Heads Up, Blogging for the Next Week will Cease

Just so ya'll don't think I forgot about ya, I will be leaving after work today and heading down to Camp Pendleton with Sniper. YEAH.......Sorta. Yes I will be able to spend some wonderful one-on-one time with him and no distractions from anyone, unless you count Wingman. However, it also means the end of his leave and the end of the nice long exhilarating month we have had together and back to reality. Unless Sniper or Wingman (and I highly doubt it) will give me the password to the computer down there, I won't be able to get on. OH SHIT!!!! I don't know how I am going to handle a whole week without my fix. I know I will go through some withdrawals, but I am sure I can find something else to occupy our time. *BIG GRIN* Next week, life will be back to "normal." See ya'll then. dyzgoneby

Dying A Little Inside

The other day, I was scrolling through a few of my favorite blogs and found these posts from MQ, Some Soldier's Mom, and Mrs. Dadmanly. I can relate to all of them. The one thing most of us have in common is, we all seem to have the same thoughts, fears and adjustments. Just from a little different perspective, either as a parent, spouse or significant other. I am no different and have been going through my own adjustment as well. I never truly imagined or could fathom the idea of really seeing Sniper home again alive and he has been home a month already. I had in the back of my head through his whole deployment, that I would never see him again and that is just a horrible thought. I hoped and prayed that I would see him again, but I know the reality of the life he leads and what he, as a Marine, is all about. After the first time he was wounded, thoughts plagued my head with I will never see him again. That call is one I will never forget for the rest of my life. I can tell you exactly where I was standing, what I was doing when the call came and what I was looking at. I can still hear the conversation from us playing in my head. I live that day over and over again. Add the visual of the video I have seen with my own eyes. Of him blowing up, the Marine (Iceman) and the tree taking the brunt of the IED. My fears intensifies I had and still have. The nightmares still come all to easy, all the while Sniper is sound asleep next to me. The second time he was wounded and called (plus all the close calls, bumps, scraps and bruises) had me thinking I now know for sure, I had seen him for the last time on January 25th at 0815. I had prepared myself for the worst. My head played nasty games with me the whole time and had me wondering "How am I going to make it without him?" "How am I going to live my life without him in it?" "I know I made him a promise, but can I really go on without him?" The third time he was WIA just a mere few weeks from coming home. This one I never received a call from him about. I heard it from someone else. At this point I had stopped feeling anything, but being numb inside. How do you shut this off? How do you change directions from all the fears you harbor only a short time ago? How do you have your mind comprehend and adjust to everything is ok now? You don't. It's not a light switch you can just shut off. My mind daily is still playing tricks on me. I know he is home safe and sound. I see him with my own eyes, I can touch him, I can feel him, but I can't get those fears out of my head. I lay in bed at night and just watch him sleep. I just stare at him and hold on for dear life. Every time one of us leaves the house, my fears hit me square in the chest. I start reliving those times all over again. I look at the pictures of this last deployment, I hear some of the stories and ordeals he went through and it always takes every ounce of strength I have to not lose it in front of him. I just want to hold on to him and never let go. There are days and times I am still sad, depressed and cry for no reason at all. My mood is somber, melancholy. All it takes is a sound, song, thought or smell and it brings back the six months he was gone and what I was doing and where he was at. I look at him and just want to cry for everything he went through and sacrificed for us. I know time will heal the wounds that I harbor, because let's face it those left behind have there own wounds as well. We may not have been there and done that, but we were left with the unknown fear and constant worrying. Basically we were left behind, helpless. Looking back on the last 7 months our lives have changed, my life has changed. We will never be the same person we were before. With each deployment, Sniper has and will change as well. I will lose a bit of him every time . I also know, a piece of me will die as well each time. There is a part of us that dies inside and the innocence is long gone. This was my first deployment with him and I can almost guarantee it won't be the last. We have already been talking about another round. He has had sooo many close calls the last two times in Iraq and that is not counting him in Somalia all those years ago. I am afraid he has played to close to death with each and every deployment and death is knocking on the door and ready to come in. You won't hear me say I am not afraid, because quiet frankly it scares the piss out of me. I went through this one drug free, but drinking some nights way too much just to numb the pain. I will admit, before he left I did seek help to deal with my fears, I just thought I could handle it by myself and stopped going. Next time I won't be a fool. I will ask for help again and stick with it, because I KNOW I can't make it without it. At least not without being put in a looney bin. For him, I do know he will proudly stand and defend our Country. Even if it means he makes the ultimate sacrifice while providing this. That is what he is all about. And me, I will stand proudly beside him, supporting him 110%, keeping those homefires burning, putting on the same facade that everything in our world is perfect, and dying a little inside everyday. dyzgoneby Sniper, all I ask is if there is any way, shape or form, for you to give me a little time before you go for another round.

