Homecoming, Day 3 (Saturday)

Bubba had decided he wanted to do something "fun" with his dad. Go to the Beach and surf. So that's where we went. We all head out at 0830 to Hunington Beach. Sniper decided he wanted to drive. Oh shit! He drove to grandma's house on Friday, but was distracted the whole way there, damn cell phone. Then again that was a good thing. I sat upfront with him, holding his hand. I could see him flinch when cars came too close. Things on the side of the road, he held tighter to my hand (still hearing the song in my head "When I'm Gone"). I have to say that was the longest 30 minute drive I have ever had. My hand was completely numb by the time we arrived at our destination. That was fine, he knew I was there with him every step of the way. The weather was hotter than haties, but that morning it was chilly. Oh, and the water was a whopping 58 degrees. No frickin' way was I going near it. I kept thinking the whole time we were there, Sniper came 7,000 plus miles from hell to spend more time in the sand. Who in the f*ck wants to do that? He went in the water with Bubba and they had a good time together. However, when he got out 25 minutes later, he was colder then a witches tit. He stood there shivering for the remainder of the time. His body was adjusting to the difference in tempature from Iraq still. Don't worry, I held real tight to him. Body heat is wonderful. :) I knew he really didn't want to be there, but was making more sacrifices for everyone else. He will do anything for his family. When the f*ck is someone going to make a sacrifice for him? He sacrifces so much for his families happiness. He sacrifices so much of himself for our Country. For God's sake the man just came home from Iraq, from almost not coming home the same way he left. Some got it, but some didn't. I for one am making a sacrifice now for him and my family. Studying right now, giving up my family and life as I know it. Passing this exam is going to mean the world to our future. I want to give him a life without worries. We know the Marine Corps life has taken it's toll on his body. Besides, it doesn't pay shit. A life he can relax in and enjoy. He deserves it. Besides he tried telling me he wouldn't see me again until after I pass the exam in September. Well, we know how I responded....BULLSHIT!!!! Over my dead body. At this point, I knew Sniper was ready for everyone to go home to Northeren Cali. As in all of us, me included, to get the f*ck out of there. He had enough. He wanted to be alone. I understood as much as one can, but that wouldn't happen for a little longer. That night he made another sacrifce for his family. We spent the evening at a BBQ with friends from highschool. We enjoyed the company, but again I knew he didn't want to be there. He preferred spending the evening at his grandma's relaxing where it was quiet. He told me I needed to losen up a bit and relax. To have a few drinks and that I did. Honestly I was trying, but I was worried about him relaxing. I drank a bit that night. Ok, more than a bit, but he told me to losen up. Don't worry I wasn't inspecting the tile this time. We headed back over to grandma's and he said his good-byes to his family. If I had my bags at this point, he would have dropped me off at the airport. We joked about it, but I knew it wasn't a joke. Wingman, Sniper & I mounted out. Destination, Fallbrook. His temporary home. Oh ya, his homeless right now and will be staying with Wingman until he decides (err, the Marine Corps decides) where his next move is. This one on, I will keep you posted. dyzgoneby

The Twins

I wasn't going to blog about what else has transpired in the last few weeks, but I have changed my mind. I may decided not to keep it up, but will see. For years I have always wanted to enhance what I had. Two kids later and they didn't look the same. I didn't feel comfortable about them. I wasn't happy about myself. This was a personal decision for me and one I really wanted to do. Before Sniper deployed we had talked about having "The Twins" done while he was deployed. I wanted this done for myself, as much as for him (he is a man after all and a boob man at that). The plan was I would have them done this summer and have plenty of time to heal before he came home. You can see where this is going. I did lots of research and received several referrals from friends. It's amazing how many woman have had it done. I found a Plastic Surgeon I liked and scheduled surgery for July 14th. The plan has been in the works for months. If you haven't figured it out, this was one of the main reasons I had to quit smoking when I did. And we see how long that lasted....a few days after surgery and I was back into it full swing. When Sniper called on the 11th to tell me he would be home the following week, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with it. I was thinking about rescheduling for a month or two out. We talked about it and he was pretty adamant about continuing on as scheduled. As long as it was ok with my doc, I would continue on with the mission. "The Twins" were born on Friday, July 14th. I slept all weekend and drove down drugged out of my mind on Monday. It made some interesting conversation with his dad, his 16 year old son (Bubba) and his cousin T. The conversation was never dull. I was surprised, but by Tuesday I was living on Tylenol alone. When Sniper stepped off the bus, daddy was also introduced to "The Twins." It made it very interesting to give him that big huge hug. And yes, it hurt like hell and I had to whisper in his ear to let go a little. It made the week a little more interesting. Healing, not be able to do shit, can't lift anything, in pain and wanting to enjoy Sniper. Let's just say we worked around it and it didn't hinder much. I am a quick healer. Everyone around me knew I was doing this. When the shit hit the fan two weeks ago with him coming home, eveyone thought I was insane to have the surgery and then leave 4 days later. I look back now and maybe I was, but we decided this together and I don't regret the decision. Since I have been home I have had so many people ask me, "How does Sniper like the twins?" Well he loved them. Duh. But then again I can't wait for the healing to be over, to see him again and him to enjoy them. Again, it was a personal decision. Being a female, living in the world we live in (in California at that) and wanting to look good for my man. Wanting him to say "Oh shit, damn they look good." I didn't do anything crazy, I just had "The Twins" put back to where they were when Sniper and I were first together. So as you can see Homecoming was a wild week for us. dyzgoneby Welcome Home Sniper. I hope you enjoy our "Twins"

