren't with you. He knows he may not see some of his buddies again. You don't feel like helping out your dad today, so you don't. He does what he is told. You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists. You complain about how hot it is. He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He does not get to eat today. Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes. He wears the same things for months, but makes sure his weapons are clean. You go to the mall and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today. You are angry because your class ran 5 minutes over. He is told he will be held an extra 2 months. He does as he is told. You call your girlfriend and set a date for that night. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home. You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume. You ditch class to go to a movie. He goes where he is told. You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet. You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own government and remembers why he is fighting. You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of the men like him. He hears the gun fire and bombs. You see only what the media wants you to see. He sees the bodies lying around him. You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does what he is told. You stay at home and watch tv. He takes whatever time he is given to call and write home, sleep, and eat. You crawl into your bed, with down pillows, and try to get comfortable. He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gun fire. You sit there and judge him, saying the world is a worse place because of men like him. If only there were more men like him. ~Author unknown dyzgoneby 376 to go until were one again

Silly Me

I thought I would share some of the silly things I have been doing around the house to remind me of Sniper. I needed a good laugh today. I have some of his clothes, boxers and sweats. I have been wearing them all. I spend the weekends in his sweats. The only time I am not in any of his clothes, is when they are being washed. He bought me a US Marines Camp Pendleton sweatshirt the day before he left. I wear it all the time and I mean everywhere. Wingman keeps making comments on how funny I have been with that sweatshirt. I figured by the time he is home, it will be in shreds. Sniper put a "Honey Do" list up on the fridge when he was here last. One of his to-do's, "Kiss for Sniper." Well, it's still there and if someone takes it down I will kick there ass. I have even threatened my kids, they both just laugh. He bought me a USMC bear last year and I sleep with it everynight. OK, I'm 35 years old and sleeping with a frickin' teddy bear. (How do I tell my 12 year old son to stop sleeping with his bunny if I can't even stop sleeping with this bear). I even took it with me when I went on my scrapbook retreat for the weekend. Thank God nobody ever gave me any shit there for sleeping with the damn thing. They all knew it has become my security blanket. Every night Drama Queen tucks the USMC bear in my bed and puts Sniper's picture on my pillow. I have a picture of us on my computer monitor and when I turn off the computer at night, I kiss the picture / monitor and tell him "Good night my love, I love you." If you think I am nuts, that's okay, I know I am. I hope y'all enjoyed the laugh. dyzgoneby

Lego Man's Belly Bugs

Well, yesterday was the day Lego Man had his Endoscopy done. That is where they stick a fuckin huge tube and shove it down your throat, take pictures and then do a biopsy. And you can't eat anything after midnight the night before. Try telling that to a 11 year old kid when the procedure isn't done until 1100. I took him in and his was very anxious (for those of you who don't know, my son is bi-polar and is being tested for Aspergers). They take him and I back to the room. We brought his CD walkman for him to listen to while they do the procedure. We thought it would be good to have something to half way try and keep his mind occupied. They start putting all those wonderful little gadgets all over him and then tell him it's time to start the IV. He was listening to his CDs and once the nurse (#1) put the IV in his arm, the silent tears started to fall from his eyes (my son doesn't cry true tears unless he is truly hurt). Nurse #1 apparently didn't hit the spot just right. I sat next to him and consoled him and wiped the tears away. I could see him getting more scared. The doc came in and talked to us a few minutes. He could see Lego Man getting anxious and asked the nurse to give him the meds to start to relax him (thank god). A few minutes later nurse #2 sprayed this horrible shit down his throat to numb it up. I was sitting on a chair away from the bed. Doc then decides it time to get the show on the road. They pull out this huge fucking tube and start to shove it down his throat. There were three nurses trying to hold him down. I started to get up so I can rub his feet and let him know I was there. They told me to sit. They didn't want to see me faint. Bullshit, I have seen worse and can handle it (inside I am fucking screaming to leave him alone). Five minutes go by and they still can't get the tube down right, the whole time my son is crying. Nurse #1 is consoling my son and telling him it was ok (I will give her a brownie point here). Doc says we need to give him some more meds to calm him down (now I am thinking why the hell didn't you do that a few minutes ago). The tried to put the medicine in the IV and that's when they noticed it was coming out and blood was going all over everywhere. At this point, I didn't give a fuck and stood up and held on to my sons legs and just comforted him with my voice and touch. It took them a few more minutes to calm him down as much as they could and continue on mission. I was going back and forth between watching my son and the video screen. The doc showed me a few things in his tummy. It seems he does have H. Pylori. He also noticed something on his Esophagus. They took a biopsy of both. Procedure complete. They pulled the tube out. During the whole procedure Lego Man was crying. I immediately went right up to his head and kissed him and told him how much I loved him. I was rubbing his head and he finally fell asleep, after everything was completely over. We should have the results of the biopsy sometime next week, but we started the Antibotics regiment (it's a pretty intense combination for the next 15 days) tonight to kill the H. Pylori. While Lego Man was in recovery and getting ready to go home, he looked at me and said "I hate that fucking doctor and nurse." Well, I didn't say to much other than, the doctor is just trying to make him all better. I brought him home and he has been very clingy. I will quote my son "I hate that fucking doctor and nurse" not for trying to help him get better, but for the agony they caused a little boy who wasn't supposed to remember anything with this due to the meds he was given. Well folks, he remembers the whole fucking thing! dyzgoneby