A Simple Lie Is Not So Simple

My family is one again. This weekend I have them all together. Sniper, Bubba, Lego Man & Drama Queen. Damn that is a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I am soaking it ALL up. Sniper and I have been talking about my blog, this one. He is hoping, now that I know he reads it, that I won't continue to hold back or even start to. That I let my feelings still shine through. Don't worry, I won't. He knows how I feel and this is still my outlet. Something that is still bothering me inside is a incident that happened last weekend. Saturday, him and Wingman show up and I could see right off the bat something was amiss. Something had pissed him off to know end. It's not something I will talk about, it's personal and wasn't aimed at me. So we will leave it at that. We made plans to meet up with another one of there friends, Cooter, at a local bar. A little background on Cooter. She was a Corpsman, deployed with the two of them the first time they were in Iraq. She has since gotten out and now lives up here where I live. I have heard many stories from them about her. She will always be there "Doc." Something I didn't know is, she was the Doc (and Wingman), that saved Sniper's life. Her and Wingman, were the one that tried to save GySgt Reeder. We met up with her (it was nice to finally put a face with the one that will also forever hold a special place in my heart, right along the side of Sniper & Wingman) and a few other former Marines and a Ex-Ranger. I sat back, listened and watched these Marines connect like no other way than those that have been there can do. I listened to the stories they told. I will always be the outsider around them, but I don't fret, I will always be the one who holds a special place in his heart, standing proudly right next to him. The male to female ratio in this place was way off (3-4 males to 1 female). T and I kept going up to the bar and taking shots, Sniper had few stiff drinks and a shot as well. Sniper kept a very close eye on us every time we walked away. He had good reasons to. Men just don't get it, when you, a female, are with someone to keep there mouths shut and hands to themselves. We had a one in paticular that just didn't get it. He was sitting right next to all of us. One of the times I walked by, he had the balls to ask if he could "grab my ass." Not a very smart guy. This guy kept flirting with T and I. Damn I could feel and see where this was going to get us. Sniper was still already strung tight and he is extremely protective of me. I didn't want things to go south. I kept Sniper in the dark, but I let Wingman know exactly what was going on and made sure I stayed close to the two of them. Then I decided to play a game and marked my territory hoping this guy would get the point. No I didn't jump all over him, I just gave him a very passionate kiss. This is not something I normally would do, but I wanted to get my point across. Sniper knew, something was amiss right then and there. That is when things got ugly with us, him & I, right there in the bar. He asked me in that tone he uses all to well, "What the f*ck is going on?" That is where I made a huge mistake. I looked him right in the eyes and flat out lied to him. I kept telling him over and over, everything was fine and nothing was going on. The guy was sitting right behind him and he figured it out. Sniper told me "Let's go, NOW!!!" We left and I didn't think it would or could get any worse. BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! We got into the truck and that is when he let me have it with both barrels. I have never heard that voice or tone from him towards me or even aimed at another person. Wingman turned the radio up real loud to drown him out. It was ugly. I knew I was in deep shit when he used my first name. My full name. Then he came four inches from my face and yelled at me. Something I never expected to hear out of his mouth, that "if I lie to him one more time, it's through between us." My heart just dropped and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Those words crushed and devastated me. However, I never backed down from my position. I held my face close to his and locked my eyes on his. I told him I would do it again in a heartbeat in the same situation. He was wound tight and I wanted him to come home with me and didn't want anything to happen. Yes, I know he could take care of himself, but that was not the point. He feel asleep not to long after that on the way home. That is when I let my tears fall and they fell hard. I didn't realize how hard I was crying until T turned around and held my hand. We got home and I ran upstairs before he could see me. I didn't want him to know how much it hurt me. How hard it was for me to look him in the eye and flat out lie to him. Wingman came upstairs, grabbed me, danced a slow dance with me, just held on to me and let me cry it out. Wingman & I talked for a long time. Sniper ended up passing out in our bathroom. I went upstairs to check on him and ended up passing out next to him, still crying my eyes out. We both slept on the bathroom floor that night. I wanted to stay close to him. I knew Sniper was wound tight before we left and had a lot on his mind. He has a temper and you add PTSD with it, I knew things would and could get ugly real fast. I just never expected it to be me it would have been aimed at. Since that night, it is still bothering me. I keep replaying the whole scene in my mind. Not his temper. I don't ever worry about him hurting me physically. That's not his nature. But that I looked him in the eyes and lied to him. It hurts me to know how much I hurt him with a lie, a simple lie. I have never lied to him before. We have talked it out and things are good between us. He would never leave me and I would never leave him. We are just having lots of firsts on issues that in 15 1/2 years that has never happened between us. Life has changed us. This deployment has changed us both. dyzgoneby Sniper, I am sorry I lied to you. Even if I felt I was justified, it was still a lie. Something I have never done to you before. Something that has hurt us both deeply. I will always be open and honest with you, but (you knew that was coming) I felt it was justified. Our love for each other continues to grow stronger by the minute and I look forward to our life together. I will always love you forever and a day with all my heart, body and soul.