Homecoming Pics

Deployment Pics

Back to Reality

This week life went back to normal. As normal as one can be when there loved one has been through hell and trying to make his way back. It will be a long trip back. Then again, I don't think he will ever be back to the way he was before. There were too many demons this time around. I have said it many times through his deployment this time, it was harder then the others. He seen more and went through more, alone. He was the one who everyone relied on. The one everyone went to for anything, even personal issues they had. He....had no one. No one there for him to talk to, relate to. Everything he went through he did it alone. Then the beginning of June the shit hit the fan and he was truly even more alone than he was before. I am still not ready to talk about it, but soon. As for me, I am trying to go back to my "normal" routine. But what is that? My life pre-deployment was different. I knew what to expect. I had my friends. I had a job. I had my kids. I knew what to expect of "our" relationship. I knew when I would see him. I knew when I would talk to him. I knew what was coming. My life during the deployment was different. New job. New friends. New routines. Endless hours and days of worrying and stressing. Countless times wondering what was coming next. I learned to deal with the punches and blows and continue on. Where does my life go now? That is the million dollar question. I know where my job is heading. I know where my kids are. I know what to expect around the house. I am just adjusting to understanding how I handle or deal with the distance of "us." Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. "Our" relationship is not going anywhere. We are in it for the long haul (I would never leave that man and would fight to the death for him). Through the good times, the bad times and times like now. It's not in trouble. It's just different. I know it has only been a week, but it is hard not to worry. The distance in miles is harder than before to accept. Some of this stems from a conversation I had with Gunny when I came back from Homecoming. We talked about the next move for Sniper. Where the Marine Corps was sending him next.... 1. Recruiting Duty. This will be a long one that I am unsure if I like. 2. PCS'ng him somewhere else. Let's just say it could be a long way away from home. But, I will follow him anywhere the Marine Corps sends him 3. I don't want to think about it yet......yes, there is talk of another tour of Iraq already. God help me, I don't know how I can deal with that again, let alone him. 4. Not reenlisting and getting out. I highly doubt it though. 5. Unknown destination. This scares me as well. Gunny has a different outlook though. He was in 21 years. There when Beirut happened in 1983. Deployed, floats, westpac, countless times. The last time, he came home from being deployed, his wife of 14 years was gone with there kids and his stuff sitting in boxes (she moved to Texas). He knows how hard it is to live the "Marine Corps" life and lose everything you love. He talks all the time how he made soo many mistakes when it came to his family. If it wasn't for the life he choose he would still have his family. (Yes, he is remarried, but it's just different). He doesn't want "us" to experience this. He gave me some food for thought and told me to ponder a few question.....What about happiness for yourself? What about happiness for Sniper? What about having a family? What about enjoying life? What do you both want? The road you are going down is a long, heartbreaking, and lonely road. Why are you both doing this? I can answer for myself, but not for Sniper. I love him. Isn't that enough? These questions just keep going through my head though. I can't get them out of my head. This ended up taking a different direction then when I started...But in the end I wrote this to let those that are going through it or our getting ready for the re-adjustment period, what to expect. I read "Down Range" and that has helped. If you haven't figured it out yet, yes there are PTSD issues going on around here and this is just the beginning....... dyzgoneby adjusting to another life

Homecoming, Day 2

At homecoming I made Sniper's mom a promise. Since he was staying with us (Bubba, Wingman & me) I would have Sniper at his grandmother's house at zero dark thirty. Done. Her definition of zero dark thirty is before noon. She knows him well. We were out of the house by 0830. On the way out of town, we stopped back by the bar. Sniper wanted to show Retired MGySgt (A friend and the one who has his NCO Sword. He has been planning for the Marine Corps Birthday this year, cutting the cake with his sword in his honor. We will be there for it.) the video he made. MGySgt wasn't there, but he showed a few others. As I stood next to him, watching it, the realization of how lucky he was to be standing there got to me. How truly lucky he is. I couldn't watch the rest of the video. I walked outside and waited for him to come out. A few minutes pass and we load up to head out. I sat in the back and was very solemn and quiet. My tears started to fall. (The day before at homecoming I didn't really cry, at times just very quiet). With everyone in the car, I didn't want anyone to see. I put my sunglasses on and sat there quietly. The tears falling faster. The music in the background "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. I just sat there thinking how very close he came. All that he had been through the last six months. My emotions just got the best of me. Bubba looked over at me and grabbed my hand. I just stared out the window and held tight. Sniper noticed and asked what was wrong. I just kept telling him I was ok and my emotions are running on overdrive. It didn't take long before him and Wingman had me laughing. We made it by 1030. We did good, SM was happy. That night, was a Homecoming Party for him with all his family. His grandma, mom, sister and T made him his favorite meal, Mexican food. Let me tell ya, it is damn good. Everyone had a great time. Lots of family around. We were hanging out outside, drinking, smoking and enjoying the conversation. I kept watching him to see his reaction with being surrounded by so many people. I was very concerned he would be overwhelmed. I had been worrying for the last month how he would handle it. He held up ok, until the fireworks from Disneyland started going off. The house was about 5 minutes away. He jumped up and he headed into the house. Bubba and I right behind him. He sat down in a comfy chair and I sat next to him. His dad turned up the TV to try and drown out the sounds. It didn't help for shit. I knew he was exhausted and hadn't slept much in 5 days. I sat there rubbing his head and shoulders. Just my light touch. I kept watching him. I remembered him talking about the song "When I'm Gone" he put on his video and how he kept saying that song meant so much. I kept hearing the words in my head So hold me when I'm here Right me when I'm wrong Hold me when I'm scared And love me when I'm gone Everything I am And everything in me Wants to be the one You wanted me to be I'll never let you down Even if I could I'd give up everything If only for your good So hold me when I'm here Right me when I'm wrong You can hold me when I'm scared You won't always be there So love me when I'm gone It touched me to the core. I sat there with him for about an hour and a half. Just holding him. Touching him. My mind was racing. I wanted to comfort him so much more than I could, I knw I did though. I wanted to make the demons go away. I wished it could have been me that went through hell and not him. He finally feel asleep. That night we slept (I should say all of us, but him. Sleep doesn't come easy or often yet. Only time will heal.) in the middle of the living room. His parents right above are head, Bubba to his right and me, right next to him, holding his hand. I never did let go. We woke-up still holding hands. dyzgoneby