Deja Vu

A few months ago I wrote the story about Sniper and I, and having the feelings of deja vu. Well it looks like I am not the only one. Sniper called me again today. Hot damn 4 calls in a week, that must be a record or maybe I just know the calls will be sparse for awhile. It's more like the later, duty calls. Anywho, we talked for 1 hour 16 minutes and 55 seconds, yep that timer on my phone works well. He is the one who it seems is having the deja vu about us. He is getting at the point where he can't get it out of his head that I won't be sticking around. He knows I love him, but he is starting to have flashbacks of me leaving him (silly little Marine, he can't get rid of me that easy). He is afraid I won't stick it out and it will be too hard on me. I will admit, I haven't said anything other than I am doing ok here at home. I haven't completely told him all of my feelings over the last 7 weeks and have kinda closed him off (that has never been something I have done to him. I have always been very forth coming with him. I have instead been keeping all those feelings written down in my journal, thanks Frankie). I didn't want him to worry about me. I decided to let him in on my world lately, just a little. I didn't want to scare the shit out of him. (I did enough of that telling him about the break in and he is still very upset over the whole situation. Especially since he couldn't be here to protect his princess. I would have felt sorry for the poor bastard who broke into my home if Sniper was here.). Well, today I told him it's been very hard, emotionally. I have cried my good share. I let him know I have a wonderful support system and am using it all. I wrote him a letter about a week and a half ago and told him there maybe a chance I won't be writing him everyday once I start studying, and not to worry. I am not going anywhere, I just don't want him to think anything was wrong. Well, he got it and read it. He says he understands I need to study, but it just got him thinking. I guess that means I will continue writing him every day, even if it is a simple "I Love You" written across the page. I have been in the habit of handwriting him letters daily (I think the only few days I have missed writing were on the weekends when mail isn't picked up). The letters are anywhere from 3 to 7 pages long. Yes, I can write/ramble. He also said he thinks I will get bored writing him and run out of things to talk about. Again, I think Sniper is being a little silly here, me run out of things to write about. I can write / ramble just as well as I can talk on the phone and he knows I can talk. He has had to tell me to keep my mouth closed a few times so he could finish his end of the conversation. I know I didn't ease his fears, only time can do that. When he sees me on the otherside of this he will know. I did get to talk to 2 of his guys with him. One is another Marine and the other is the Doc with them. I just love how I always meet his Marines in the middle of the night via phone. The three of them were all kicking back and relaxing the night away. Sniper's hooch is looking more like the local hangout. And who couldn't blame them with a frickin' huge TV in there and now a full size fridge, not including all the goodies and movies he has. Where the hell do they get this shit at? Doc told me the place is looking more and more like a movie theater.....Sniper has always had his connections. Sniper decided to share "our" story with them and wanted them to talk to me. (He has always done this at home when he is at the bar hanging out with his buddies, I 'm starting to see a pattern here. And no, they weren't drinking, there in IRAQ). I talked to Doc for awhile. He is a good guy. I did ask a favor of him, to put his boot up Sniper's ass and tell him to quiet having these stupid deja vu flashbacks. Doc said his boots were to small. I think he has to much respect for Sniper....damn. I get the next one on the phone and again ask him the same favor. Nope, it's a no go. I guess I am going to have to figure out another way to get it through his thick skull. I Love you Sniper!!!!! 379 days to go...... dyzgoneby