Days Are Coming Closer

As the days to Sniper's leave are coming closer to an end, reality is starting to set in again. We have both enjoyed spending this time together. It's been wonderful having him home. Yes Sniper home, "our" home. It's been wonderful getting up in the morning and having him there right next to me. It's been wonderful coming home at night to the man I love. Coming home and getting that much needed hug and kiss after a long day at work has been comforting. Looking into his eyes and feeling all the love we have for each other. Soon, a phone call will have to suffice. It's been wonderful climbing in to our bed at night and cuddling up next to him. Hopefully, this will only be for a few months and then he will be home with us, his family. We have been spending the last couple of weeks looking at a house, a home for "us." It wasn't something we planned, but something we stumbled upon. The house is absolutely beautiful and we both feel in love with it. It is a home perfect for us to raise our family in, grow in, plenty of room for a family of five maybe even six. No I am NOT pregnant, even thought I dream about what it would be like to have a child with the only one who ever mattered in my life. However, we both years ago made a decision that will not allow us to allow this to happen. Wingman might be the sixth one. All in all, we are hoping it works out and we will have a new home, our home. It has me realizing how much I am going to miss him when he goes back to Camp Pendleton. It has me thinking about how lonely and heartbreaking it is going to be when life goes back to the way it was. How hard it is going to be to say "good-bye" if only temporary. My heart is already breaking thinking about it and let's face it, it's hard NOT to think about reality. Until then, I will cherish this time, no matter how short it is becoming with him. We have grown closer to each other in the last 3 weeks then I could have ever imagined. My love for him continues to grow stronger by the day. How is that possible? I never fathomed that one. Standing next to him I can feel the love we have radiate off of the both of us. We are still adjusting to "us." Life is not perfect and we will always have these adjustments, issues, heated discussions (this one has been interesting to say the least) and lots of love to give each other. Rather it is issues from him deploying, him coming home from a deployment, something the Marine Corps threw his way or just your everyday run of the mill life in general. We will take it head on, together. dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart and saying good-bye if only temporary is going to be hard at the end of the month. We will just have to look deep inside our hearts, to hold on to the distance that will separate us.

Update on.....Well Us

The last few weeks I KNOW I haven't blogged much. It is not for a lack of material on my part. There is plenty. It is just that Sniper is home with me (and Wingman) & I will be damned if I am going to spend my extra free time (whatever the hell that is) sitting here typing. Besides if he sees me doing this, him or Wingman just might kick the shit out of me. Well, not really, but I like my ass where it is and don't need another good chewing out. Yes, over the last few weeks I have had to grow a new one from the ass chewings. Life has been very crazy in the house with not one, but two Marines. I am going to have to get used to it. I don't see it changing anytime soon and Wingman just may become a permanent part of our household soon anyway. Yep, our house just may have 5 kids and me living in it (Sniper, Wingman, Bubba, Lego Man and Drama Queen). I bet you can see how much joy it will be with all the testosterone in our household. Then again me on PMS might just scare them all away......nah, I wouldn't want to do that. Life would be boring. Things with Sniper and I are doing exceptionally well. The house is stocked with beer, lots of good food (where ever we end up at night) and plenty of "us" time. Yep, "we" are adjusting to us again. I am loving it!!!!! I feel like a little girl falling in love for the first time, but the cool thing is, it is with the man of my dreams. My days I am still working and studying, but the night time is for family. I have been burning the candle at both ends. I am lucky if I hit the rack before 0100 and back up by 0530. Not much sleep here. We only have a couple more weeks together before we go back to the life we had before deployment (every 4 weeks). In the meantime I am just going to soak up ever hour I can. Ok, off to study and ummmm work, since that is where I am at. dyzgoneby

Tribute Gunnery Sgt Edward Reeder

KIA August 21, 2004 Edward Reeder, 32, of Camp Verde, Ariz., died in Iraq's Al Anbar province after his Humvee flipped over and ejected him when it was struck by a tank. Reeder was born in Flagstaff and grew up on northern and central Arizona ranches. He joined the Marines after graduating from high school in Camp Verde in 1990. He was assigned to the Headquarters and Service Battalion, 1st Force Service Support Group, 1st Marine Expeditionary Force at Camp Pendleton. He is survived by a wife and two children. Pat Potter recalls her great-nephew’s pet raccoon he had when he was 10 years old and a messy day the animal and its owner had years ago. "The raccoon chased the cat down the chimney, and they had soot all over his house, and he had to clean up all the soot," Potter said of Edward Reeder. "My favorite memory is of him and his raccoon." After he graduated from high school in 1990, Reeder joined the Marines. His career led to service in Bosnia, Liberia, Somalia and the Persian Gulf. "I think he decided that was what he wanted to do," Potter said. "His father was a cowboy, and maybe the military was a way out of ranch life." He had two children with his wife, Christine, 10-month-old Jarrett and 4-year-old Sarah Ruth. "He couldn’t have died doing a better thing," his wife said. Sniper - You, GySgt Reeder and his family are in my thoughts and prayers today. I will never forget that fateful day. It will be forever etched into my heart and mind, as I know it is with you. Godspeed GySgt Reeder "People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad." ~Marcel Proust dyzgoneby

For Your Enjoyment, "Marines, Kicking Ass"

Warning, this one is Graphic!!! OOHRAH!!!