Homecoming, Day of

After we left the Parade deck, we decided to all go out to lunch to welcome him home. As we get in his truck to head out, another Marine gave that man another beer. As we are driving through base he pulls out these goofy glasses his Marines gave him before he left. (If you haven't figured it out already, he came home before them. That in itself is a whole other story. I might tell it soon, but let's just say Hadithah 2 without someone dying). He wanted a picture to send back to them in Iraq. This is what he looks like. A happy Marine with a beer, a smoke and some great music pumping through the truck. Shhh don't tell anyone we were driving on base with an open container. Then again I don't think he gave a rip. We head over to the restaurant where we are having lunch. Sniper still needed to change, but no one was sure where we were going. We stop at the restaurant and he jumps out of the truck and again this is what we see. His Grandfather (retired Marine Capitan) and him saluting. I have one before he left and we needed one when he came home. Just awesome. We head back to the pad so Sniper could change. We were on a time limit. As Sniper is changing, I look at him and realize how much weight he has lost. He looks great, but a little on the skinny side. He lost 41lbs this time. I haven't seen him that small in years. At the rate he was going, I was going to catch up with him if he stayed on schedule to come home March 2007. That's scary. Damn he looks yummy enough to eat, but we were on a schedule. That would have to wait. He wanted to stop by his bar for a beer & see an old friend on the way back to the restaurant. We didn't stay long. This is of T (his cousin), Wingman, me and my handsome Sniper. T took this pic and I didn't know it until we came home and swapped pics. She thought it was sweet. Me, it is more than that. I was comforting him with know one knowing. See, when he arrived at March AFB he was informed one of his Marines, Rambo, was Medivac'd to Germany. No one knew what happened or how he was doing. (Rambo is going to be ok and arrived home today.) Other than him, no one has been injured under him and 4 days after he leaves, this happens. Rambo was the one who dropped him off to come home. Rambo has been a friend to him. I have talked to Rambo before and during this deployment on the phone. A few weeks before they deployed, they were at the bar and drinking (nothing new there) and they called me up. I told you he calls me often and puts other Marine's on the phone after he has told them the "story of us." I really feel sorry for them, nah. Well, that night Rambo and I talked for over an hour about a lot of things. He made me a promise that night (I won't forget it). He promised he would bring Sniper home so that man could marry me. So he could walk down that isle to me. He promised me no matter what. As things progressed, I told him that it wouldn't sit well with Sniper, if he came home and not Rambo. Sniper would take the bullet for him. Rambo has a fiance to marry. We had that conversation a few times during this deployment. Back to the pic. As Sniper was sitting there, he wasn't mentally their. He was with Rambo. I could see it. I could feel it. I was worried as well. I grabbed his hand to comfort him and it stayed there for a long time. Know one around us knew anything was up. So that pic means more to me, then most of the pics that were taken last week. Thanks T, it means a lot. That night we (Bubba, Wingman, Sniper & I) had a some what quiet evening at the pad. We had are own time together as well. I just had to kick Bubba out of the bed at 0030. Gotta love a kid that misses his dad and wants to sleep next to him. But damn, I missed him to and we needed some "us" time. After all it had been a long time since we had seen each other. *grinning ear to ear* Don't worry. I still have more stories from the rest of the week. More pics: Sniper's Mom & I My first hug in 6 plus months from Sniper. This picture just moved me. The happiness of a little girl, excited to see her Uncle. Dyzgoneby Who misses Sniper and can't wait for his leave. Soon. Oh so very soon. Don't worry I will have the fridge stocked with beer. That's a promise. Just don't expect me to blog while he is here.

Tag, I'm It

AfSister thought I needed to come up for air. So here is more info about me, as if you need to know anymore..... 3 things that scare me: 1. Dying - I don't want my kids to grow up without me. 2. Dying before I marry Sniper - This is my worst fear. 3. Thunderstorms - You will always find me hiding when they hit. 3 people who make me laugh: 1. Sniper 2. My lovable kids 3. Adam Sandler 3 things I hate the most: 1. Crabby People 2. Child Molesters 3. Cleaning my bathrooms - I have 3 3 things I don't understand: 1. People who have kids and ignore them. 2. People who say one thing and do the opposite. 3. Series 7 Book - I have until September to figure this one out. 3 things I'm doing right now: 1. Smoking - Ya I know, not smart 2. Blogging - duh 3. Procrastinating - I should be studying 3 things I want to do before I die: 1. Marry Sniper - duh, that's a given 2. Build our home in the Sierras - Hopefully this will happen in the next 5 years 3. Sky Dive 3 things I can do: 1. Scrapbook - this is my passion 2. Take lots of Pictures 3. Drive my family insane 3 ways to describe my personality: 1. Outgoing - Another way of saying I talk to much. 2. I have a heart of gold - I am the type of person who would do anything to make a person happy. 3. Procrastinator - I always put off today what I can do tomorrow. It does get done. 3 things I can't do: 1. Play Golf - Ya'll already know that. 2. Cook - I am still working on that. I should just hire a chef. 3. Sew - Don't care to either. 3 things I think you should listen to: 1. Your Heart 2. Your Kids 3. Your Gut 3 things you should never listen to: 1. Nickelodeon 24/7 - It will drive you insane 2. MSM - That don't know shit. 3. John Murtha - Need I say anything on that. 3 absolute favorite foods: 1. Chicken Cesar Salad - I love salads. I can live on them daily and the kids and I do. 2. Chicken Enchiladas - I can't make them very well, so I have to rely on other people. Hey what can I say I can't cook well and don't like too. 3. Anything with Chocolate - I am a junk food junkie, anything with chocolate is even better. 3 things I'd like to learn: 1. Country Line Dance 2. Patience 3. Cook 3 beverages I drink regularly: 1. Coffee - I can't function without it 2. Pepsi 3. Smirnoff 3 shows I watched as a kid: 1. MASH 2. Emergency 3. Smurfs 3 people I'm tagging 1. Christy 2. Charla 3. Uncle Jim dyzgoneby