What You Will Never Want To See

Do you ever feel your heart just aching? That you need to just get things off your mind and your chest? Sunday Wingman, Bubba (Sniper's son) and I spent the day together. Ever since the break-in I wanted to have a gun in the house (yes it still bother's me, but I am not letting it get the best of me). I talked it over with Sniper and Wingman and I can have Sniper's gun on a few conditions: 1. I learn how to shoot it (it's been many year's since I have shot a gun) 2. I get a case to keep it locked up and don't let the kids know it's in the house 3. I learn how to clean the weapon (still working on this) 4. (Wingman's rule) I learn the 4 safety rules and 3 weapon conditions (still working on this) The three of us spent a few hours at the range and I did pretty well. I was amazed how comfortable I become with it, it didn't take long. I think I just found a new hobby (boy can this get expensive). Afterward, we all came back to my house to kick back. We were all playing around on the computer. I looked up at the screen and my heart just stopped. When Sniper was hurt, the fucking insurgents had video taped it, it's on the internet. Sniper told me about this a few weeks ago that it was out there and he has saw it. He said when I am ready, and if I want to, he would show it to me. I was looking at Sniper and the other Marine getting hit by an IED. I had to walk out of the room. I couldn't breathe. It all seemed so unreal. I finally came back upstairs (I was trying to keep it all in, Bubba was here). Wingman hugged me and said everything is ok. That night after they left, I lost it. Everything inside of me was so numb. I kept looking at the computer and thinking I want to finish watching it. I found the sight online (yes, you can find anything online, even this sick fucking shit) and bookmarked it. I had a few drinks and just kept staring at the monitor. It went on for a long time. I finally decided to push play (I will regret that for a long time if not for the rest of my life). Nothing can prepare you for something as watching your love one getting hurt, getting blown up. He was so close that day to not coming home the same way he left. He is one helluva a lucky man to still be alive. God was truly watching out for him. The insurgents were so close to him and the other Marines. I sat there for a long time and cried. I thought I was going to lose it, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and be done with everything. I never should have done that, let alone by myself. I didn't sleep much that night and when I did the nightmares kept coming. I woke-up the following morning still crying. I went to work on Monday, so depressed. Sniper's call that day could not have come at a better time. I really needed to hear his voice. I waited until almost the end of our conversation before I told him I saw it. I didn't tell him my reaction other than I cried. Sniper is not happy with me that I watched it, he wishes I wouldn't have or would have waited until he was home and he could have watched it with me, to hold onto me. So many things I would have changed, but now that is hindsight. I still keep thinking about that fucking video and the images I saw. As a civilian, that is a lot to grasp. As a Marine, that is just another day for them. I have a lot of respect for what our Military does and sees, day in and out. I think about how this has affected me and know this ain't shit compared to what he has seen. If you are out there thinking I will share the sight with you, I have this to say....Fuck You. dyzgoneby

Marines Taking Care of Their Own

I am so proud of the man and Marine Sniper is. He called me again this afternoon (his evening). He was with one of his Marine's and they had been talking and watching a movie the last couple of hours in his hooch. Sniper and R were talking about life and relationships and the story of us had come up. He wanted R to talk to me. So here I am at work, talking to one of Sniper's Marines in Iraq. R and I talked for awhile and I had the two of them laughing. It was great to hear. R and I got off the phone and Sniper came back on. After a few minutes R left and Sniper and I continued are conversation. Sniper then told me that a few days ago he noticed R was acting different, something was bothering him. R's wife was 5 mths pregnant and she lost the baby. Sniper took him in tonight and offered that brotherly comfort. He was looking out for his own. My heart and prayers are with R, his wife and family. We talked for awhile and joked around. I told him that when he gets home I am not waiting another couple of years to marry him. He said neither is he, he has waited long enough. It was nice to actually carry a conversation on, laugh, joke and forget about everything going on around him. Just as if he was in Camp Pendleton. We hung up soon after and he said he would call me back. Some other stuff is going on and he had some phone calls to make. This was at 2:30am his time. A couple hours pass and he calls me back. Everything is taken care of. Now he sounds real tired. He only had 3 hours to sleep before he had to be back at it. After I hung up, it dawned on me who R was. I was still thinking about this kid and his family. Well, I have talked to his mom a few times and we have emailed back and forth a few times. She is on one of the Marine Boards I belong to (there are a few parents' from his unit I have connected up with). I came home and emailed his mom. I ended up talking to her on the phone tonight. She was glad there was someone there R could talk to. She said she will sleep peacefully tonight knowing R talked to his wife and that someone is looking out for him in the Litterbox. I reflect back on today and the conversations I had with Sniper. I am very proud of him and everything he is and stands for. He is a damn fine Marine. One anyone would be proud of. Marines truly take care of their own. Sniper: I love you with all my heart. The sense of pride I have for you goes beyond anything I could put into words. Standing Proudly Beside My Marine Dyzgoneby