Some Reading Material for Ya'll

Yes, I am sitting here typing on this silly thing. Yes, I should be studying and that I will today. I don't want Sniper (or even Wingman) coming after me after all. I do value my ass and I don't like ass chewings. They kinda hurt and are no fun. Just some interesting news I found this morning while trying to shake the cobwebs out of my head.....and when will the MSM give up (aahh never) Marines destroyed evidence in Hadithah (Give it up! They are INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY! Not the other way around.) NEW YORK — Marines being investigated in the killings last fall in Hadithah of two dozen Iraqis, most if not all of them civilians, appear to have destroyed or withheld evidence, The New York Times reported. Putting the Iraq War on Trial When he refused to deploy to Iraq in June, Army Lt. Ehren Watada said he was following his conscience and upholding his duty not to obey illegal orders. But that didn't impress military officials, who promptly charged him with violating Army rules and sent him on a path toward a likely court-martial. More Americans Regret Iraq War - Many adults in the United States think their government made a mistake in launching the coalition effort, according to a poll by CBS News. 53 per cent of respondents think the U.S. should have stayed out of Iraq, up five points since July OK, The Postive Stuff, because lets face it, the above shit just makes me sick to my stomach....... 172nd Stryker Soldiers discover huge weapons cache BAGHDAD – Soldiers from 172nd Stryker Brigade Combat Team, Multi-National Division – Baghdad, detained two suspected terrorists and seized a large weapons cache in a warehouse during a search of Nur and Ghazalyia Friday in support of Operation Together Forward. Officials see positive trend in Baghdad BAGHDAD – The Iraqi people will need to play a role in building off the momentum of recent positive trends in Baghdad, said Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, Multi-National Force - Iraq spokesman, during a weekly operational update briefing. Operations target al-Qaida in Iraq BAGHDAD - Operations by Iraqi and Coalition forces this week resulted in the capture of well over 100 known and suspected terrorists and terrorist associates during nine raids between Aug. 11 and 18. Grandma, 41, Among Army's Older Recruits FORT JACKSON, S.C. (Aug. 19) - Margie Black had wanted to enter the military as a teenager, but having her first child at 19 put off her ambitions. So when she learned the Army raised its enlistment age, Black, now a 41-year-old grandmother from West Columbia, Texas, didn't hesitate to join. The decision took "about 30 seconds," she said. Now off to study..... dyzgoneby

Thinking Out Loud

I am still here. I haven't gone anywhere, just been very busy. I haven't really had anything really witty or interesting to say. I have been studying a lot more, spending time with the munchkins and spending some much needed time with the love of my life.....Sniper. Life is good. I haven't even been searching my favorite blogs like I was the last few months. Not much time and Sniper might just kick my ass if I keep spending the same amount of time on the computer like I was. At least until I pass my Exam. However, I have popped into a few and I am trying to keep up with those who have loved ones coming home soon or there loved one have came home in the last few months. For those who have came home from Iraq, I have noticed lately, there is lots of readjusting issues and issues with PTSD. Readjusting is hard for all of us. Yes, those that have been deployed to hell and back it is pure hell. I am not trying to diminish this fact in anyway. Those of us left behind and trying to readjust to having are loved one gone to a war zone, being shot out, wounded, endless worrying if tonight we are going to get a knock on the door, taking care of a family at home, trying to put on the facade nothing is bothering us and then him back home is also hard. Just on a different level. We, couples are learning each other all over again, how to communicate, work together as one again. Our men have learned to shut off there feelings and emotions. This is how they survived, but we did this as well. Once home, we all have to re-learn to open up those lines of communications. It takes time and lots (and lots) of patience. It takes taking a deep breath and trying not to lose control. You add PTSD to the mix and it can be interesting to say the least. We (as females) can continue to hold back, afraid our loved one might explode. There tempers are much shorter than before. They can go from happy go lucky to extremely pissed in zero to 2.2 seconds for the smallest things. But, you need to remember who the man is you feel in love with and that he is still there. He is still the same man, just a little rougher around the edges. Do not hold back what you are feeling. The reason this has me thinking is I think I might have given Sniper the perception that I am afraid of him. Which is the farthest from the truth. I am not afraid of him. I know he would never hurt me, physically or emotionally. That's just not the man he is. I just don't want his anger pointed at me, but isn't that what we all want as a female. We try to cuddle and we want to make everyone around us happy. Hmmmm, just thinking out loud here. I know things will never be the same as before. None of us can go back and change what has transpired through a deployment with them or within yourself. However, I think with working hard as a couple things can be better. Follow me here. When our loved one is deployed, all we have is communication. That's it, nothing else. Most of the times, it pulls you closer together as a couple. You learn to communicate more than most civilian couples. You learn to work together as a team, through the miles. You learn to make the most of everyday and make each of them count as if it was your last one. Reality is, it just might be the last days together. We all know this reality all too well. Once home, why should it be any different? Once you get through the re-adjustment issues, even if that means seeking help (him, you or together), your relationship can be stronger than before. Just thinking out loud here......now off to study. dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart. I will always be standing proudly beside you. Even if that means another tour in Iraq. I will be here, simply because I love you and everything you stand for as a man and yes, as a Marine. I do understand.