Closing a Chapter of Our Lives

I am home and trying to settle back in. It has only been 30 hours since I saw Sniper and yet it feels like it has been a lot longer. The time went by too fast. Along with that is a huge hole in my heart. It started a few hours before Sniper took me to the airport on Sunday. We were laying on the bed and I was just rubbing him and touching him (get your mind out of the gutter). I kept going over the visible scars and kissing them. Each one showed me how lucky he was and there are many. To hear is harsh, to see a video is heart wrenching, but to touch those scars truly showed me how truly close he came. Each time I kissed them it took every ounce of strength I had to hold back the tears that wanted to flow. Sniper dropped me off at the airport, the tears still didn't come. This was the first time. Why? I have been trying to analyze it since then. I know he is safe. He isn't getting shot at. No one is trying to kill him now. There will be no more IED's or Mortar Attacks for him. No more fucking Haji's. Basically no more visible wounds. That made it easier. However, for me I knew he has invisible wounds that will take a long time to heal for him. I beleive that is why I couldn't show the tears. I didn't and still don't want him to worry about me (I know he will anyways). I am so thankful that with a Angle looking out for him, he came home alive. God knows he has used up over his nine lives this time. Yet, I can see there is a part of him that will never come home again. There is a part of him I lost on this deployment. I look into his eyes and can see it. I can feel it. It's not something most people will notice or you can explain, but I know him. War is ugly and he saw it full on. It's going to be a long road ahead for him. I will be here to hold him, let him lean on me, love him or just hold his hand in silence. I will be there every step of the way, but right now I am not what he needs. He needs something I cannot give him. The understanding of someone who has been there. With the help of Wingman I know he will make it through. Yet, it's hard to look at the man you love and know you are so helpless and their is not much of anything you can do to help. We have finally closed one chapter and now we begin a new one. I am not sure if this one isn't going to be any harder. Don't worry I am not going anywhere. I have plenty to tell about the few days of homecoming. Well some things will be left behind closed doors, he is a man after all. dyzgoneby Sniper, listen to Rascal Flatts "My Wish" "My Wish" I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you want to go, And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile, But more than anything, more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish. I hope you never look back, but ya never forget, All the ones who love you, in the place you left, I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, And you help somebody every chance you get, Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, And you always give more than you take. But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything, My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish. My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish This is my wish I hope you know somebody loves you May all your dreams stay big

Welcome Home Sniper

Thursday at 0044 my phone rings and I jump out of bed to grab it. Who else would it be? Sniper was calling to tell me he was in Maine. YEAH!!!! He's finally on US Soil. We talked for a few and hung up. I walked out to the living room and Wingman was up. We went outside, I smoked a shit load and we talked for a few hours. Yes, I did pick the bad habit back up and I really don't frickin care at this point. I couldn't sleep. Go figure. I went back to bed and was out by 0300. 0700 my ass jumps out of bed. Just a few short hours and Sniper will be in my arms. In the short time span it took us to get out of the house, Sniper had called 3 times. He wanted to make sure everyone knew exactly what time he was coming in and would be there. Roger that Sniper, Wingman has your six. 0900 Bubba, Wingman and I where standing on the parade deck where in a short time Sniper will be coming in. Go figure we where the first ones there. For thirty minutes we just sat in Sniper's truck. I made the mistake of stopping and getting coffee. I wanted to be awake. Duh, I don't think I needed any help in that department. All the coffee did was intensify the fact that I was so excited, nervous and elated. I wanted to throw up. I have some pics thanks to Wingman and Bubba, but I still need to get them. 0950, we were told the bus is at the armory at Camp Pendleton. Sniper is only a short distance away. My stomach had huge butterflies. I smoked at least a half a pack in about two hours. I was starting to feel it. I looked around the parade deck and there wasn't many people there. Maybe 30 at the most. I started thinking where the hell was everyone at. One either because everyone was told they weren't supposed to be there until 1130 or two, just maybe there wasn't many Marines coming in. It ended up being the later. There was only 43 Marines that came in. I always hear of these huge homecomings, huge crowds, lots of people cheering as they came filing off the bus. It was nothing that I expected. There wasn't very many of us there, but that didn't matter, we welcomed them all home. 1030, the bus rolls in. Welcome Home Sniper We all got are hugs and kisses in. No one was missed. I was able to run up and wrap my arms around him and give him that huge hug and kiss I had longed for, for so long. I never want to let him go again, but we all know that's not that part of the life he lives and I stand beside him on. After everyone hugged Sniper, I gave him a smoke and Wingman handed that man a beer, right there on the parade deck. I never seen a happier man to be home. I am home now and will tell ya'll more stories of the last few days soon. There is so much to tell. From the homecoming parties, are time together, the battle scars he came home with, a few more I found out about recently, and my trip home. *Unfortunately Blogger hasn't played nice the last few days and won't let me add pics. If you click on the film loop on the top you can see some of them. As soon as blogger will cooperate I will post pics. dyzgoneby Incredibly happy to have her man home safe and sound.