I'm Still Here

The last few weeks have just flew by (yeah for me). With the new job, I haven't had anytime to breathe. I get up in the morning (0500), get ready for work, go to work, get off work, pick up kids, spend a few hours with them, hit the rack (2130) and start all over the next day. I am defiantly back to the land of the working and very exhausted. I love my new job. The people I work with are very friendly and outgoing. I have spent the last five years in almost complete solitude. I worked in a office with just two of us, my broker (Gunny) and myself. Even though I had a job that I worked with the public, most of our clients never came into the office. That hasn't changed, but I now have people who work around me. I don't sit and stare at the walls and wait for the clock to hit the mark to go home. I now look up and think OMG, it's time to go home and I still have shit to do. I love staying busy and this is just the beginning. I am now working with Gunny again. He is a wonderful man and takes very good care of me. In the next few weeks I will be studying for my securities licenses and my hell will begin, this is a good thing. By the time I have all my licenses (three), Sniper should be almost home. I heard from Sniper again today. I was at work when he called and we talked for 30 minutes. It was the middle of the night for him and he sounded so tired. However, it was so wonderful to hear his voice. It was the usual, "missing you" stuff. Along with my list of items he needs. It still seems I am the only one sending him anything. I felt bad, but then he told me there are some of the Marines in his unit who haven't received anything. That broke my heart. He is somewhat hiding all the stuff he is receiving from me, as not to upset or rub it in to those who haven't. I will have there names soon and will start sending them something. We did talk about that it has already been six weeks, a month and a half or 3 paychecks down depending on how you look at. We agreed counting in months would be the best. So, what's he go and do as we are getting ready to hang up, we have 385 days to go. F*ck, I don't want to know the days, that's too many. I like the months much better. We seem to have fallen into a pattern of him calling me once a week. That is something we both never expected. He is a little worried about me and wants to make sure I am ok and I am. It's not easy, but I am now falling into a grove. I love hearing from him. I also received my first email from him (this is a huge deal from someone who hates the computer). What it said "Hey babe. I will be calling soon tonight. Love me." That's it, a simple one liner. I laughed when I read it. I told him one liners were good, I guess he took it at face value. Oh well, I will take any type of communication I can get. The last few days, there has been no tears from my end, until today. For some reason today I felt a little emotional (no it's not PMS). I think it is because I have been so tired. (I have fallen asleep in my cubicle twice this week, opps). I was listening to the radio and the song "Letters From Home" started to play and the damn water works started. I was so pissed at myself. I took a walk and came back refreshed. Then after he called, the damn water works started again. Fortunately for me everyone at my new job, knows I have a Marine in Iraq and are very understanding and supportive (I wouldn't give a f*ck if they weren't, it just makes it easier). Something that has been weighing heavy on my heart is Sniper's injury. I had been put in a position that has made me feel uncomfortable. Sniper still hasn't told his mom he was hurt, he just told his dad this last week. He didn't want to upset her. Well, I talked to her today and it seems Wingman let it slip that Sniper was hurt a few weeks ago. She told me that he had been hurt and then asked if I knew. Now, this puts me in a bad position. I won't lie. I am one of the few who will tell the truth (if you don't want the truth, then don't ask me). So I told her, he called me as soon as the phones were back up right after it happened. She doesn't know all the details, but she knows. She also doesn't know that the Marine with Sniper has passed away and it has affected Sniper. Now, I am in a more precarious position. One, I know all the details, how much do I divulge to her? Two, do I tell Sniper his mom knows? I hate this type of shit. I don't like being put in the middle. I did ask her if and when it happens again, does she want me to call and tell her. She said she did. Now, how much of the conversation do I tell Sniper? I tell him just about everything, I never hold too much back. dyzgoneby