More Adjustments From Me

I have always been extremely independent. I have never really had anyone in my life that I could let my guard down and rely on, even friends. I have always been the stronger person in my relationships. I always made the decisions with my life and that was the way it was. I say something and that is how it was done. Simply, I have always wore "the pants." I know I have made really crappy decisions (until now) with the men in my life. It was just the way it was. With Sniper it has always been different. I know I can rely on him for anything. He does what he says he is going to do and I never have to worry. I can tell him exactly how I feel and don't have to worry about his perceptions of me. I can be silly, funny, sad, angry, etc. We are friends first and foremost. Basically, I can be "me" and he loves me who I am. Before the deployment I could talk to him and tell him exactly what was on my mind. When he deployed I started "sheltering" him with "how I was doing." When he would ask "How was I doing" or "How I was holding up" or "How things were going." I gave him my typical response "fine" or "ok." I didn't want him to worry about me. I know he does any way, but I wanted him to stay focused. I didn't want him to lose sight. He had missions to complete and didn't need the added stress. Or so I thought. I didn't tell him I would stay in my room for days on end and not come out. There where weekends I would sit and drink by myself to oblivion. Yes, days on end. There were days and weeks I would cry for endless hours worrying about him. At one point I was up to smoking 3 packs a day and I didn't think that was possible. I never told him how lonely and how heartbroken I was. I never told him, there were days I didn't think I would make it through the deployment. Not that I would leave him, I just felt I would rather life swallowed me up. I never told him truly how I was feeling. I eventually pulled up my big girl panties and carried on, but I still had those really crappy days. I never told him after the break-in how truly shaken up it has made me. How scared shitless I really was and am. How I spent the first two months locked in my room at night and wouldn't come out for anything, even food. (I was ok when the kids where home, but I have spent more nights without anyone here, than with). I still have nights I jump, grab my weapon and play Rambo through out the house. (The last time was a this last week). I still sleep with it locked and loaded right next to my head. I still lock myself in my room and don't come out until the morning. I'm not as bad as I was, but the fear is still there. I "sheltered" him on more than I should have. Right or wrong, I just did. I took that part of our communication and shut him off/out. Those of you out there who have been going through this or went through this now exactly what I mean. Since he has been home I am still doing the same thing. Last night we sat up in the wee hours of the morning, talking for awhile (via phone). He has been reading my blog and hadn't read it in awhile and saw what I posted here. I am still sheltering him. Instead I have came here and wrote how I am feeling or wrote in my journal. Why? I don't want him to worry about me (again, yes Sniper I know you will anyways). I want him to be able to re-adjust to life back home without the added stress. However, he told me "I can't re-adjust without you." That was a wake-up call. He's right. I have to communicate with him on "How I am doing." It's a two-way street that I can't continue to only let it be a one-way. I didn't realize that with him being home I would have my own re-adjustment issues. I never would have assumed it would be me. I just thought it would have been him. dyzgoneby Sniper, I am sorry I keep taking decisions out of your hands and making them for the both of us. As I promised you, I won't "shelter" you anymore. I did what I did because it is my nature to shelter and protect those I love. I know you are fierce like a lion, a very strong man and won't break.

Leap of Faith

Sometimes in life we have to take a "Leap of Faith" and know we are doing something in the grand scheme of things that is for our own good. We have to know there is something bigger out there that is just around the corner, you just have to take a chance. Life is all about chance and the roll of the dice. A friend of mine (she knows who she is) is taking that leap of faith and putting it into someone else's hands. Her and I have been talking for awhile about it. "Marine at Heart" know you are in my thoughts often and have been a good friend. You have have got me thinking alot about this lately. If I hadn't made that "Leap of Faith" with Sniper, we wouldn't be where we are today. I would still be wondering "What if?" I would still be crying my eyes out knowing how much I love him. I would still be dreaming what life "would have and should have been like." It took me 14 years of torture on my soul and shear hell, but....now I don't have to wonder anymore. I know what and where my life is going with us. I know what I would have missed if we hadn't taken the chance. Would we have made it back then to now? Probably, but we will never know and can't change the past. We can only change the future. I am not going to look back anymore, ponder, dwell, and contemplate over this. It is what it is. Life had a different plan and direction for us during this time. Sniper is my life. He is the first and only man I have ever loved. Ever. There has never been another person that has touched my soul to the core like he has. There has never been another person who has made me feel complete or whole as him. I have never let anyone as close to me as he is. He is the only one who I have been able to talk to and let my guard down with. He is everything and means the world to me. The love we have only comes around once in a lifetime. We truly are soulmates. Yes, our story or life is somewhat of a Fairytale. We got a second chance and this does not happen very often. Take that "Leap of Faith" today. Never look back on life and wonder "what if." Do something about it. Take that chance. What do you have to lose? Enjoy each and every day with "One Life and No Regrets." dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart body and soul! You really are my world.