Quick Update

Just to let everyone know, Sniper is home....YEAH!!!! I wrote the last few posts early. I will be home late this evening and will let ya'll know what the HOMECOMING was like. I have lots of pics and can't wait to share with everyone. dyzgoneby

Night Before Homecoming

I now fully understand the 'hurry up.....and.... wait' bullshit. I have been down in Sunny Southern Cali since Monday night. We hurry up get down here. And wait and wait and when you think the waiting is over, wait some more. Early Tuesday morning we are all spread throughout the house and I am sleeping in a recliner chair next to Sniper's grandmother, when my phone rings at 0430. My phone was clear across the other side of the room and when I flew out of the chair to answer it I tripped over everything in my way. Who else calls me at this hour, but Sniper. He wanted to let me know he was still in Kuwait and wouldn't be at Camp Pendleton until Thursday, July 20th at 1000. He sounded so down. Apparently, he made it through customs and then they all found out the bird broke down and it would be an extra 24 hours in Kuwait. I talked with him for a few and hung up. I had a hard time sleeping the rest of the time. Tuesday was pretty uneventful. I layed around the house with his grandmother and mom all day. I even took two naps. Lazy Ass. Wednesday, a few of us got up at 0500 and went out to Newport Beach to pick up some crab. Bubba and I played in the surf for a little while. My pants were drenched by the time we were done. I was surprised how warm the water is down here. It was only 0700 and I wasn't cold at all. I would love to stay down here permantly. Only time will tell. After we got back to the house, Bubba and I loaded up Sniper's truck and headed down to Wingman's house (he lives right outside the back gate at CP). The three of us spent the day goofing off on base and around town. I did receive a phone call this evening from Sniper's mom, apparently the time has changed once again, he will now be here around 1130 tomorrow. Can the time go any slower? Tomorrow is Homecoming and the day I have waited so long for since I saw Sniper drive away. We are getting sooo close to the end and I can almost touch him. My stomach has been in knots the last few days and as the time gets closer, my stomach isn't playing nice with me. The rest of the week is going to fly by. He has lots of family down here for the next few days. I will be staying down here until Sunday. Then I will have to catch a plane to go back home to the reality before this deployment. I am very lucky though, I made sure I have an extra 24 hours with just him, after his family leaves. I am going to cherish the next few days with him. This deployment has taught me a lot of things and one of those things, is my love for Sniper and his love for me, can overcome anything thrown are way. 8 Days to Homecoming 7 Days to Homecoming 2 Days to Homecoming dyzgoneby Less than 24 hours and Sniper will be in my arms again.

2 Days Until Homecoming

Well, I am getting ready to take that drive down to San Diego for Homecoming. It seems like it was just yesterday, I made the trip with my mom to see him off. You can read Sniper's Deployment Part 1, Part 2 & Part 3 if you like. The other half of me feels like it has been years since we have seen each other. The last 6 months has been one helluava rollercoaster ride. Sniper being wounded, not once, not twice, but three times this deployment. Tying not to go insane when he called me the first two times to tell me he was wounded. I only flipped (went completely insane as I look back on it) out the first one. Second time, I just cried. Thrid time, well he didn't tell me, I followed a rabbit and went down a hole that gave me more info than I wanted. Phone calls at all hours of the day and night. Or missing phone calls and trying not to throw the phone against the wall. I have said it so many times over the months, we were very lucky with the communication we had with him. The longest we went without someone hearing from him was 9 days, but let me tell you they were very long nine days. Having my Garage broken into and listening to Sniper chew my ass (from Iraq) out for not putting in the alarm like he told me too. I am still hearing about it and it has been 6 frickin months. Sniper, I am listening........ Lego Man sicker than shit with H Pylori. It took a few months to have the docs diagnose it and treat him. I started the new job right after Sniper left and with it came studying my ass off for the up coming exam. Just to let ya'll know, I am bringing my book to study while I wait for Sniper to come in. I just can't guarantee how much I will retain. Picking up a new hobby "running" and have it put me down for 3 weeks. I am up and walking now and soon, I will be running again. Bring on August. I have learned quiet a lot about myself over this time. I always thought I was a strong person, now I know I am a strong person. Little things that used to bug me, I just let it roll off me. I have found out who my true friends are and whom I can count on for support. It's not very many and that is pretty sad. Most people in general are superficial. I am looking forward to wrapping my arms around him and breathing in his scent. Staring into those eyes I so long to see. I just want to hold him and never let go, but I know the time will go by fast and I will be returning home and he will be staying there. I can only pray recruiting duty comes quick. Wingman, if I forget to tell you in the next few days, "Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me over the last several months. Also, thank you for putting up with all my whinny bull shit as well. You have been a great friend and a great little brother." Sniper, I never thought this day would come. I promised you I would be here on the otherside, guess what two more days and we are there. I love you forever and a day. 8 Days to Homecoming 7 Days to Homecoming Night Before Homecoming dyzgoneby We are almost there, I can taste it.