Still on My Rant Here

So again I forewarn you again, MY MOUTH RUNITH OVER. "Democrats say plot shows Iraq war a diversion" What the Fuck? I am not making this shit up people. These crazy left wing, dingbats are fucking insane. "Five years after 9-11, it is clear that our misguided policies are making America more hated in the world and making the war on terrorism harder to win," Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts said. What the fuck are you smoking Senator Kennedy? Are you fucking for real? Some one needs to put this fucking miserable bastard in his place. Any takers? IRAQ FOCUS QUESTIONED But Bush's foe in the 2004 election, Sen. John Kerry' of Massachusetts, said America was "not as safe as we can and must be" and in part blamed the president's focus on Iraq. "This event exposes the misleading myth that we are fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here. In fact, the war in Iraq has become a dangerous distraction and a profound drain on our financial and military resources," Kerry said What the fuck? A dangerous distraction? A dangerous distraction for who? Us getting blown up here in America? What about before 9/11? What about The first World Trade Center bombing? Were we living in fucking la-la land and that just was a figment of our imagination. Did you forget Senator Kerry this didn't just "happen" when President Bush took office. This has been going on for years. You fucking left wing assholes, being pussies is what got us to where we are today. What about the US Cole? Was that just some made up bullshit too? Again, what about 9/11? HELLO FUCKING PEOPLE!!!! Any one fucking out there, that get's it? Our world is changing and unless we stand up to these Fuckers/Terrorists, our life is over as we know it. Rant not over, just need to work. Expect much more from this VERY PISSED OFF AMERICAN! dyzgoneby

British: Foiled Plot Possibly Days Away

CAUTION MY MOUTH IS RUNNING OVER AND I AM LETTING LOOSE LIKE A MARINE. I FOREWARNED YOU..... All of you by now have heard about the "British: Thwarted plot involved 10 jets ." If you haven't get your fucking head out of the sand and wake the fuck up! When is it that the Left wing, MSM, dick head people like John Murthafucker going to "get it?" The threats are real. We aren't living in a sheltered, tree hugging, everyone is happy go lucky, playing kissy faces with each other world. These people want to fucking kill us! They want us all dead!!! Oh what the fuck am I thinking *slaps head on forehead*, "It's all President Bush's fault." He was behind the latest attack that was stopped. Him and the Republicans planned it all. President Bush has been behind it all from the day he took his oath.....Ya fucking right! Wake the fuck up people!!!! This is real and you bet your ass 9/11 it is going to happen again unless we stop playing these pansy ass games and start kicking the shit out of these terrorists. Too many people have forgotten what happened on that tragic day. Too many people forgot that we, WE were attacked. We didn't provoke this. They came after us and they will keep coming back. Unless we stand up and say enough. We are not going to tolerate this anymore. We will hunt each and everyone of the terrorist down and kill them. YES KILL THEM ALL and if some civilians get in the way, that's just to fucking bad. It's either them or us. I am extremely grateful, men like Sniper are standing guard to protect our Freedom. I am extremely thankful he is not a pussy and defends this Country. Our Country! He has given more than most will ever understand, know or even fucking get off there comfy couches while sipping there lattes and sacrifice. I just wish we, yes we as a Country, a Super Power, would just shut the fuck up, stop playing politically correct games and do what needs to be done "Stop fucking around and let our Military kill these MOTHER FUCKERS!" Also, if I hear one more person bitch about the security measures the US authorities have taken, I am going to take Sniper's weapon and shove it up there ass and pull the trigger. Thankfully some people aren't' that fucking dumb.....then again try me. dyzgoneby Rant over for now...

Just a Simple Life Around the Casa

Life is settling back into some what of a "normal" (what ever the hell that might be) for me since Sniper returned from the shitbox, oh I mean sandbox, oh I mean hell hole, oh f*ck it, since he came home from helping the Iraqi's gain there freedom and kicking some major Haji ass. Oohrah! He is still up in Washington enjoying his two youngest boys until this weekend. Tomorrow I am dropping off Bubba at the airport to join his dad and little brother's for the weekend. The four of them should have a wonderful time together. It's been a few years since the four of them have been together. As for me, the next few weeks are going to be crazy again. Oh what joy. Sniper coming back here for a few days, back down to Camp Pendleton for a few days, back up here for another two weeks and then the both of us at the end of the month going back down to Camp Pendleton. I will be staying almost a week with him. Just the two of us and oh ya, Wingman (luv ya too). Back to life as I knew it. Late nights or all nighters, drinking, good conversations and oh wait, I can't tell you the rest of where this was going, but you get it. I can't wait! Amongst all of this, I am still studying for my Series 7, spending some much needed "mommy" time with my munchkins and back to running. My ankles are doing better. I know I wasn't supposed to start running until September, but I feel fine. Do you hear that Sniper, I feel fine. I am taking it easy.....sorta. Remember "No Pain, No Gain" or "Pain is weakness leaving the body." I have pushed out my test until September 26th. I realized I am not ready, but getting there. The material is starting to actually sink in. It might have something to do with the fact of not worrying about the "next phone call" from Sniper in Iraq and what it will entail. Then again I am still worried about him. Just on a different level. It's nice to be back to the land of the "Oh my f*cking God how am I going to get through this shit." Uncle Jim, I can now drop and give you another 20 for procrastinating again on the studying. Off for a run, then it's study time for me..... dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart. I promise to be careful.

Farewell Marine

Please take the time to view this beautiful tribute to our Marines. I received this from a Marine mom and wanted to pass it along. I will forewarn you, tissue alert.... dyzgoneby

It's Hard to Be a Soldier and Harder to be a Marine

This was sent to my email the other day from an email list I am on from Save The Soliders. I for one am very thankful for all they do for us. dyzgoneby

Show Some Support

One of the first few milibloggers I started reading, oh so long ago, was Jack Army. I was drawn in and captivated with him when he was serving his country as a recruiter for the Army. I watched and read him, his wife "Jill Army" and his family go from recruiting, the wraths of Katrina (in the midst's of moving), PCS'ing to Hawaii and now he has deployed to Iraq. He is looking for people who are "Willing to Adopt" one of his soldiers. Most of them are young and single. Please, go support him and his Soldiers. Also, go show his sister "Poop, Paxil, & Pagentry" aka Katy, some support. She just found out her husband will be deploying, as well to Iraq, in October. Thank you Jack and your family for all you are doing for our Country. Your family gives a new meaning to being a "Military Family" and all you all are doing to provide "The Blanket of Freedom" for our Country. My prayers are with ya'll for a safe return to Jack Army and Katy's hubby. This American prouldy supports you all. Go kick some Haji ass! dyzgoneby

Why am I still wanting to hide?

For a few days I was fine. I felt like things were going back to normal. Sniper leaves for a few days and I seem to have fallen back to wanting to hide. I spent this weekend holed up in my room and didn't leave. I ignored 95% of my phone calls. Sniper's was the only one's I answered, but it was until after the 4th or 5th call and then it was when he called the house phone. I know this is bothering him that I haven't answered on the first call. When he was in Iraq, I answered every phone call from him. My cell phone went every with me (even when I took a shower). Now, I just seem to leave it behind. Where ever it falls is where it stays. I did do some studying, but not as much as I should have. I sat, listened to music and just stared at the blank walls around me. Completely lost in thoughts. I just don't get it......He's home, so why can't I stop worrying? dyzgoneby

Why? Simply put, we are not alone.

I wanted to give ya'll some clarification as to "why" I write or whine on here. This world we "the other side" live in, really is a small community. Then you take not living near a Military base where the support is closer. I live hundreds of miles away from anyone that understands what the life is like. Friends and family just don't get it. They have absolutely no understanding of any of it. The struggles. The hardships. The loneliness. The heartaches. The ups & downs of this life. The highs and lows of your loved one in harms way. The never ending of not knowing what is coming next. I started writing this to reach out for support, via this great forum of communication, technology. I have found I am in no shape or form alone. I have found others who are going through this with me or have been through what I am going through. I have found a huge support system to help me endure. I have made several friends along the way, I never would have meet other wise. In other words I am far from being alone. I have touched others lives and comforted them in ways I never knew one could. The emails I have received have kept me in awe every time I receive them. It has given me a new understanding and appreciation of the American People and the Military life. I could write or paint a picture about how "rosy" this life I live in and Sniper lives in is. However, that is not always true. Those who have been there understand what I am talking about. Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful and supportive of what he and other's provide for our freedom. There are just so many sacrifices that they and the other's left behind give. The fact that I (lil' ol' me) have supported other's and other's have supported me, is what keeps me going. So, yes I may whine, rant or just make you think WTF is she talking about, but it gives other's a reassuring voice they are not alone. We are never alone. Don't worry, I will continue to write on what this life is like. The good (we all know that the MSM isn't going to give you this perspective), the bad and the really ugly part of it. I know as of late I have whined more, but it gives me an outlet to speak out to other's that are going through this that "Simply put, you are not alone. " dyzgoneby