7 Days to Homecoming

My emotions are on overload. This morning and most of the day, it has been just that, another day. As the end of the day drew to a close, my emotions went into overload. I can't sit still. My mind is going 100 miles an hour and my mouth is going 160 miles an hour. I can't stop talking. I feel like someone has laced my drink with too much caffeine and then added more for laughs. I wanted butterflies in my tummy, well I got them now. If we have 5 days to go and I feel like this now, what am I going to be like come Sunday or Monday? The hardest part is, I can't really tell anyone what is going on. I made Sniper a promise, I wouldn't spill the beans until he is home. So here I sit typing this out, knowing know one will see this until he is home on US Soil. God what a feeling, Sniper being home. I want to shout it out loud. I want to tell everyone, SNIPER IS COMING HOME, instead I will keep telling my mom and family over and over again until they tell me to shut up or duct tape my mouth. I just have to make it until Friday. Then I can sleep the remainder of the time away. You have to look hard and deep to figure this one out. Most think I am absolutely crazy going thru with it, knowing what is in store next week. Sniper & I discussed it and I am continuing on with that mission. It has been in the works for months and yes, I can change the plans, but we won't. I guess I will go have another drink, maybe that will mellow me out. 8 Days to Homecoming 2 Days to Homecoming Night Before Homecoming dyzgoneby Just a few more days!!!! I see a bright shining light and can almost touch him.

8 Days to Homecoming

Hold on to your seat. I promised one heulluva rollercoaster ride and today it begins. Tuesday, July 11th, I received a call from Sniper. "Honey do you have your calendar handy." Me: "No, but I will find it." Sniper, gave me the dates of when he is coming home, July 18th or 19th. I looked down and the tears were flowing silently. That's one week from today. Oh my f*cking Gosh. I am thinking, I knew it. I f*cking knew it! I have had a gut feeling the last few weeks and my worst nightmare is coming true. I knew the next few weeks were going to be wild and crazy, but this shit can't be happening. I have something coming up on Friday planned that I have been planning for months (can't and won't change it). My Series 7 class is the week of the 17th and my Series 7 Exam is going to be sometime the week of the 24th. Sniper wasn't supposed to be home until sometime in August. I was going to get throught the next two weeks of hell, then start thinking about homecoming. Now, before you all go getting your panties in a bunch and thinking I am off my rocker. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am elated he is coming home, I want him home. I want him safe and sound, but I want to be able to see him at homecoming as well. Somebody upstairs is defiantely not playing nice with us. Who the hell did I piss off? Over the last few weeks, Sniper and I had talked about the what if he comes home in this time frame with everything I have going on. The plan was as hard as it was for the both of us to endure, I would not be there for homecoming if this happened. We would just wait until after everything is finished for me (the exam) and then we would have our own "homecoming." As I am talking to Sniper, my insides were being ripped to shreds. I am thinking, I have to be there for homecoming for him, as he kept telling me, "I know you and I know you are already trying to figure out a way to be there. I thought a lot about this before I called you, you have to take your class and exam. There is no choice here." Being there for homecoming is the one thing that I have promised him since we found out he was deploying, I would be there no matter what. We talked for a little while and then he had to go. He had more phone calls to make and let everyone else know. We hung up the phone, I walked over to my desk and lost it, completely. This whole thing is fucked-up beyond belief. It took me all of two minutes and I was crying hard. The ladies I worked with all came over and started talking to me. They knew everything that is going on and just couldn't believe the luck we have had. They asked me what I was going to do? I called my mom and asked her for her opinon. She listened to me cry and then gave it to me. "I have listened to you both for the last 6 months. You have to drop everything and be there for him." God I love that woman (I owe her so much more than I have given her the last few months). I am throwing everything out the window Sniper & I had talked about and I will be there. The only thing that will stop me from going, is me being six-feet under. I am going to HOMECOMING!!! Homecoming for the both of us means a lot of things differently and the same. I have told you his take and his wishes. Mine are a little different. I made him a promise for the last 7 + months and I am not breaking that promise. I saw him on that bus and I am going to see him off that bus, end of story. But wait there is more. See, I broke a promise 15 years ago to him. I promised I would be there for him when he graduated from boot camp. I broke that promise. You can read the story here again if you haven't read it already. I have had to live with the guilt and demons of every one of those choices I made all those years ago. I have had major deja vu's between this deployment and him leaving for boot. I should have been there for him then. Instead there was someone else in my place. This time I am going to be there for him. It is something I have to do for us. I hope this makes sense. I have already rescheduled my class to August and will take it then. Even if I wanted to take the class next week, I wouldn't be able to concentrate and it would be a waste of time. Him coming home and me sitting in a class. It just doesn't make sense. I have made all the travel arrangements to and from. Now, my question is how the hell am I going to concentrate for the next week? I have so much to try and plan and so little time. I have a banner already. Thank God, someone else had one from the group I belong to. Ok, being a female here, I don't have a outfit that I want to wear, I need a haircut, my nails need to be done...etc. I know he isn't going to give a shit about what I look like, hell he hasn't seen me in months and it's all good. I just want to know I looked my best for him. Kinda like going out on a first date all over again. Sit back and enjoy the ride this next week and a half, I promise it will be a good one. Oh ya, on top of everything else, Sniper has another boo-boo to love thanks to an IED. Found that one out today as well. I am sooo glad this shit is almost over for him. If not, at the rate he is going, he would be covered in scars or worse. 7 Days to Homecoming 2 Days to Homecoming Night Before Homecoming dyzgoneby I blew it today, I smoked and I don't give a flying rip. I couldn't take the stress. It's almost over! Yippy Fucking Ehh, Sniper's Coming Home!

Just Shoot Me Now!

Please someone, come take all this stress away.......I want all the drama to just go the f*ck away. I want a peaceful, quiet life and I want it now. Over the next few weeks, blogging will be extremely light. I have lots going on and my head is too full. If and when I get time I will pop in. I promise soon, things will be back to normal, ya'll can laugh at my crazy life and you can watch my rollercoaster life as we count down to homecoming together. Or you can just laugh at me, why I continue to go insane. Down the rabbit hole I go. dyzgoneby Sniper, I love you with all my heart. Keep hanging in there, I see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

AAAAAAAWWWWWWW

Ok, I feel a little better. This pretty much sums up my life right now: Studying. The time is coming closer to this exam and the pressure is mounting. I have other things going on as well (happy things), and I can't seem to get excited about jack shit. Sniper will be home sometime before the end of summer and I haven't been able to truly start to feel the butterflies. I am excited to see him, just my head is full with Bonds, Options, Margin Accounts, IPO's.....Ya'll get the picture. I am thinking about homecoming with him, but I want to Revel in it. I want to daydream of it. I want to help plan it. I want to make "Homecoming Signs." I want to do all those silly things you think about to make Homecoming memorable for him. I have something else coming up I have wanted to do for years and I haven't even had time to get excited about that either. You will have to search through my blog to figure it out. Other's have asked me if I am excited. Nope, I can't get past this test. I really didn't think it would consume my life like it has. I really need to find someway to blow some steam off and soon. Smoking is starting to sound better each day. Don't worry, I have only screwed up twice. Friday, I had a "Girls Night Out" with some friends of mine. We ended up at a Country Bar and spent the evening Line Dancing. It would have been cool, if I knew how. I gave it my best try (a little drinking helped) and I did ok. I had fun and that's all that counts. I was hoping that would be enough "steam" to help me out. Nope. Sunday, the kids and I went see Pirates' of the Caribbean. It was wonderful to escape reality for a few hours. The movie was excellent. I promise I won't give any details away. Let's just say, the three of us can't wait until the next one comes out. It defiantly leaves you hanging and wanting more, but the ending did piss me off for doing that. Back to blowing some steam......hmmmmmm........I haven't been out to the range in awhile, maybe I will have to head out there this week. Shooting the shit out of paper targets and imagining them as something else, might just be what the "doctor" ordered. Then again, the "doctor" might be better off just running. (I love you Sniper and no I don't listen for shit). Intermission over, back to studying. dyzgoneby, Soon life will be back to the way it was before......Quiet and boring. YEAH!!!! I am looking forward to it.

Feeling the Love

Lately I haven't heard much from Sniper (Please do not misunderstand me when I say this. I am not complaining one bit on the communication we have had over the last 6 months at all). It's not for a lack of not wanting to on his part, just somethings have changed and communication is sparse. The one way I have been able to reassure myself that he is "ok" is by going onto his myspace and seeing when the last time he was on. The power of the internet really is incredible. This morning I noticed he posted a few more pics. The one below caught my eye when I read the caption he put underneath "This is my M-40 Sniper Rifle. Her name is on the case!!" Most will never understand the feelings behind this for him, but I understand and that is all that matters. I have heard from him and other's about "Jenn," but to actually see it, puts me in awe. My emotions got the best of me and I just let the tears flow freely this morning. Sniper, as I told you already, may "Jenn" protect you and keep you safe, until the physical "Jenn" can wrap her arms around you, provide you with a different kind of protection and a comfort you have never experienced with anyone but her. Another picture that caught my eye is the next one. "Providing you with the Blanket of Freedom. Sleep tight, We're on watch" To me it is a powerful photo. I honestly cannot adequately express with my words and come thru with the justice it deserves. It is a awe inspiring, beautiful photo and is by far my favorite. dyzgoneby Sniper, I feel the love in your heart all the way across the oceans. I will always love you forever and a day.

Standing on the Edge

You ever feel like you are standing on the edge of a cliff and not sure which direction to head? Your not sure if you should jump, run the other direction or just drop where you are at and curl into a ball and cry. I am at that point. I am teetering on the edge and I am realizing if something doesn't give soon, I am going over. I know I need to let somethings go, but I am not sure how or what. I have already given-up my kids for the last 8 weeks (I miss the hell out of them and can't wait to get back to a normal life). I have already given up my side business (someday I will go back to it). I gave up cleaning my house (don't look at all the dust bunnies everywhere). I gave up putting laundry away (you should see the huge clothes pile in my room). I gave up doing yard work (I don't think anyone wants to continue to fix everything I break anyway). I am trying to stay off the computer more. There isn't much left. I work (think about Sniper and the exam), study (think about Sniper and the exam), sleep (think about Sniper and the exam). Pretty exciting life I lead. So why can't the stress just go away. I am also too the point where other's are taking notice and feeling it as well. A few weeks ago is when I started to notice it more. My mom called me to say good morning, within the first minute I yelled at her and told her I had to go. It wasn't until a few hours later, when I looked down at the calendar, realized I had f*cked up good, it was my mom's birthday. I ended up calling her back crying and apologizing, but the damage had been done. She may have forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself. This morning my mom called as usual and I let loose on her again, then started crying. I don't think she is going to put up with my bullshit much longer. My emotions are running all over the place again. At work today, Gunny pulled me aside and asked me if I was ok. I answered him with my typical response "Yep, I'm good to go." He could feel the stress radiating off of me and asked if I regretted transferring with him. Nope, I am happy with the decision I/we made. I am looking forward of taking care of Sniper and being his Sugar Momma. I just want to get past these damn exams, they are truly killing me. Studying for this exam has been a bitch (which at the rate I am going isn't going to happen in 2 weeks). Some of this shit just isn't sinking in. I am trying, but my mind just continues to wonder elsewhere. And right on queue.....It just dawned on me as I was reading the first few paragraphs of this, my mood turned to shit when I became side lined from my ankles. I need to get off my lazy ass and do something. If it wouldn't be pushing it and wasn't so dark out tonight I would take a run. Not that I can run quiet yet, but soon. I can walk a few miles though..... hmmmm, maybe I will get a flashlight..... I am going to have to try this tomorrow and hope that helps my mood. The only other thing would be holding Sniper in my arms, but I have to wait just a little while longer for that. dyzgoneby Sniper, soon you can come put your boot up my ass and keep me in line.....maybe. Then again, I think I will relent and start listening to you. I love you.