Adjustments and Ramblings

Trying to get back to life as I know it is slow going. Sniper has been up here for a few days and now is up in Washington visiting his boys (enjoy your time sweetheart with the boys, you deserve it). This last week I was having a conversation with SM (Sniper's Mom) about the first week and a half Sniper has been home and how I was feeling. How down and depressed I had been. I went almost the first week and a half walking around like a zombie. Ignoring phone calls, not wanting to talk to anyone and crying endlessly. She told me, "Dyz, it's been a let down for you. It's not what you expected. It never is. It will get better, I promise." I am hoping, but not holding my breath. I have read about what to expect being reunited and returning to some normalcy in life after your other half has been deployed. I thought I had prepared myself and thought I could handle anything thrown my way. My heart just assumed we would fall right back to the way things were before his deployment, but my head knew better. It's never what you expect, no matter how prepared you think you are. Life had a different direction for me and I couldn't handle it. I am adjusting and doing better now. Once Sniper came home this week (where his family & I live), life went back to some what of the way it was before deployment. We have enjoyed the last few days with each other. I still had to work, but at night I was able to enjoy "us" and his family. The other night we (Sniper, Bubba, Bubba's girlfriend & I) went to the movies at 2220. Sidenote....do not, do not waste your money on seeing "Miami Vice" It has to be one of the lamest, dumbest, incredibly stupid movies I have ever seen. Then you count the blowing shit up with one just returning from the shitbox. Ya, lots of fun for him. We didn't get back to my house until 0145 (I had to be up at 0500 and work by 0730). We both decided to say "f*ck it" and pulled an all nighter. It was well worth every ounce of sleep deprivation I went through at work. We had a wonderful "us" evening. We both needed it. He did make a comment though, where is all the beer you told "Uncle Jim" that would be here? Opps! I now have the fridge fully stocked with his beer. Changes I have noticed. His temper is a little shorter or maybe I am just seeing more. He is more vocal and isn't putting up with as much bullshit anymore. Conversations between us that result in "we won't go there" or "you don't want to go there." Life has changed us both over the last 6 months. We have never in 15 1/2 years had an argument, heated discussions or "stressing getting one's point across." This one is changing slowly. We woke up his mom the other night with him telling me (in that Marine tone, just a little raised) "you don't want to go there with me." Oh yes I do....but I kept quiet and ended up just letting it go. Sniper, you know what I am talking about and yes it is making this weekend incredibly difficult on me. I am trying to be understanding and supportive, but this is not easy. Reverse our roles. So forgive me if I wallow in some self pitty, have a somewhat pissy attitude, quiet, solem and drink a little too much this weekend. It's always been interesting and becoming more interesting by the day, because I am just as stubborn at him, we both have a temper and I am having to relent (my personal decision) and just let shit go a lot more. At least I am trying to. Another adjustment for me. A positive change, we have grown a lot closer through all of this. I didn't think we could get any closer, boy was I wrong. We have always been great in the communication department. Now, it has been turned up a few more notches. Is that possible? What it boils down to? Life is too short and we take nothing for granted. OK, off to study here, before I get another "stern" talking to. Damn that man knows how to get his point across. dyzgoneby Sniper, I am looking to growing old (110) with you, celebrating are 50th wedding anniversary, enjoying our grandkids together and living in our dream house. My love for you grows stronger by the minute and I didn't think that was even possible. I love you with all my heart, body and soul.

Light Blogging for the Next Few Days

Sniper is officially on leave and is up visiting here in Sunny Northern Cali. On his way to his parent's house tonight he stopped by to say hi to the kids and & I first. It was a nice surprise. My munchkins haven't seen him since Christmas time. He made two little kids very happy. He didn't stay long, just enough for some hugs and kisses all around. He went to kiss me & drama queen grabbed the camera. She took the picture above. After a few pics, she ran out of the room yelling yuck. We both laughed as Sniper told her get used to it, you will see it 8 billion times again in your lifetime. Uncle Jim, notice the beer. Yep, I gave him the only beer I had in the house. It wasn't what he normally drinks, but it was all I had. I guess I will be stocking up again. I got rid of it all, (threw it away. What can I say, he wasn't home and I don't drink it), when he deployed. I promise to take lots of pictures over the next few days. Dyzoneby Enjoying having her man at home, well a close as we can get.

The End of Homecoming, Day 4

I finally slept the night before. The exhaustion of the week, the adrenal I was running on, having Sniper home safe and sound, and healing finally caught up with me. It was the first time in a two weeks I slept longer than a few hours (unless you count the 2 days of a drug induced sleep). We got up at 0850. Damn that felt good. Sleeping with the man of my dreams. We grabbed our cups of joe and headed outside for our morning smoke. We weren't out there more than a few minutes when we look over and see Red pull up behind us. Red had just drove back from dropping her boys off in Kansas and wanted to see Sniper when she pulled into town. Red and Wingman were married for a long time and going through a divorce now. In the midst of all of this, Red is getting out of the Navy and moving back home to Kansas. She is a Corpsman that was deployed last year to Afghanistan and will be leaving soon. I also as afraid that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye before I left to come home. She made it home in time. The three of us spent a few hours shooting the shit and enjoying each other's company. Red left and I knew the inevitable was coming. I had to pack my shit and get ready to go home. I wasn't ready to leave. I wanted to stay there forever and not leave Sniper. I knew he was ready for me to go home. He needed time for himself. I wasn't ready for reality though. He dropped me off at the airport and here we are...........This deployment and his homecoming is officially over. dyzgoneby