Providing the Blanket of Freedom. Freedom is NOT FREE!

I talked it over with Sniper and we have decided to have me post the video he made awhile back after he was wounded. (If any of you can help this blogger out on how to copy it off of myspace, I sure would appreciate it.) Click the Title or Click here. You may be wondering why I would post something like this? Especially since this is something very personal to us. I am not posting this as something to brag about what "Sniper" has done. There is no atta boy coming from me. Quit frankly he is just doing his job, protecting the American people and helping the Iraqi's get there chance at freedom. The only thing you will hear from me is "Thank God it wasn't his time and someone was looking out for him." I am doing this for you to understand a little of this world I/we live in. I am doing this because: Many Americans will never understand that Freedom truly isn't free and how many sacrifices are made for our freedom. Many Americans will never understand what it is like in a combat zone. Many Americans will never understand what it is like to have your loved one call home to let you know they were wounded (twice). Many Americans will never understand what it is like to see your loved one off, only to see them return home a completely different person than when they left. The innocence is gone. Many Americans will never understand what it is like to have a loved one make that ultimate sacrifice and the families left behind trying to pick up the pieces. "For those who protect it, Freedom has a taste that the protected will NEVER know." *To my knowledge, IceMan is still in a coma from the IED blast. My prayers are still with him, his family and Sniper. Dyzgoneby, Sniper, thank you from the bottom of my heart on so many different levels. I will love you forever and a day, see ya in our dreams.

Homecoming Anxieties, Mine

You ever sit and wonder what homecoming will be like? All the people standing around waiting for the first view of their loved ones in months. People holding up "Homecoming Signs" for their loved ones. The crowds cheering as they come off the bus. The people running up and getting that first kiss and hug in months. The closer it comes, the more I am and it's not all good. You hear about the excitement from those left at home, but do you ever hear the frustrations, apprehensions, anxieties or fears? You can all guess my excitement, so I won't talk about that, but I will talk about the later. This deployment being my first deployment with Sniper as his "significant other" and not just knowing he is gone again brings different feelings. It has been the hardest one he has had since his time in the Marine Corps. You have heard of him being wounded, but I haven't let on about anything else. Yes we know war is ugly, and trust me Sniper has seen it all. There are lots of issues going on at this point. I am still waiting before I can tell and it probably won't be until he is stateside. He has always wanted a homecoming. Since this will be his last deployment he will get his wish and he has made sure we all know we are expected to be there. He said he would go with the flow with whatever his mom wants to do (he will continue to make sacrifices for everyone else's pleasure), but he told me he would like it if we all could have dinner & go to his bar the first night (low key), bbq the next day. Let's just say his wish probably isn't going to happen. I am worried about what it will be like watching him come off the bus, with his whole family gathered around. There will be roughly 20 people coming from all over. I know everyone is going to be pushing to get that "hug and kiss" from him. They are all going to want his attention. Me, I dream of just finding a bench and waiting for everyone else to hem and haw over him and watch from the sidelines. I just want to blend in with the scenery. It's not because I don't want to be the first one. I just don't want to overstep my bounds with anyone around us. I am very worried about how he is going to be around so many people. I can see he is going to be pulled into so many directions. I don't think he will tell anyone he needs a break and I don't think most people will know when to back the hell off. He will endure the bullshit and once everyone is gone, then let loose. I tried expressing to him that I would only go down for a day or two, I don't want to overwhelm him. I would rather he spend the time with his family (yes, I know I am part of his family) and not have to worry about me. I also tried telling him I would get a hotel room for myself (this is a story in itself). I know he will have leave time & figured we could play catch up then or I could fly down another weekend afterwards. Needless to say, he took it the wrong way and thought I just didn't want to be there, which is the farthest from the truth. What I want is "homecoming" to be a relaxing environment for him and not the bullshit I can see that is going to happen. If that meant taking one less person, me, out of the mix, then so be it. I don't know how to express that. Yes, I am so excited to see and hold him again. This is the man I have loved for so long. I just want to wrap my arms around him, hold on tight and never let go. I don't know how to express how deep my love runs for him and that I would do anything in the world for him. I would sacrifice anything, including my happiness for him. He has made enough sacrifices for everyone else, it's about time other's did this for him. Does this make sense? I am just feeling a very overwhelmed at this point. I feel more overwhelmed for him more than anything. I am even having nightmares over this (this is not a joke or exaggeration). I know it's stupid, but it is bothering me to no end. I know this is supposed to be a happy time & I am supposed to be excited, but I can't get past the whole "homecoming" crap that I feel is going to happen. I am almost dreading it and if it wouldn't upset him, I would rather wait until his leave to spend time with him. Can you tell? I haven't even had a chance to stress too much over the digression issues that will happen as well. That in itself is a whole other long story and more stress. At this rate I can almost guarantee I will have an ulcer, drop the 15 lbs I have gained from lack of an appetitie and the no smoking, probably won't last much longer. I can't drink myself into oblivion as much as I would love to. Dyzgoneby Counting down until Sniper is in my arms again, please give me strength to help him.